why can't i cry

i can't cry. i just ended something with someone and i can't cry...it hurts like hell...God heard my thoughts and took them as prayers and gave me what i asked for...again...i want to cry let it out, heal. i can't and i don't understand why. i feel like i need to...where are my tears. i'm even listening to sad songs...no tears. there's a part of me that feels/knows that this is for the best. there was no way that i could hold on to this and get what i want. i had to not be afraid to let it go. i spared him the "i wish you the best...i hope you have a wonderful life" talk. we just hung up. just, good bye. i felt the tears, i felt the emotion coming, it has not erupted. this bothers me. so now, there is no one...i mean no one for me to place my "more than friends" feelings on. just myself i guess. i wanted to be something for someone, but my feelings and desires and wants from him become overbearing. he could not, and was not trying to give me what i need. i need to have a man that i have feelings for be with me. not in a "situation" i can't do it. i have too much resentment. i wanted to be friends with him, thinking that this would be a change in my life. i realize that i am not friends with any man that i have been involved with. it's too much. especially since they have girlfriends. why would i do that to myself? i tried though. i want too much from him, them. so they don't get to be in my life. i was convinced that i was being a coward by not at least trying. i tried. it does not work. they need to move around. this is a good thing...it hurts, but i have spent too much emotion on him without having things turn out the way i want. call me controlling, call me selfish, call me whatever. i need more. i'm sorry that you have crazy things happen. i was a safe place, but he was not a safe place for me. too many feelings. he was very upset. i don't think that he should be okay with it, but i was not a good friend if every time we talked, i had some resentful comment to say, or our conversation led to an uncomfortable silence. he was the last to go. i can not go through this again. if i have to be alone, so be it. i can't do this again.

why can't i cry?
2007 has to be different. please! i'm so sad. i think i should cry. maybe this is not something to cry over. maybe it's something to accept. it was coming. if not tonight, soon. God acts fast. maybe it's because He's ready to do some things me NOW!! i'm ready. bring it.

so sad. so sad. no tears...not a one.
i don't get it.

i can't cry.

I can't save anyone...

I can't save anyone even though I really want to. Someone told me that I have Florence Nightingale Syndrome, which basically says that I help someone to feel powerful and I have the urge to do it even though it's not possible for me to be the solution. This means that I will become someone that someone depends on...they could miss out on really relying on God and they could miss out on seeing that they can do things on their own. How this affects me? I spend energy trying to be something for someone and after a while it becomes a burden, because I am not the answer, I just want to be. In the process I miss out on having my needs met. In a lot of these cases, I want someone to be there for me and give something to me in return...I just don't say it. I act like someone who can help them hoping I'll get it in return. *sigh* So, the lesson I have to keep telling myself "I can not help him" "I can not help them" "I can not help" I am not helpless, I am just not able to help as big as I want to.
So, that's what's up.

2007 is coming soon. I am not able to settle for what I have been anymore. It was pointed out that that is what I have been doing. I am not trying to go there anymore. If you are not trying to man up...then step down. Don't feed me tidbits and think that I am okay with that. I am not...I am too old for that. I need and deserve MORE!! It's rough to not see the end of the tunnel...so I am thinking of it and traveling on a country scenic route. There are plenty of nice things to see and experience on my way to my destination, but they are not where I need to stay. I will smell the roses, learn something and move along. *sigh* I am not alone. Life is good. I am going to get what I need. I'm okay.

Sometimes you just have to know...right?

