Just when you think you're okay...

you're really not okay...or maybe you are and you just have a minor set back in your progress...
before i begin: i am a horrble typer, i really want to go back and proofread my entries, but i think that it makes them more raw and real...basically i'm lazy; i am going to continue to type all wrong...no caps unless it's for emphasis.

okay, the latest.

i just had a run in with one of the three men. i see him and realize...i really care about this man...that sucks. i want to be there for him and comfort him and talk to him. seeing him was not so bad. talking to him not so bad. i just know i could get drawn back in. i'm not strong enough yet. i re-read what i wrote about the men...i was UPSET, highly pissed. i'm much better now. it's okay. i don't feel as much hostility. being away from them has helped me out considerably. a lady told me yesterday that a friendship should be able to make it through trials. then she said that only i know what i can handle. i can't be around the dudes...yet right now i am awaiting another e-mail from him that gives me some kind of connection to him. i don't even want to know about his girl situation or his troubles...but i do...know what i mean? i want to be there for him. i love him...i can't be there, it would hurt me too much. i don't want to be with him, but it's hard for me to be there for him...this is too much. i'm not as shook as i was the first time i saw him after his return. i just know that i still care. i still care so much. DANG IT!! *sigh* this sucks. i waited until he came out of the bathroom so that i could speak with him. i wanted to let him know that i did not mean to be rude to him last time. i didn't, my frustration came out. i wanted to show him that even though i can't be involved with him like i was...i still care. i can't get too close...my heart would suffer...i would be too crushed. even now, i feel it. our simple e-mails are pulling me in. i refrain from going into detail, or asking about what he's been up to, or telling him that i care for him. he may need to hear it, i'm afraid of where that will put me.

selfish...confused...defensive.

the others that i left alone were easier, i see that now. we were not as involved. this one...is rough. how can i be a friend and stil preserve my sanity? i wait, until i feel confident that i can take it...that i can handle being jealous and upset, and possessive. i am possessive. i realize that. i don't really like it when others are that way, i guess i did not like that about myself. i really never knew it though...anyways, i am.
*sigh* what have we learned...i am still getting over the men that i let get close to me. one of them is definitely in my heart more that the others, not sure if he'll ever just go away. maybe if i moved...i don't know.

i am committed to getting through this and not being sucked back in. i will be strong for myself and for others who think that i am strong to make sure it's not a false strength. no facades.

i feel better. oooo, i am going to do a poem tonight. i am excited, it's for my grams. i'm nervous already but i want to share this...i'll post it later.