Love Day...the aftermath...

well another love day has come and gone. there were times where i wish i had someone and there were times when i was happy that i was loved period. thigns could have been worse...could have been better...this is my life and i am okay with what happened. i went out and kicked it last night. i had a blast, danced and flirted and just chilled with the girls...this friday is going to be CRUNK!! i can't wait.
i have an interview tomorrow. i am thrilled and nervous. i will do my best. if it is for me then i will have the job. God has already claimed my treasures for me. i believe in that and i will not think otherwise. when it comes, it will be so right and so perfect...well i may not recognize it as perfect, but it wil be mine the way God wants it. nice.

*sigh* i'm trying...i am really trying to not think about tortured soul...i meani have done well with not talking to him and seeing him and all that jazz. my life is complete and fun without it. there is guilt that i dipped out on him. he needed me...so he said. i think that when push comes to shove he knows i'm there. part of me wants to know how he feels about me. do you still care? do you still want me in your life? have you realized that we don't need to be in each other's lives? i don't know. i know that he needs more than what i can give. and i need more than what he can give. i just couldn't go on. the being upset, the pretending that i was fine...doesn't work. he can't give me what i thought i wanted from him. it killed me to see him with another. hurt me to know and hear all that he feels, and not have a chance to ever act on it. sucks...made me feel he was a liar, made me angry made me feel stupid. then...i see him...the back of him...he walked slow and sad. my heart ached for him. wanted to hug him wanted to look in his eyes and have him tell me what was wrong...knowing i would be drawn in. i did not approach him. he did not even know i could see him. my heart ached...what the hell is wrong with me? *sigh* to satisfy my heart i sent an email. i asked him how he was doing. he was not doing well. i asked if he found someone to talk to. he did. i told him he needed a hug or 12. he said "thanks, but no thanks" crushed! *sigh* so i feel rejected, disheartened and dumb for even asking. i thought it would have been okay. it was, until i pushed it with a suggestion of contact. maybe he feels that it's best that we don't ever talk. ever communicate again. he was happy once. he said that i did that. now, i am not a source of happiness for him. he can't be a source of happiness for me. we are just a he and i...not an us, or we. not together. our paths in life are no longer crossed. they are separating. i chose this. my choice was to free myself. i am ignorant to believe that i am free. not now. not yet.
this is not to say that i will try and start something up with him and renege on what i said. i can't be his friend now. i just can't. my stupid heart feels otherwise. other wise...other than wise. my heart feels what is other than wise. my mind knows better. i had thought it through, looked at the evidence...things were not working. *sigh* maybe i wanted him to hug me, but i made it seem like it was something he should need. maybe i wanted him to hold me, be strong for me. someone will be strong for me one day. i'm getting weary.

anyways, on to more fun stuff.

belgium boy and i have been in touch with each other more. fun times. he's pretty cool and he made my phone bill sky high. it was worth it. i enjoy good conversation.
i went to a dinner party where the men cooked and served and cleaned while the women sat around and discussed politics and drinking wine. fun times. i loved it. had a chance to flirt and everything. kind of thought something might have come from my flirtations. but...it didn't...oh well.
i am going to houston next week. i like to travel a bit now. my mom's birthday is next week. i'm glad i get to be there for that...for free!
i am taking some meds that help my mood. i'd like to think they are working. even though i was disturbed by tortured soul today, i have felt pretty good about things. not so "end of the world" i'm more easy about things.
i love cereal, it's my new craving
i'm pretty much doing well...

that's all i have.

peace