Maybe I shouldn't have tried to know today. I had a sudden mood swing and I don't want to blame it on anyone...I think it was because I have been dwelling on something and I had to know. The more I kept putting it off, the worse it got. Couple that with the other "stresses" in my life and you have a recipe for depression. Okay, let me be real...I have a nice life. I am loved, I have a job, food, a nice car, clothes, people who genuinely care for me and a wealth of other things, sometimes even small surprises in life that make things beautiful (I got a big ass pixie stick from Dave and Buster's last night, I was estatic...it does not take much). So what's the problem? Wanting more money, a decent relationship, a steady mood, to really and truly believe that things are okay. I fell off from my lovely spot of feeling like things were okay. *sigh*
Okay about today: I confronted someone about some things I had been thinking about. I got answers, but I'm not sure if they are what I wanted to hear...or if they were the truth...or what...The conversation was strained and tense as I laid out what I was thinking and feeling. The other party was visibly shook by what I said and asked. We spoke in whispers so that we would not draw attention, but I'm sure anyone could tell by our body language that things were not right. Our hushed session of question and confession was marked with long silences and forced phrases. I wanted to take things back...not start this conversation, have a happy time. Not possible. My mood, my mind was already made up "Ask, you need to know." I listened intently. I processed what I was told and I felt like digging deeper and comforting the other person at the same time. Was I wrong for asking? Did I really want to know? Would I get the truth? Would this mean the end of something or the beginning? I had no clue. I pressed on, it was too late to ignore what had been placed on the table. *sigh* I heard stories that made me feel compassion...and then I heard confessions that pissed me off...I thought that this was what I wanted...to know, to have it all put out there. Now I'm listening to Sarah Vaughn and other slow jazzy music fighting the tears that I have needed to cry. I feel frustrated. I don't know if I got any answers. I thought I was past this, I thought I was ready to be adult about this and just say what I need to say, ask what I need to ask. Looking into the face that I changed from smiles to frown, seeing that the hurt is not just from me, but from so many others things that have come to head in that moment, made me feel like I should have presented my case better. But how? No matter when I asked, it would have turned up with the same result. I could have approached it better, but it would have meant the same thing. Broken feelings. We parted ways without a goodbye. Me walking away with no more information than I came with, I think. The other, walking away with the weight of many life situations gone wrong pressing down. I don't know what to do. I thought I wanted to know. I don't even know if I know. *sigh* Clearly this is not over.

On another note. I am so ready to be away on a break. Even though it's with crazy family...I'll take that over sitting alone and being depressed. I hope to have a better mood next time. I need some happy pills...anyone have some? :)

Don't hold me to this...

After me trip to Dallas, I came back and things were different. I did not have the same level of affection for tortured soul like I did before I left. Hmm...I talked to him and even saw him and I just have that same intensity for him like I did. Don't hold me to this because next week I might be all into him again. Hopefully that's not the case though. I want to be over him. I don't want to feel like I am waiting on the right situation to be with him. I am waiting for the right man, period. Clearly he is not it. Kind of sad...nah not really. I mean he has a piece of my heart and all but, it's just not right. I am not convinced it ever will be. God would not do that to me...I hope not.

On a side note: You ever have times when you get out of sync with your friends and you feel like you are starting from scratch with them? I have a few friends and we have not been around each other like before. Now, I know life gets in the way some times, but until I am able to hang out with them, I am going to wonder if things are okay. I have made some contact...it's on them to accept. I'm not trying to kick people out. Maybe they wanted out...I have no clue.

On another side note: I kind of wonder why every dude I have been involved with has gotten a girlfriend IMMEDIATELY after being with me. Dudes: if you want a girlfriend, give me six months of your time and shortly thereafter you will have a longterm girlfriend or wife. It won't be me, but you will have one. That sucks.

My diary is jealous. Clearly I don't say everything here. That would be crazy.

Peace

I'm trying to grow a set

I need to get some balls and stop being such a punk. I mean, I am cute, smart, funny and a good person yet I insist on living within self-set boundaries that keep me from experiencing life. I had a talk with my homeboy. He told me to stop being such a worrier and just live. He pointed out that I am so worried about what other people will think about what I am doing, that I miss the fact that they are doing whatever they want, and they are telling me to not do those things. Double standard I guess. I agree him. I do worry about what others think. I feel like I should be at a higher level or a higher standard in the way I live my life. I put this on myself, in the end, I have to deal withthe consequences, no one else. They can say whatever, but they go around and do things that I would not recommend...do they really feel the need to do what I say? So, why am I anticipating what they will think? Why am I bound by their reactions? I have no clue. the point is, is that I need to get some balls and say "Hey, now...I am going to do things and live!" I am not going to be reckless or so far off the chain that I do more harm than good, but I will take more chances and step outside my box more. I have said this before...it's a process, but here is proof that I am trying:
I admitted my feelings to someone regardless of what would happen between us. I feel better about that.
I called a dude that was interested in me (with some coaxing from my friend), instead of instantly counting him out, because he was not my "ideal". Fact is, I have no clue what my ideal is.
I kicked it this weekend. I drove all over Dallas and saw friends and spent money...I might regret that one later on.
I dressed a little sexier, danced and flirted with the men and did not worry too much about whether or not I was fat, too tall, too revealing, to flirtatious. I just had fun.
I am going to try and buy a condo...I will have to buy appliances, get a second job and save my ass off, but I really want to try for it. I have support. I will get another job at some point, so why not. I'm doing it!!!

