why can't i cry

i can't cry. i just ended something with someone and i can't cry...it hurts like hell...God heard my thoughts and took them as prayers and gave me what i asked for...again...i want to cry let it out, heal. i can't and i don't understand why. i feel like i need to...where are my tears. i'm even listening to sad songs...no tears. there's a part of me that feels/knows that this is for the best. there was no way that i could hold on to this and get what i want. i had to not be afraid to let it go. i spared him the "i wish you the best...i hope you have a wonderful life" talk. we just hung up. just, good bye. i felt the tears, i felt the emotion coming, it has not erupted. this bothers me. so now, there is no one...i mean no one for me to place my "more than friends" feelings on. just myself i guess. i wanted to be something for someone, but my feelings and desires and wants from him become overbearing. he could not, and was not trying to give me what i need. i need to have a man that i have feelings for be with me. not in a "situation" i can't do it. i have too much resentment. i wanted to be friends with him, thinking that this would be a change in my life. i realize that i am not friends with any man that i have been involved with. it's too much. especially since they have girlfriends. why would i do that to myself? i tried though. i want too much from him, them. so they don't get to be in my life. i was convinced that i was being a coward by not at least trying. i tried. it does not work. they need to move around. this is a good thing...it hurts, but i have spent too much emotion on him without having things turn out the way i want. call me controlling, call me selfish, call me whatever. i need more. i'm sorry that you have crazy things happen. i was a safe place, but he was not a safe place for me. too many feelings. he was very upset. i don't think that he should be okay with it, but i was not a good friend if every time we talked, i had some resentful comment to say, or our conversation led to an uncomfortable silence. he was the last to go. i can not go through this again. if i have to be alone, so be it. i can't do this again.

why can't i cry?
2007 has to be different. please! i'm so sad. i think i should cry. maybe this is not something to cry over. maybe it's something to accept. it was coming. if not tonight, soon. God acts fast. maybe it's because He's ready to do some things me NOW!! i'm ready. bring it.

so sad. so sad. no tears...not a one.
i don't get it.

i can't cry.