i'm growner today.
i am thankful for another year. a lot has happened in a year, and it's nice to know that you have people in your life who will take the time to be real with you. i have plenty of that.
God has been great, even though i have been feeling pretty distant from Him. like i just have not felt the urge to just be all for Him...i'm in a very superficial state right now. i'm truly thankful, but it's something i question (i know it's confusing) because i don't FEEL it. you know what i mean?
i had an encounter with someone who is cool, but i don't have any certainty with him...so it feels like i should just leave it alone...which i can do.
i have a job that i really like. i mean i really like what i do, and that i am appreciated and i feel like i can actually move up in the company, or at least make contacts to move up somewhere else. things are nice. i don't feel old...i did think..."it would be crazy if i woke up with gray hair and arthiritis all of a sudden...no gray...joints feel nice.
so tonight i am having a birthday thing. i am glad that my friend set it up and is really making sure that she contacts who i asked. nice. i had a grand vision of how i wanted it to go... 50 people at the restaurant enjoying themselves, laughing talking and eating. singing happy birthday and really feeling like they want to be there, because it's me...the main thing that will be different tonight from my fantasy is the number of people. it will be more like 15. ehh, i guess that's okay. better then none, right? oh, and i hoped for people from out of town to come...mainly my best friend and maybe my mom and some others...that would be HOT!
people think i'll be celebrating into the weekend...i don't know about that...i might...buy another pair of shoes or something...hang out with friends...chill and reflect on my life and how blessed i am.
i know that i am blessed. i wish my heart would feel open enough to really accept that. i think i might cry a lot if it opens up. i need to not be afraid to cry. i want to be open...i can do it!! i think...
well, i guess i should work now.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
This is what I read in DC...
When I wrote this, I was in a very upset place...frustrated and ready for something to just happen so I could let the situation go. It's gone, but the poem is still HOT!!:
Lie to Me
I sat before you stared in your eyes, those sexy sparkling eyes, begging you to lie to me.
Beautiful Love, lie to me.
Paint me a picture of a harsh reality that will explain the hurt I suffer.
The truth you claim to live and the truth I see don’t match. Something has to change.
Lie to me.
Tell me you love her.
That her smile is what keeps you warm when the world has turned its back on you.
She brings you heaven when you make love to her.
Everyone else is a strange place because she is home.
Beautiful Love, cut me with your lies.
Smile with your sexy sparkling eyes while I bleed out the truth of what we used to have,
when I was your only love.
Lie to me.
Take my hand and lead me to the place where you first told her you loved her.
Point at the impression your knee left in the ground as you promised your fidelity.
Make me stand in her place so I can feel the ghost of that moment possess me.
Let it distort my view and make me believe for a second that it was me that you were proposing to.
Then snatch me out of the happiness you two shared. Shake me back to reality and declare
“This will never be you.”
Beautiful Love, lie to me.
Snuff out the candle of hope that I burning for us.
I need you to degrade my emotions. Strip them of any dignity. Make a mockery of my love for you.
Tell me your heart will never recognize mine. Your skin will never melt under my touch.
I’m pleading with you. Just lie to me.
Beautiful Love
The truth is much worse than the lies.
The truth traps my heart, holds it captive and tortures it with possibility.
The truth drips reciprocation of my love on my heart like Chinese water torture.
It sinks the thoughts of other loves like chained slaves that were pushed overboard in the Atlantic.
That evil sadistic truth draws me to you like a gorgeous butterfly to a deadly fire.
The truth that you love me but can’t be with me does not soothe the pain.
I thought the truth was supposed to set me free. It was supposed to help me maintain my sanity.
Beautiful Love, your lies are the only thing that can save me.
Don’t even tell me you are doing this for my own good, because I’ll mistake that as you caring for me.
I can’t handle that.
Your sexy sparkling eyes must grow dull at the site of me.
Your skin must crawl when you are in close proximity to me.
I need to believe you loathe me.
Please.
Soon, I’ll being to believe those lies.
I’ll forget the day you told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to you.
The nights of intimacy we shared will seem like dreams of a time in my life that I hope will come, not one that has already passed.
My Beautiful Love, soon I’ll hate you…no…I’ll become indifferent to you.
Indifference is the true opposite of love.
You will become foreign to my heart.
Your touch will be cold to me.
Your smile will reflect nothing more than a smile, instead of the lifetime we shared in our kiss.
No longer will my hope for us be manipulated by your truth.
Your lies will make two plus two equal four again.
Beautiful Love, I need you to lie to me.
Release my heart and return my sanity.
Degrade my hope and cut down my love for you.
Lie to me Beautiful Love with those sexy sparkling eyes
And break my heart for good.
Lie to Me
I sat before you stared in your eyes, those sexy sparkling eyes, begging you to lie to me.
Beautiful Love, lie to me.
Paint me a picture of a harsh reality that will explain the hurt I suffer.