Now for some those things seem minimal. For me and how I have lived, these are big steps. They are going to take me out of my comfort zone where I feel I have control. They will make realize that I do not have control and that it's okay to be in that situation. God's got me. I need to live.
Well, I had an excellent trip to Dallas. I can't wait to come back. I have gotten in touch with one of my line sisters and I hope to have relationships with all of them. I want to be in the mix if I can.

I will keep you posted on the happenings. I am sure this is the beginning of some crazy stuff. I'm thinking, some fun, some pain, some confusion and some triumphs.
I hope the dude calls me back...wait...it will be cool if he calls, if he doesn't I will be okay.

Until later,
Me

My heart hurts

I have let meself get caught up again. Not because I thought I could handle it and be okay with things, I knew that would not be the case. I got caught up, so that things would die. So that I can say, "look you did try" I have expressed myself, not to get what I want out of the situation, but to get something out of putting myself out there. Now it's known, how I feel is known. I am understood and that's new...I usually act like I don't care. I do care, a lot. It sucks, and it hurts and it makes me insecure and it makes me want to run away, and I feel alive and I feel like no matter what, I tried. The aftermath: I will not have things the way I want them. I don't even know if I want what I think I want (confusing, I know). Yet, it's out there. I am embracing how I feel and I am sharing it. I am saying what I want and I know I deserve it. Now, if only I could just leave things alone and say "hey, this is what I want, if you can't give it, take a hike" I'm getting close. I am thinking of how stupid I am being and I know that I can't stay that way for long. *sigh* I hope not for long. My heart hurts so bad...just when I think it can't take anymore, there it is saying "hit me", and I do.

I can't...

I can’t, I can not, I just cain’t!
I do not have the ability
To love you
To keep you
To make you mine
To possess you
Because you don’t want me to
Oh! How hard I tried.
I wanted to make a solution of us
The thick oil of my hope
Settled for what you gave me to the bottom
While the shallow water of what you wish you could be for me
Pressed down on top
We separated
All the arms that I used to hold onto you have been amputated
The “ghost limb” theory is true even metaphorically, because I still feel like I have a hold on you
I gave you a slice of my heart and you sandwiched that with your pain
It satisfied your hunger for an unconditional love
Now I don’t feel whole because of the hole you left
Our perfect dysfunction always malfunctions
I want to dig my claws in your back because that’s the closest part of you that I can reach
You always face another
Always place another before me
I lose indefinitely
There’s precision in the way you diss me
Calculated words that always equal up to
Me minus you
Am I better off? Sure…maybe
I look to the sky after our lovestorm
I see that our rainbow has 7 colors
Black misunderstanding
Blue sadness
Purple passion
Green envy
Yellow cowardice
Red anger
White hope
I pray for true reconciliation with you
I pray for contentment with myself
Until the answers come I will pry my grip from your back and let you go
I will cry all the tears of resentment that I hold
Wholeness will come and love won’t be born out of fear
It won’t hurt to love you
I can, I will I have the ability
To love
To heal
To move on
To be

As I wait for atonement...

Okay, I really like J*Davey. I want their CD.

*sigh* so the poetry show went very well. i'm happy with how it went down. my mom came in to support me. nice, she loves me. then we kicked it and that was cool, my young cousin was at a place that i went to. i knew i was too old to be in there, but hanging with my homeboy and his friend made it fun.
okay, this is why i am writing in here. i want to buy a house, but i'm broke. i am tired of not having money, it's getting on my nerves. i know that things will get better, but i don't like that it's such an issue. i want to be okay where i am, know that i will have better and have the patience to wait for what's for me.
i also want a boyfriend. i think. maybe. i get involved with unavailable men on purpose. i get hurt. then i am convinced that i won't be with anyone. no one is every right, i don't let anyone get close. with the past dudes i've dealt with it really seems that way. i know i chose wrong, but it does not seem like there is anyone right being shown to me. that sucks. i see men all the time. i just don't want to deal with them if i am not attracted to them or i don't feel they are right. the thing is, is that i've been attracted the the wrong men. *sigh*
so, tortured soul and i are on the outs again. there is obviously something wrong with our being "friends" because it does not work out for us. so i think it's best that i leave him alone, like my original plan was. i am too possessive over him and he is not letting me possess him. he can't not with all the issues he has. he can't even be a good friend to me. did he come to my show, nope. and why, because of his stupid choices and situations. UGH! so what's the point? there is no point to us being friends. we are not friends, we are acquaintences. FINE THEN!

i guess i'll just be waiting for the time to come when things work out the way i am praying for them to. i wait and wait for something to happen. i have tried to make things happen and they do, but they have been some wrong things. i need to keep my hands out of it and let god do his work. it's hard to sit still.

