AHA!!

i'm tired. my heart is tired again. someone said that they think it is stronger because of what i go through...okay i agree...but the getting stronger process hurts a bit. but i am definitely tired. i am glad that i have people to listen to me, encourage me, miss me... all that. my heart is hard again. i know it will soften up enough to let someone else in soon...but i have this urge in me to just write that off all together. i don't like feeling stupid, yet i put myself in situations where i am being very stupid. i need to prevent stuff instead of reacting to it. *sigh*...
i know, i know...i've been here for like a year now. I KNOW.

i'm having an "a-ha" moment... AHA!! i need to quit trippin and do what i need to do, not what i think will be okay, going for something and hoping it will be okay, but going for what is great, knowing that it will be okay. i know what's up, but something in me leads right into a pit....an emotional pit where there is no real way out, except to get hurt. that's crazy...insane! funny...in a sad way.

i feel better. pointing out my craziness feels good. i'm really smart...i just do stupid things.