The truth you claim to live and the truth I see don’t match. Something has to change.
Lie to me.
Tell me you love her.
That her smile is what keeps you warm when the world has turned its back on you.
She brings you heaven when you make love to her.
Everyone else is a strange place because she is home.
Beautiful Love, cut me with your lies.
Smile with your sexy sparkling eyes while I bleed out the truth of what we used to have,
when I was your only love.
Lie to me.
Take my hand and lead me to the place where you first told her you loved her.
Point at the impression your knee left in the ground as you promised your fidelity.
Make me stand in her place so I can feel the ghost of that moment possess me.
Let it distort my view and make me believe for a second that it was me that you were proposing to.
Then snatch me out of the happiness you two shared. Shake me back to reality and declare
“This will never be you.”
Beautiful Love, lie to me.
Snuff out the candle of hope that I burning for us.
I need you to degrade my emotions. Strip them of any dignity. Make a mockery of my love for you.
Tell me your heart will never recognize mine. Your skin will never melt under my touch.
I’m pleading with you. Just lie to me.
Beautiful Love
The truth is much worse than the lies.
The truth traps my heart, holds it captive and tortures it with possibility.
The truth drips reciprocation of my love on my heart like Chinese water torture.
It sinks the thoughts of other loves like chained slaves that were pushed overboard in the Atlantic.
That evil sadistic truth draws me to you like a gorgeous butterfly to a deadly fire.
The truth that you love me but can’t be with me does not soothe the pain.
I thought the truth was supposed to set me free. It was supposed to help me maintain my sanity.
Beautiful Love, your lies are the only thing that can save me.
Don’t even tell me you are doing this for my own good, because I’ll mistake that as you caring for me.
I can’t handle that.
Your sexy sparkling eyes must grow dull at the site of me.
Your skin must crawl when you are in close proximity to me.
I need to believe you loathe me.
Please.
Soon, I’ll being to believe those lies.
I’ll forget the day you told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to you.
The nights of intimacy we shared will seem like dreams of a time in my life that I hope will come, not one that has already passed.
My Beautiful Love, soon I’ll hate you…no…I’ll become indifferent to you.
Indifference is the true opposite of love.
You will become foreign to my heart.
Your touch will be cold to me.
Your smile will reflect nothing more than a smile, instead of the lifetime we shared in our kiss.
No longer will my hope for us be manipulated by your truth.
Your lies will make two plus two equal four again.
Beautiful Love, I need you to lie to me.
Release my heart and return my sanity.
Degrade my hope and cut down my love for you.
Lie to me Beautiful Love with those sexy sparkling eyes
And break my heart for good.
So, you wanna try something new...
well, here's an update... i went to dc and had a blast. i hope to do it again next year. i did poetry there at busboys and poets, funtimes. i've had a couple of encounters with a dude who showed interest in me. he's cool, but i'm pretty sure he won't be my man. which leads me to what's on my mind...
i have a very self defeatist attitude about dating and the men who i am dating. technically, i'm not dating anyone, i've just hung out with the dude. but, my friends said that they don't want to date just to be dating. i'm thinking...why not... i mean, i'm not exclusive with anyone, so why not get to know someone. i'm not ready for marriage and i think that i need to be around some dudes and handle the situation better with them before i am ready to just be with someone. this current dude and the next few, i'm pretty sure won't be my man...definitely not husband material, not for me. i know, self defeating...but it's how i feel. the question arose...have you asked God about this? umm...no i haven't. so should i not go out with anyone? should i stay to myself until i see i guy i think would be husband material...how would i find that out? by being friends with the dude...i hang out with the same people and anyone else that i meet i will probably have to "date" in order to get to know them...i can't stay with the church crowd...it's slightly dysfunctional and it hinders my ability to meet men...i don't want anyone that i hang out with now. so, most likely any man i meet i will have to get to know in the context of hanging out with him without the pressure of getting to a relationship in order to know what he's about, which is what i feel i'm doing.
so...in the process of hanging out, going out on dates with these men...i am pretty sure i am going to go through a couple of them before i end up with "boo". i felt like my friends were pointing out the flaws in my ideas of dating as to say "you are going to get used up by dealing with these men and you will be in the same position you were in before" HOW am i supposed to get to boo, without going through the fools? now God can make anything happen. i can go without dating anyone and then when it's time, i meet and marry the next one i get involved with...very possible. i like to hang out, and i will hang out, i will not be all up under, or trying to make something with someone. i am just going to hang out. if it's something that should be something then it will come. my friend felt like i could be giving guys the wrong impression by hanging out with them and they will think it's going somewhere and i don't feel that way. well...things will not move that fast. we would have talked before then. sex won't happen, so i won't have that soul tie...
all i'm trying to say is that if a dude wants to get to know me, then let's get to know each other...no pressure, no expectations, just hanging out. if the chemistry and timing are there, then it will pop off...i am just doubtful that it will be in the next few situations i'm in.