Just when you think you're okay...

you're really not okay...or maybe you are and you just have a minor set back in your progress...
before i begin: i am a horrble typer, i really want to go back and proofread my entries, but i think that it makes them more raw and real...basically i'm lazy; i am going to continue to type all wrong...no caps unless it's for emphasis.

okay, the latest.

i just had a run in with one of the three men. i see him and realize...i really care about this man...that sucks. i want to be there for him and comfort him and talk to him. seeing him was not so bad. talking to him not so bad. i just know i could get drawn back in. i'm not strong enough yet. i re-read what i wrote about the men...i was UPSET, highly pissed. i'm much better now. it's okay. i don't feel as much hostility. being away from them has helped me out considerably. a lady told me yesterday that a friendship should be able to make it through trials. then she said that only i know what i can handle. i can't be around the dudes...yet right now i am awaiting another e-mail from him that gives me some kind of connection to him. i don't even want to know about his girl situation or his troubles...but i do...know what i mean? i want to be there for him. i love him...i can't be there, it would hurt me too much. i don't want to be with him, but it's hard for me to be there for him...this is too much. i'm not as shook as i was the first time i saw him after his return. i just know that i still care. i still care so much. DANG IT!! *sigh* this sucks. i waited until he came out of the bathroom so that i could speak with him. i wanted to let him know that i did not mean to be rude to him last time. i didn't, my frustration came out. i wanted to show him that even though i can't be involved with him like i was...i still care. i can't get too close...my heart would suffer...i would be too crushed. even now, i feel it. our simple e-mails are pulling me in. i refrain from going into detail, or asking about what he's been up to, or telling him that i care for him. he may need to hear it, i'm afraid of where that will put me.

selfish...confused...defensive.

the others that i left alone were easier, i see that now. we were not as involved. this one...is rough. how can i be a friend and stil preserve my sanity? i wait, until i feel confident that i can take it...that i can handle being jealous and upset, and possessive. i am possessive. i realize that. i don't really like it when others are that way, i guess i did not like that about myself. i really never knew it though...anyways, i am.
*sigh* what have we learned...i am still getting over the men that i let get close to me. one of them is definitely in my heart more that the others, not sure if he'll ever just go away. maybe if i moved...i don't know.

i am committed to getting through this and not being sucked back in. i will be strong for myself and for others who think that i am strong to make sure it's not a false strength. no facades.

i feel better. oooo, i am going to do a poem tonight. i am excited, it's for my grams. i'm nervous already but i want to share this...i'll post it later.

wal-mart...the pick up joint.

so i was in wal-mart with my cousin. this dude in the toothpaste isle looks at me and says "don't i know you?" i say "do you?" he realizes he's seen me at work before. i say "oh" and move along. he proceeds to talk to me and while i was not intersted in him i decided to be nice because i don't want be accused of being a black woman with an attitude. we make small talk and i notice there are roses in his basket so i think that he is going to have a nice evening with his girl and he'll leave me alone... no "can i have your number?" moments. i move to another isle and he's there again. he asks me to help him look for razors with aloe for a woman. i help him and move along. i notice that it's just he and i in the isle. he says, so do you think that i can have your number. i told him no. he asked why not. i told him i am not interested in starting anything with anyone, then he says i don't want to start anything we could talk as friends. i told him that i am not intersted in that either. then we move along. my issue is: how you gonna ask me for my phone number when you have roses in your basket and you are shopping for women's razors??? i don't know. even if i found him attractive, that would be an even worse situation for me to be in. what are we going to talk about, his girlfriend...we were in wal-mart...that's not where you meet friends, that's where you pick up women. *sigh*....men...they suck.

so, i can not and will not be entertaining the advances of any men until 2007. there's no point. i need time to heal up some. if a dude is really interested, he can wait and try again next year, until then...it's just me.

