Don't hold me to this...

After me trip to Dallas, I came back and things were different. I did not have the same level of affection for tortured soul like I did before I left. Hmm...I talked to him and even saw him and I just have that same intensity for him like I did. Don't hold me to this because next week I might be all into him again. Hopefully that's not the case though. I want to be over him. I don't want to feel like I am waiting on the right situation to be with him. I am waiting for the right man, period. Clearly he is not it. Kind of sad...nah not really. I mean he has a piece of my heart and all but, it's just not right. I am not convinced it ever will be. God would not do that to me...I hope not.

On a side note: You ever have times when you get out of sync with your friends and you feel like you are starting from scratch with them? I have a few friends and we have not been around each other like before. Now, I know life gets in the way some times, but until I am able to hang out with them, I am going to wonder if things are okay. I have made some contact...it's on them to accept. I'm not trying to kick people out. Maybe they wanted out...I have no clue.

On another side note: I kind of wonder why every dude I have been involved with has gotten a girlfriend IMMEDIATELY after being with me. Dudes: if you want a girlfriend, give me six months of your time and shortly thereafter you will have a longterm girlfriend or wife. It won't be me, but you will have one. That sucks.

My diary is jealous. Clearly I don't say everything here. That would be crazy.

Peace

I'm trying to grow a set

I need to get some balls and stop being such a punk. I mean, I am cute, smart, funny and a good person yet I insist on living within self-set boundaries that keep me from experiencing life. I had a talk with my homeboy. He told me to stop being such a worrier and just live. He pointed out that I am so worried about what other people will think about what I am doing, that I miss the fact that they are doing whatever they want, and they are telling me to not do those things. Double standard I guess. I agree him. I do worry about what others think. I feel like I should be at a higher level or a higher standard in the way I live my life. I put this on myself, in the end, I have to deal withthe consequences, no one else. They can say whatever, but they go around and do things that I would not recommend...do they really feel the need to do what I say? So, why am I anticipating what they will think? Why am I bound by their reactions? I have no clue. the point is, is that I need to get some balls and say "Hey, now...I am going to do things and live!" I am not going to be reckless or so far off the chain that I do more harm than good, but I will take more chances and step outside my box more. I have said this before...it's a process, but here is proof that I am trying:
I admitted my feelings to someone regardless of what would happen between us. I feel better about that.
I called a dude that was interested in me (with some coaxing from my friend), instead of instantly counting him out, because he was not my "ideal". Fact is, I have no clue what my ideal is.
I kicked it this weekend. I drove all over Dallas and saw friends and spent money...I might regret that one later on.
I dressed a little sexier, danced and flirted with the men and did not worry too much about whether or not I was fat, too tall, too revealing, to flirtatious. I just had fun.
I am going to try and buy a condo...I will have to buy appliances, get a second job and save my ass off, but I really want to try for it. I have support. I will get another job at some point, so why not. I'm doing it!!!

Now for some those things seem minimal. For me and how I have lived, these are big steps. They are going to take me out of my comfort zone where I feel I have control. They will make realize that I do not have control and that it's okay to be in that situation. God's got me. I need to live.
Well, I had an excellent trip to Dallas. I can't wait to come back. I have gotten in touch with one of my line sisters and I hope to have relationships with all of them. I want to be in the mix if I can.

I will keep you posted on the happenings. I am sure this is the beginning of some crazy stuff. I'm thinking, some fun, some pain, some confusion and some triumphs.
I hope the dude calls me back...wait...it will be cool if he calls, if he doesn't I will be okay.

Until later,
Me