so i was in wal-mart with my cousin. this dude in the toothpaste isle looks at me and says "don't i know you?" i say "do you?" he realizes he's seen me at work before. i say "oh" and move along. he proceeds to talk to me and while i was not intersted in him i decided to be nice because i don't want be accused of being a black woman with an attitude. we make small talk and i notice there are roses in his basket so i think that he is going to have a nice evening with his girl and he'll leave me alone... no "can i have your number?" moments. i move to another isle and he's there again. he asks me to help him look for razors with aloe for a woman. i help him and move along. i notice that it's just he and i in the isle. he says, so do you think that i can have your number. i told him no. he asked why not. i told him i am not interested in starting anything with anyone, then he says i don't want to start anything we could talk as friends. i told him that i am not intersted in that either. then we move along. my issue is: how you gonna ask me for my phone number when you have roses in your basket and you are shopping for women's razors??? i don't know. even if i found him attractive, that would be an even worse situation for me to be in. what are we going to talk about, his girlfriend...we were in wal-mart...that's not where you meet friends, that's where you pick up women. *sigh*....men...they suck.
so, i can not and will not be entertaining the advances of any men until 2007. there's no point. i need time to heal up some. if a dude is really interested, he can wait and try again next year, until then...it's just me.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
so...i'm tired...
well now that i have typed the rest of the poem i wrote, i am tired. but i do want to give a little synopsis of my past week.
i went to dallas this weekend, fun times. i saw eric roberson...he great, i love him. he did not perfome my song, but he signed my cd "marchele, i ask you for clarity" at least i was happy about that. i got a perm...she had to cut about an inch off...so sick about that. it wil grow again, i'm sure. :( i was going to go to houston this weekend but, i have rescheduled that trip. i need to go there to see grams. my dad said her brain is getting worse. i don't have her mentally, i have not had her that way in a long time...but now with the acceleration in the deterioration(sp) i will lose her physically...i will be a sick mess thinking when that happens. i might not be at work...i already know. *sigh*...so, not ready.
okay now for something happier. i get to stay home this weekend. i need to sell my old car. i want to go to europe. i know someone there...kind of...i have not met this person, but i don't feel like there will be anything wrong with going to hang with him. why not i meet crazy people all the time...that would not be a surprise...now if i lost my life, that would not work for me. i'm just saying.
i need money and a new job, i should put my resume on here, that would be COOL!!...well not so cool, but if i got a job out of it...why not...wait...then they would see how crazy i am, then i would do it under a new name. a professional blog. i would put my...WAIT, i am so sure someone else has done this, i need to do some research.
i have been in a blah mood lately, nothing really excites me, i am in an "i don't care" mood. maybe i'm numb...that sucks. i need to feel like life is full of things to experience and actually feel those experiences. i thought it was hormonal, but i'm not a girl right now, and i still feel that way, what is wrong with me? no clue.
you ever feel like you have so much potential it's overwhelming, i need to hone in my powers and focus them on a few things. i could get so caught up in a lot of things...how do people do it? have 6 companies, 5 kids, 4 homes, 3 hobbies, 2 lovers and one at at time to do it in... like the time i have to waste and not be stressed. i like that i have the time to do what i want, and not be bothered. my stress should be nil. i need to get my eyebrows done. anyways, i stress and i need to work on that...it's not necessary. for a while i have been bombarded with messages that i need to love myself more. *sigh* i know it's god trying to tell me something...has to be...that's all i am hearing. i hear friends being concerned about me, enjoying my company, talking to me, telling me good things about myself. then there's the things on tv i see, and the random "you are cool ****" moments that i have. so, clearly i need to think better of myself. *sigh* it's hard. i'm trying though. i get tired of fighting what needs to happen in my life...just let the stuff happen, go through the changes and be done.
you know, i am a funny person, but i can't think of not a one funny story to put on here... i need comice relief. this blog can't be about my issues all that time...someone is going to read this and be like "ugh, i thought i had issues, this chick has issues AND she's boring." can't have that.
i'll work on it.