so...i'm tired...

well now that i have typed the rest of the poem i wrote, i am tired. but i do want to give a little synopsis of my past week.

i went to dallas this weekend, fun times. i saw eric roberson...he great, i love him. he did not perfome my song, but he signed my cd "marchele, i ask you for clarity" at least i was happy about that. i got a perm...she had to cut about an inch off...so sick about that. it wil grow again, i'm sure. :( i was going to go to houston this weekend but, i have rescheduled that trip. i need to go there to see grams. my dad said her brain is getting worse. i don't have her mentally, i have not had her that way in a long time...but now with the acceleration in the deterioration(sp) i will lose her physically...i will be a sick mess thinking when that happens. i might not be at work...i already know. *sigh*...so, not ready.

okay now for something happier. i get to stay home this weekend. i need to sell my old car. i want to go to europe. i know someone there...kind of...i have not met this person, but i don't feel like there will be anything wrong with going to hang with him. why not i meet crazy people all the time...that would not be a surprise...now if i lost my life, that would not work for me. i'm just saying.

i need money and a new job, i should put my resume on here, that would be COOL!!...well not so cool, but if i got a job out of it...why not...wait...then they would see how crazy i am, then i would do it under a new name. a professional blog. i would put my...WAIT, i am so sure someone else has done this, i need to do some research.

i have been in a blah mood lately, nothing really excites me, i am in an "i don't care" mood. maybe i'm numb...that sucks. i need to feel like life is full of things to experience and actually feel those experiences. i thought it was hormonal, but i'm not a girl right now, and i still feel that way, what is wrong with me? no clue.

you ever feel like you have so much potential it's overwhelming, i need to hone in my powers and focus them on a few things. i could get so caught up in a lot of things...how do people do it? have 6 companies, 5 kids, 4 homes, 3 hobbies, 2 lovers and one at at time to do it in... like the time i have to waste and not be stressed. i like that i have the time to do what i want, and not be bothered. my stress should be nil. i need to get my eyebrows done. anyways, i stress and i need to work on that...it's not necessary. for a while i have been bombarded with messages that i need to love myself more. *sigh* i know it's god trying to tell me something...has to be...that's all i am hearing. i hear friends being concerned about me, enjoying my company, talking to me, telling me good things about myself. then there's the things on tv i see, and the random "you are cool ****" moments that i have. so, clearly i need to think better of myself. *sigh* it's hard. i'm trying though. i get tired of fighting what needs to happen in my life...just let the stuff happen, go through the changes and be done.

you know, i am a funny person, but i can't think of not a one funny story to put on here... i need comice relief. this blog can't be about my issues all that time...someone is going to read this and be like "ugh, i thought i had issues, this chick has issues AND she's boring." can't have that.

i'll work on it.

This is the rest...of my first entry...

One day I woke up. I had already been awake physically, but now I was truly awake.One day I woke up and I opened up. I purged the darkness from my mind and I swept out the lies. I rearranged my thinking. I pulled back the drapes that covered my soul’s window. The light almost blinded me. My eyes readjusted, my vision was altered. Things I saw clearly before became blurred. What was missing from my sight was clear. I began to notice the dust on the things I never chose to use in my life. I had gifts that were never opened and tools that I never allowed to do work in my life. Did I really consider this place a home? The air was stale and thick with tension and negative energy. How had I survived here? The trash of hurt and unforgiveness was piled up in every corner. I had pushed it out of the way but never taken it out. The light revealed it was all the way to the ceiling a whisper away from falling over in a tidal wave. I walk around and hear the squish beneath me feet. The floor, the carpet is soaked. I kneel down and press my fingers into the wetness…tears. Millions and millions of tear I never cried, had filled the floor of my soul, making the bottom heavy and sagging. I would need so much to clean up the mess in my soul.
I have been walking on fragile ground, at any moment the bottom could fall out and would be washed away.
But, today I woke up.
What was that smell? Oh, I can see now. Bitterness rises fromthe trash. It has been my perfume for years. An odor so strong it was almost visible. No one told me, they just avoided me. Maybe they did tell me. I wouldn't have heard them. My soul's stereo has been tuned into the lies of the enemy. The volume is maxed out and the lies are on all my CD's and on every radion station. I pulled the plug. Peace. I would need so much to clean up the mess in my soul. Thousands of trash bags. Hundreds of candles. Many vacuums and dust rags and cleaning solutions. I look around to evaluate the damage done, the damage I did. I'm overwhelmed by the work ahead of me. I should close the drapes and try to go back to sleep. I feel myself getting weary. I feel my weakness now. I can't do this alone. I give up. I surrender. I realize I am nothing...I feel more tears rushing onto the floor. Dust falls in the gifts and tools. The trash seem to bulge with a great volume. The songs of the lies begin to play in my mind.
Why did I wake up?
I look for an escape. The doors and windows are locked from the outside. I'm trapped. I'm scared. I look...my eyes dart all around...a gun, a knife, some poison...something to end it all. Nothing is there. Something does catch my eye. I had not noticed it before among all the chaos. There was something sitting out in the open, without dust, without trash, without the stench of bitterness and not drowned in tears. This thing was clean and it spoke... It called me by my full name. I approach it cautiously, curious.