the current one...he's older, previously married and while he's cool...i don't think he's who i need to marry...i just don't. my problem comes from when i KNOW that and i keep going. i guess since i think i know what it is, i should leave him alone, huh? you're right, i should. well, i am going to leave it alone. what's wrong with him, nothing...he's just not my husband. period.
there's another guy that i was previously involved with who ended up with a girlfriend and i was not happy with it, but i left him alone. we are still cool, and now he's moving. we have nice convo...but, there's something about him that makes me think we would be nice together...i don't think that he thinks that. it crosses my mind though. i might have to go visit him. he wants to be thought of as a one night stand right now. not a healthy thing for me to get involved with.
i just don't want the heartache i had before. is that too much to ask? i feel like i'm aware enough to avoid the mistakes i made before.
i have no idea what i'm doing, this sucks...either be alone and wait, or hang out and see what happens...i want to see what happens. i know i was making sense today, but they felt like dating is pointless unless you feel they are someone to possibly marry. HOW WILL I KNOW THAT...without going out on dates? being friends...can there be friendly dates? and why can't i just know that the next few men that come around won't be my husband? i know the current is not it, the next...probably not. and these men i'm dating...it could be a one time thing...OK OK, i had a one time thing with this young dude...and with someone else...they to me kinda count as men i dated...went on dates with...that about three...that's why i think that the next few won't be the one, because it could be a very brief encounter...feel me?
*sigh* tiring. i make sense...forget them...
i have a very self defeatist attitude about dating and the men who i am dating. technically, i'm not dating anyone, i've just hung out with the dude. but, my friends said that they don't want to date just to be dating. i'm thinking...why not... i mean, i'm not exclusive with anyone, so why not get to know someone. i'm not ready for marriage and i think that i need to be around some dudes and handle the situation better with them before i am ready to just be with someone. this current dude and the next few, i'm pretty sure won't be my man...definitely not husband material, not for me. i know, self defeating...but it's how i feel. the question arose...have you asked God about this? umm...no i haven't. so should i not go out with anyone? should i stay to myself until i see i guy i think would be husband material...how would i find that out? by being friends with the dude...i hang out with the same people and anyone else that i meet i will probably have to "date" in order to get to know them...i can't stay with the church crowd...it's slightly dysfunctional and it hinders my ability to meet men...i don't want anyone that i hang out with now. so, most likely any man i meet i will have to get to know in the context of hanging out with him without the pressure of getting to a relationship in order to know what he's about, which is what i feel i'm doing.
so...in the process of hanging out, going out on dates with these men...i am pretty sure i am going to go through a couple of them before i end up with "boo". i felt like my friends were pointing out the flaws in my ideas of dating as to say "you are going to get used up by dealing with these men and you will be in the same position you were in before" HOW am i supposed to get to boo, without going through the fools? now God can make anything happen. i can go without dating anyone and then when it's time, i meet and marry the next one i get involved with...very possible. i like to hang out, and i will hang out, i will not be all up under, or trying to make something with someone. i am just going to hang out. if it's something that should be something then it will come. my friend felt like i could be giving guys the wrong impression by hanging out with them and they will think it's going somewhere and i don't feel that way. well...things will not move that fast. we would have talked before then. sex won't happen, so i won't have that soul tie...
all i'm trying to say is that if a dude wants to get to know me, then let's get to know each other...no pressure, no expectations, just hanging out. if the chemistry and timing are there, then it will pop off...i am just doubtful that it will be in the next few situations i'm in.
the current one...he's older, previously married and while he's cool...i don't think he's who i need to marry...i just don't. my problem comes from when i KNOW that and i keep going. i guess since i think i know what it is, i should leave him alone, huh? you're right, i should. well, i am going to leave it alone. what's wrong with him, nothing...he's just not my husband. period.
there's another guy that i was previously involved with who ended up with a girlfriend and i was not happy with it, but i left him alone. we are still cool, and now he's moving. we have nice convo...but, there's something about him that makes me think we would be nice together...i don't think that he thinks that. it crosses my mind though. i might have to go visit him. he wants to be thought of as a one night stand right now. not a healthy thing for me to get involved with.
i just don't want the heartache i had before. is that too much to ask? i feel like i'm aware enough to avoid the mistakes i made before.
i have no idea what i'm doing, this sucks...either be alone and wait, or hang out and see what happens...i want to see what happens. i know i was making sense today, but they felt like dating is pointless unless you feel they are someone to possibly marry. HOW WILL I KNOW THAT...without going out on dates? being friends...can there be friendly dates? and why can't i just know that the next few men that come around won't be my husband? i know the current is not it, the next...probably not. and these men i'm dating...it could be a one time thing...OK OK, i had a one time thing with this young dude...and with someone else...they to me kinda count as men i dated...went on dates with...that about three...that's why i think that the next few won't be the one, because it could be a very brief encounter...feel me?
*sigh* tiring. i make sense...forget them...
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