It's 11 days into 2007 and I am already being tested...

So...
I am going to need for those who I left in 2006 and prior years to stay there. I mean I can see how someone would take me not talking to them personally. It is personally better for me to not speak with them. The way I see it, if we were really supposed to be friends, I could not be without you. It would feel good to have you in my life. I would want to resolve issues to make sure we had a good relationship. BUT, if I do not feel that way...leave me alone. It's okay to not be in touch with someone. It's okay to not speak. I know you are there...I have nothing to say to you.
*sigh*
I feel completely lied to and deceived by Tortured Soul. I mean I don't get him. He told me so much and I wanted to believe it...all lies. I have to tell myself that. Holding on to a possibility that he was sincere would drive me crazy. I have to believe that he was false. I need people to be clear and act like what they say. I tell people upfront: I don't rememeber everything I say, I contradict myself, I run from conflict, I will do things that hurt you, I do not intend to hurt you, I will forget stuff, I wil piss you off. That way when I am good, it's great and when I'm bad, it's expected. Nice. If you say you love me...act like it. If you want to be with me...do something to get to me. If you don't, how am I supposed to believe that that is what you want? I won't.
Another, Preacher Man, tried to contact me yesterday. He said I crossed his mind. I text him back. I said: Why? I mean really, why am I crossing your mind? You are married, you left me to marry someone else...you are a pastor of a church. I don't need to ever be on your mind. And if I am , you don't need to contact me to see how I am doing. All you will get is that I am fine. All you need to know is that I am fine. Why would I divulge anymore than that to you? We are not friends. I was a friend to you and you betrayed that...so, you are not privileged to my life anymore. He had the nerve to tell me: You are very short with me, I guess it's understandable though...Well YES!! Hell yes, I am short with you. What do we have to talk about? I can't be there for you. You lost the privilege of my counsel. Something you once loved and valued, you spit on and left because "it just felt right" to leave. So be where you are, thank you.
*sigh*
Another is annoying me...He wants to know if I hate him. No, I am don't care about you at all...how about that? So what we don't talk...so what I don't respond to your messages...what do we have to talk about? If I repsond to one message, that leads to you thinking I will always respond. That leads to you thinking that all is well and it's not. It just isn't. You can't make it better. So leave it alone. I can be cordial, that does not mean kool-aiding with you. It means, I don't frown when I see you. It means I stay in the same room when you are there. It does not mean that I have to speak. It jsut doesn't. Quit whining!! "Do you hate me or something?" What kind of question is that? "I understand you don't want to be my friend..." Do you? Obviously, you don't or you would not try and talk to me.
*sigh*
So, I had to vent a bit. Very frustrating. This is 2007, I will be fine. I will be better. I'm clearly being tested. I have other things to worry about than other people's feelings. Wait...that sounded rude. There are certain people's feelings I no longer consider important enough to change how I respond to them. That's better.
I used to really care about Tortured Soul. Two years of mess, heartache, pain, waiting, being a fool. No more. Now I don't care. He can jump off a bridge right now. I can't do it anymore. I really cared, wanted to be there and he spit on it. All over it. The thing is, is that he does not see it that way. He thinks I am dissing him. HA!! Whatever!!! I want more from him and he can't/won't do it...so he gets put to the side. He gets put out of my life.
*sigh*
I'm upset. Like I'm really hot right now.

I have other things going on. My health is a concern. My job and finances are a concern. My life is the most important thing right now. Not egos of buttheads.

Maybe later on I will be more open to communication. I would hate to think that I can't ever be civil. It's just so hard when you feel betrayed. The song Resentment definitely applies here. I'm full of it. That's why I had to leave them alone. All of them. Why can't they respect that?

Why?

*sigh*
ICTT!!