"Take me, I am Love"
"Take me, I am Freedom"
"Take me, I am I am Forgiveness"
"Take me, I have already taken you"

In the form of a book yet so much more that literature I took Him in. I was embraced by His words and I closed my eyes. A moment of serene calm that seemed like a full night's sleep passed. I opened my eyes. I saw the trash of my life shrinking away slowly. The floor was becoming drier under my feet. The air was circulating and the dust had been wiped away.

"Thank you!! Thank you!! What can I do to repay you? Tell me."
"You've accepted my love, let me embrace you and most of all you surrendered so that I could take care of you. You don't owe anything. I thank you."

One day I woke up. I saw that my sould was filled with hurtful things. I gave up trying to fix it and received the help He was trying to give me all along.

I mean...

i know that things are never as bad as i think they are and the God will always come through, but last week sucked. i felt judged and like the world was coming to an end. i had to end some "friendships" and pray that this was me listening to God and not running away. i have cut ties with three men mr. guilt, tortured soul, and good on paper. all three of them were cool and they got to me. i let them. i chose to do the things i did with them because at the time, it felt like something i could handle and something that was far less risky than opening up to a real relationship. *sigh* needless to say, it did not work. i ended up hurt in a big way...and it sucked. so now i have cleaned house. i feel better, this was good. while i have the ability to be in touch with all three of these men, i have refrained. my friend said they won't take me seriously if i come in and out...she's right. so, i am alone...i am with myself. no distractions from the affections of some dude who has no clue how he's affecting me...or maybe they did know...bastards! anyways, it's just me now...no action. i am okay with that. kind of. i mean i have gone so long hiding from myself...(psychobabble may come at any moment) that i have not really gotten acquainted with who i am and what i want. well, i know what i want, i have not been secure in stating it, claiming it, and not settling for anything else. one of the dudes pointed some of my issues out. too bad he can't be in my life while i become the person i need to be. it's just not healthy...let him tell it. things should be fine...whatever...i digress. i am with myself. accepting the love that others give and not thinking that i am a source of entertainment, that people love me and want to be around me because they like me. that's it...nothing more. in my good moods and bad moods, they accept all of me. how lovely is that? i think it's great.

so, that's my personal issues...here are my work issue updates. one guy that i worked with has gone away...him being around made me feel judged and feeling like i can't do anything right. i'm sure he could careless, but there was an aura about him that made me feel weird. he's gone. the person i'm left with is okay. but i feel like i can do more...that what i am doing is okay... and that i am getting my job done...he REALLY does not care...he's handling his wife's insurance right now...and i'm talking to you. LOL!! i'm still a slacker...but now i'm a slacker who works if that makes sense. i hope to get a trip to dallas, i get to see my friend and maybe hit up a concert...i'm going to finnagle something, watch.

one day (i am writing a lot) i wrote down all the bad things that i saw about myself. the list was SO long...and it made me cry. then i tried to write the good things...and that was HARD. i thought of things but not nearly as many as the bad and i did not really feel that they were good or true...that's craziness. it made me cry a bit too. i still need to work on that. even now i am dwelling on the bad. the good seems very distant right now...maybe it's hormonal...seems like an everyday thing though...i went to counseling about these things. it just brought them all to the surface...it did not remove them...guess that's my job.

why is the tomato basil soup at la madeleine SO good?

why is it not time to go home yet? i thought i was killing a lot of time.

i guess i'll talk about my trip next time. i'm going to north carolina...never been before...i hope it's crunk...might get a job out there. i'm open to move.

peace

Couch Potato

I sat on the couch...
I turned on the TV.