i went to dallas this weekend, fun times. i saw eric roberson...he great, i love him. he did not perfome my song, but he signed my cd "marchele, i ask you for clarity" at least i was happy about that. i got a perm...she had to cut about an inch off...so sick about that. it wil grow again, i'm sure. :( i was going to go to houston this weekend but, i have rescheduled that trip. i need to go there to see grams. my dad said her brain is getting worse. i don't have her mentally, i have not had her that way in a long time...but now with the acceleration in the deterioration(sp) i will lose her physically...i will be a sick mess thinking when that happens. i might not be at work...i already know. *sigh*...so, not ready.
okay now for something happier. i get to stay home this weekend. i need to sell my old car. i want to go to europe. i know someone there...kind of...i have not met this person, but i don't feel like there will be anything wrong with going to hang with him. why not i meet crazy people all the time...that would not be a surprise...now if i lost my life, that would not work for me. i'm just saying.
i need money and a new job, i should put my resume on here, that would be COOL!!...well not so cool, but if i got a job out of it...why not...wait...then they would see how crazy i am, then i would do it under a new name. a professional blog. i would put my...WAIT, i am so sure someone else has done this, i need to do some research.
i have been in a blah mood lately, nothing really excites me, i am in an "i don't care" mood. maybe i'm numb...that sucks. i need to feel like life is full of things to experience and actually feel those experiences. i thought it was hormonal, but i'm not a girl right now, and i still feel that way, what is wrong with me? no clue.
you ever feel like you have so much potential it's overwhelming, i need to hone in my powers and focus them on a few things. i could get so caught up in a lot of things...how do people do it? have 6 companies, 5 kids, 4 homes, 3 hobbies, 2 lovers and one at at time to do it in... like the time i have to waste and not be stressed. i like that i have the time to do what i want, and not be bothered. my stress should be nil. i need to get my eyebrows done. anyways, i stress and i need to work on that...it's not necessary. for a while i have been bombarded with messages that i need to love myself more. *sigh* i know it's god trying to tell me something...has to be...that's all i am hearing. i hear friends being concerned about me, enjoying my company, talking to me, telling me good things about myself. then there's the things on tv i see, and the random "you are cool ****" moments that i have. so, clearly i need to think better of myself. *sigh* it's hard. i'm trying though. i get tired of fighting what needs to happen in my life...just let the stuff happen, go through the changes and be done.
you know, i am a funny person, but i can't think of not a one funny story to put on here... i need comice relief. this blog can't be about my issues all that time...someone is going to read this and be like "ugh, i thought i had issues, this chick has issues AND she's boring." can't have that.
i'll work on it.
This is the rest...of my first entry...
One day I woke up. I had already been awake physically, but now I was truly awake.One day I woke up and I opened up. I purged the darkness from my mind and I swept out the lies. I rearranged my thinking. I pulled back the drapes that covered my soul’s window. The light almost blinded me. My eyes readjusted, my vision was altered. Things I saw clearly before became blurred. What was missing from my sight was clear. I began to notice the dust on the things I never chose to use in my life. I had gifts that were never opened and tools that I never allowed to do work in my life. Did I really consider this place a home? The air was stale and thick with tension and negative energy. How had I survived here? The trash of hurt and unforgiveness was piled up in every corner. I had pushed it out of the way but never taken it out. The light revealed it was all the way to the ceiling a whisper away from falling over in a tidal wave. I walk around and hear the squish beneath me feet. The floor, the carpet is soaked. I kneel down and press my fingers into the wetness…tears. Millions and millions of tear I never cried, had filled the floor of my soul, making the bottom heavy and sagging. I would need so much to clean up the mess in my soul.
I have been walking on fragile ground, at any moment the bottom could fall out and would be washed away.
But, today I woke up.
