This is the rest...of my first entry...

One day I woke up. I had already been awake physically, but now I was truly awake.One day I woke up and I opened up. I purged the darkness from my mind and I swept out the lies. I rearranged my thinking. I pulled back the drapes that covered my soul’s window. The light almost blinded me. My eyes readjusted, my vision was altered. Things I saw clearly before became blurred. What was missing from my sight was clear. I began to notice the dust on the things I never chose to use in my life. I had gifts that were never opened and tools that I never allowed to do work in my life. Did I really consider this place a home? The air was stale and thick with tension and negative energy. How had I survived here? The trash of hurt and unforgiveness was piled up in every corner. I had pushed it out of the way but never taken it out. The light revealed it was all the way to the ceiling a whisper away from falling over in a tidal wave. I walk around and hear the squish beneath me feet. The floor, the carpet is soaked. I kneel down and press my fingers into the wetness…tears. Millions and millions of tear I never cried, had filled the floor of my soul, making the bottom heavy and sagging. I would need so much to clean up the mess in my soul.
I have been walking on fragile ground, at any moment the bottom could fall out and would be washed away.
But, today I woke up.
What was that smell? Oh, I can see now. Bitterness rises fromthe trash. It has been my perfume for years. An odor so strong it was almost visible. No one told me, they just avoided me. Maybe they did tell me. I wouldn't have heard them. My soul's stereo has been tuned into the lies of the enemy. The volume is maxed out and the lies are on all my CD's and on every radion station. I pulled the plug. Peace. I would need so much to clean up the mess in my soul. Thousands of trash bags. Hundreds of candles. Many vacuums and dust rags and cleaning solutions. I look around to evaluate the damage done, the damage I did. I'm overwhelmed by the work ahead of me. I should close the drapes and try to go back to sleep. I feel myself getting weary. I feel my weakness now. I can't do this alone. I give up. I surrender. I realize I am nothing...I feel more tears rushing onto the floor. Dust falls in the gifts and tools. The trash seem to bulge with a great volume. The songs of the lies begin to play in my mind.
Why did I wake up?
I look for an escape. The doors and windows are locked from the outside. I'm trapped. I'm scared. I look...my eyes dart all around...a gun, a knife, some poison...something to end it all. Nothing is there. Something does catch my eye. I had not noticed it before among all the chaos. There was something sitting out in the open, without dust, without trash, without the stench of bitterness and not drowned in tears. This thing was clean and it spoke... It called me by my full name. I approach it cautiously, curious.

"Take me, I am Love"
"Take me, I am Freedom"
"Take me, I am I am Forgiveness"
"Take me, I have already taken you"

In the form of a book yet so much more that literature I took Him in. I was embraced by His words and I closed my eyes. A moment of serene calm that seemed like a full night's sleep passed. I opened my eyes. I saw the trash of my life shrinking away slowly. The floor was becoming drier under my feet. The air was circulating and the dust had been wiped away.

"Thank you!! Thank you!! What can I do to repay you? Tell me."
"You've accepted my love, let me embrace you and most of all you surrendered so that I could take care of you. You don't owe anything. I thank you."

One day I woke up. I saw that my sould was filled with hurtful things. I gave up trying to fix it and received the help He was trying to give me all along.