I watched as others lived my life.

Sometimes I press my face to the screen as I change the channels.
Every flicker, was my heartbeat.

*click* Love unfulfilled...thump-thump
*click* Dreams deferred...thump-thump
*click* Opportunities missed...thump-thump

I became entertained with possibilities.
I laughed...I cried...I learned...I was kept in suspense.

Once, I saw a drama about a woman who risked everything to accomplish her dreams. She did not come close... She did gain valuable life experience and she was happy.
I admired her,
then I hated her.
I changed the channel.

A hilarious comedy about friends who were close like family, sharing life experiences, depending on each other and having a big laugh at the end...
Had me rolling,
then accentuated my loneliness.
I changed the channel.

A romantic love story about soulmates who find each other during trying times and do whatever it takes to make sure nothing stands in the way of their love, while thy fight the good fight for a love that last a lifetime...
Made my heart swell with warm fuzzy feelings,
then an aching tightening pain.
I changed the channel.

Ah! A one woman show starring someone sitting at home watching TV, letting her life pass her by, while feelinf self-pity and hopelessness, settling for watching others live her life for...
Captivated me,
then pissed me off.

She was being ridiculous! I could not watch her anymore.
I tried to change the channel.
She would not go away.
I realized the TV was off.
I had watched myself watching my life be played out by others.

So...

I got up.

*sigh* so today, i woke up and prayed that God would keep me level headed and that he would help me get things done so that I would not have to be on the defense when it comes to how i do my job. i have to remember...what's for me is for me...no one else is supposed to have the same struggle i do...no one else is supposed to have the rewards i have...they may have similar issues, but never the exact same. so, i accept that, i am trying to rest in it. *sigh* today, i saw God come through again...my memory about what he's done is SO short...i've gone through something a month ago and He was there and He came through, yet here i am now...feeling anxious about things. He came through, my job issue...handled...i have a trip somewhere tomorrow. YEAH! not too far away, but it is a trip nonetheless, and i have another issue to try and solve at work...this will keep my busy, or at least with the appearance of being busy for today. this is great. i love to see God move...the day will come when i don't panic first, i trust first...then i chill. today, i'm good. i'll be back...something else always happens to me...maybe i'll talk about something funny. laughter is needed right?

going through...

i have been going through it.
i have been trying to become a better less segmented person.
i have been seeing myself from the outside in.

i base how i feel about myself on what other people think...i know this to be a wrong way to see myself, but until this year and some counseling, i really had no clue i was doing this. i jus thought i was depressed because i did not have a better paying job or because i did not have a successful relationship or whatever. i have believed a lot of lies about myself and how i should see myself. anyways, there are many parts to me, that i have not accpeted as really me. like people are used to seeing a nice me, a kind funny, entertaining me...they don't get the sad, down, wants to be alone me. they are not used to the indifferent me. and this is not because of that time of the month or anything, these are just regular parts of me that are shown as much. so when they come out it seems like i am not myself. and i think that it's not really me. so i feel like i am not myself and i want to be what others expect. now that i am writing this and i have been talking about this, it seems ridiculous. silly, crazy. i have recently accepted that i am all the things that i show, the good the bad and the ugly...

i know that i need to see myself from the inside out. i need to see the christ that is in me and then tell myself positive affirmations and really believe them, then i need to accept that when people see good in me, that it's true, and when they see that i am not my usual happy self...that i am still good...not a different person, not unlike myself, but the same person. i have been fooling myself for so long, so many failed relationships, and a lot of time wasted feeling worthless and not deserving of good things, and always feeling anxious and on the verge of losing things. not being in control. i don't know why i think i need to hold everything together, but i'm tired of doing that now.

i'm going through it now...i'm going to go through it.