What was that smell? Oh, I can see now. Bitterness rises fromthe trash. It has been my perfume for years. An odor so strong it was almost visible. No one told me, they just avoided me. Maybe they did tell me. I wouldn't have heard them. My soul's stereo has been tuned into the lies of the enemy. The volume is maxed out and the lies are on all my CD's and on every radion station. I pulled the plug. Peace. I would need so much to clean up the mess in my soul. Thousands of trash bags. Hundreds of candles. Many vacuums and dust rags and cleaning solutions. I look around to evaluate the damage done, the damage I did. I'm overwhelmed by the work ahead of me. I should close the drapes and try to go back to sleep. I feel myself getting weary. I feel my weakness now. I can't do this alone. I give up. I surrender. I realize I am nothing...I feel more tears rushing onto the floor. Dust falls in the gifts and tools. The trash seem to bulge with a great volume. The songs of the lies begin to play in my mind.
Why did I wake up?
I look for an escape. The doors and windows are locked from the outside. I'm trapped. I'm scared. I look...my eyes dart all around...a gun, a knife, some poison...something to end it all. Nothing is there. Something does catch my eye. I had not noticed it before among all the chaos. There was something sitting out in the open, without dust, without trash, without the stench of bitterness and not drowned in tears. This thing was clean and it spoke... It called me by my full name. I approach it cautiously, curious.
"Take me, I am Love"
"Take me, I am Freedom"
"Take me, I am I am Forgiveness"
"Take me, I have already taken you"
In the form of a book yet so much more that literature I took Him in. I was embraced by His words and I closed my eyes. A moment of serene calm that seemed like a full night's sleep passed. I opened my eyes. I saw the trash of my life shrinking away slowly. The floor was becoming drier under my feet. The air was circulating and the dust had been wiped away.
"Thank you!! Thank you!! What can I do to repay you? Tell me."
"You've accepted my love, let me embrace you and most of all you surrendered so that I could take care of you. You don't owe anything. I thank you."
One day I woke up. I saw that my sould was filled with hurtful things. I gave up trying to fix it and received the help He was trying to give me all along.
I have been walking on fragile ground, at any moment the bottom could fall out and would be washed away.
But, today I woke up.
What was that smell? Oh, I can see now. Bitterness rises fromthe trash. It has been my perfume for years. An odor so strong it was almost visible. No one told me, they just avoided me. Maybe they did tell me. I wouldn't have heard them. My soul's stereo has been tuned into the lies of the enemy. The volume is maxed out and the lies are on all my CD's and on every radion station. I pulled the plug. Peace. I would need so much to clean up the mess in my soul. Thousands of trash bags. Hundreds of candles. Many vacuums and dust rags and cleaning solutions. I look around to evaluate the damage done, the damage I did. I'm overwhelmed by the work ahead of me. I should close the drapes and try to go back to sleep. I feel myself getting weary. I feel my weakness now. I can't do this alone. I give up. I surrender. I realize I am nothing...I feel more tears rushing onto the floor. Dust falls in the gifts and tools. The trash seem to bulge with a great volume. The songs of the lies begin to play in my mind.
Why did I wake up?
I look for an escape. The doors and windows are locked from the outside. I'm trapped. I'm scared. I look...my eyes dart all around...a gun, a knife, some poison...something to end it all. Nothing is there. Something does catch my eye. I had not noticed it before among all the chaos. There was something sitting out in the open, without dust, without trash, without the stench of bitterness and not drowned in tears. This thing was clean and it spoke... It called me by my full name. I approach it cautiously, curious.
"Take me, I am Love"
"Take me, I am Freedom"
"Take me, I am I am Forgiveness"
"Take me, I have already taken you"
In the form of a book yet so much more that literature I took Him in. I was embraced by His words and I closed my eyes. A moment of serene calm that seemed like a full night's sleep passed. I opened my eyes. I saw the trash of my life shrinking away slowly. The floor was becoming drier under my feet. The air was circulating and the dust had been wiped away.
"Thank you!! Thank you!! What can I do to repay you? Tell me."
"You've accepted my love, let me embrace you and most of all you surrendered so that I could take care of you. You don't owe anything. I thank you."
One day I woke up. I saw that my sould was filled with hurtful things. I gave up trying to fix it and received the help He was trying to give me all along.
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