Sometimes you just have to know...right?

Maybe I shouldn't have tried to know today. I had a sudden mood swing and I don't want to blame it on anyone...I think it was because I have been dwelling on something and I had to know. The more I kept putting it off, the worse it got. Couple that with the other "stresses" in my life and you have a recipe for depression. Okay, let me be real...I have a nice life. I am loved, I have a job, food, a nice car, clothes, people who genuinely care for me and a wealth of other things, sometimes even small surprises in life that make things beautiful (I got a big ass pixie stick from Dave and Buster's last night, I was estatic...it does not take much). So what's the problem? Wanting more money, a decent relationship, a steady mood, to really and truly believe that things are okay. I fell off from my lovely spot of feeling like things were okay. *sigh*
Okay about today: I confronted someone about some things I had been thinking about. I got answers, but I'm not sure if they are what I wanted to hear...or if they were the truth...or what...The conversation was strained and tense as I laid out what I was thinking and feeling. The other party was visibly shook by what I said and asked. We spoke in whispers so that we would not draw attention, but I'm sure anyone could tell by our body language that things were not right. Our hushed session of question and confession was marked with long silences and forced phrases. I wanted to take things back...not start this conversation, have a happy time. Not possible. My mood, my mind was already made up "Ask, you need to know." I listened intently. I processed what I was told and I felt like digging deeper and comforting the other person at the same time. Was I wrong for asking? Did I really want to know? Would I get the truth? Would this mean the end of something or the beginning? I had no clue. I pressed on, it was too late to ignore what had been placed on the table. *sigh* I heard stories that made me feel compassion...and then I heard confessions that pissed me off...I thought that this was what I wanted...to know, to have it all put out there. Now I'm listening to Sarah Vaughn and other slow jazzy music fighting the tears that I have needed to cry. I feel frustrated. I don't know if I got any answers. I thought I was past this, I thought I was ready to be adult about this and just say what I need to say, ask what I need to ask. Looking into the face that I changed from smiles to frown, seeing that the hurt is not just from me, but from so many others things that have come to head in that moment, made me feel like I should have presented my case better. But how? No matter when I asked, it would have turned up with the same result. I could have approached it better, but it would have meant the same thing. Broken feelings. We parted ways without a goodbye. Me walking away with no more information than I came with, I think. The other, walking away with the weight of many life situations gone wrong pressing down. I don't know what to do. I thought I wanted to know. I don't even know if I know. *sigh* Clearly this is not over.

On another note. I am so ready to be away on a break. Even though it's with crazy family...I'll take that over sitting alone and being depressed. I hope to have a better mood next time. I need some happy pills...anyone have some? :)