I feel like a slacker

So...I have a job and while it does not consume my whole day and stress me out, there are things that stress me and make me not want to work there anymore. *sigh* I mean I do my work, I get things done, I collect my check, but I am not satisfied, nor do I feel like I am doing a good job. Not because I am constantly not doing work, but because every so often a co-worker will bring up something in how I handle my contracts that makes me feel like I am not as good as he is. The issue today was travel. I WANT to go on a trip or six and visit my clients and waste time away from the office and rack up frequent flyer miles...the American dream, right? However my approach has not opened the door for those opportunities...I am not aggressive enough or whatever. I still get my work done. I chill at work basically. I have time to surf, chat online, talk an the phone and with others...and take long lunches, etc. It's cool. I want more. I want another job. Anyways, I feel like a slacker because of one fault being pointed out...I feel like my job is on the line and that I'm not doing what I need to do, even though I am. I spoke with my mom about it...and my best friend. I am going to be more aggressive...and I am going to make up a trip and go kick it. Have a short meeting and then hang out in Dallas or Cuero... somewhere. If they want to spend money then I'll do my best to spend it. I have not been opposed to going somewhere...I just have not put that major effort into doing it. There's other stuff, but I just had to get that out. Now I can talk about other stuff on my mind.

The beginning of my book, I think...

“Uh…Do you Kayden take Naliya to be your lawfully wedded wife?” The pastor was uncomfortable asking this question for the second time. Naliya felt like the temperature of the church was at least 200 degrees. Even though she was wearing a Cinderella style wedding gown she felt naked. “I can’t believe this is happening” she thought. Kayden’s eyes were locked on hers. Her eyes saw the hesitation in his face. He could see her heart breaking. He finally decided ten seconds ago that he could not marry Naliya. “Why could I not stop this before we got here” he thought. As he looked at Naliya looking more beautiful than ever he knew why he wanted to marry Naliya. As he looked out into the mass of faces waiting for an answer he saw the reason he couldn’t. His lips parted and all that came out was a faint whisper “I can’t.” Naliya cocked her head to the side as if she did not hear him but she heard him as if he yelled it in her ear. “I can’t” a little louder this time. Tears flooded Naliya’s eyes. Then a fired sparked in her. “What the hell do you mean ‘I can’t’? Oh yes you can!!!!” The pastor was not even appalled by her somewhat profane outburst in the sanctuary, it was quite understandable. The guests shifted in their seats wondering if the bride’s side was going to lay hands on the groom and his family. The groom’s family made apologetic faces because they had no idea what was going on or how to handle it. “Liya, please not here. Let me explain privately.”
Kayden grabbed Naliya’s hand and led her toward the back of the church. As she followed him she saw the faces of her family and friends waiting to receive a sign of what they should do. They rushed past the audience and into the pastoral offices of the church. Once the door was shut a sudden calm hit Naliya. She reasoned with herself that she was being set up or that this was a dream. There was no way that this nightmare as real. “Liya, I love you,”
“Don’t say that after what you just did.”
“Okay. Liya, I can’t marry you and I can’t even really tell you why because it’s complicated.”
“Complicated?”
“Yes.”
“Please stop bullshitting me, Kay. We know each other too well for that, don’t we?”
“Well, it is complicated and well…I am just not right for you.”
“How can you realize that now? Not at the rehearsal, not last week…why now in front of my family and friends. Let’s not mention after my parents have spent $60,000 on this wedding.”
“Liya, this is for the best. One day, maybe you’ll see I did you a favor, but for now I have to say that I can’t marry you.”
What Naliya did not know was that Kayden had been debating this for months. He loved Naliya but the lies, secrets and someone from his past had come back to haunt him and they were in the church pews at that very moment. As much as Kayden wanted to begin a life with Naliya he knew that it would never work with his demons staring him in the face.

Not finished yet...

One day I woke up. I had already been awake physically, but now I was truly awake.
One day I woke up and I opened up. I purged the darkness from my mind and I swept out the lies. I rearranged my thinking. I pulled back the drapes that covered my soul’s window. The light almost blinded me. My eyes readjusted, my vision was altered. Things I saw clearly before became blurred. What was missing from my sight was clear. I began to notice the dust on the things I never chose to use in my life. I had gifts that were never opened and tools that I never allowed to do work in my life. Did I really consider this place a home? The air was stale and thick with tension and negative energy. How had I survived here? The trash of hurt and unforgiveness was piled up in every corner. I had pushed it out of the way but never taken it out. The light revealed it was all the way to the ceiling a whisper away from falling over in a tidal wave. I walk around and hear the squish beneath me feet. The floor, the carpet is soaked. I kneel down and press my fingers into the wetness…tears. Millions and millions of tear I never cried, had filled the floor of my soul, making the bottom heavy and sagging. I would need so much to clean up the mess in my soul.