I mean...

i know that things are never as bad as i think they are and the God will always come through, but last week sucked. i felt judged and like the world was coming to an end. i had to end some "friendships" and pray that this was me listening to God and not running away. i have cut ties with three men mr. guilt, tortured soul, and good on paper. all three of them were cool and they got to me. i let them. i chose to do the things i did with them because at the time, it felt like something i could handle and something that was far less risky than opening up to a real relationship. *sigh* needless to say, it did not work. i ended up hurt in a big way...and it sucked. so now i have cleaned house. i feel better, this was good. while i have the ability to be in touch with all three of these men, i have refrained. my friend said they won't take me seriously if i come in and out...she's right. so, i am alone...i am with myself. no distractions from the affections of some dude who has no clue how he's affecting me...or maybe they did know...bastards! anyways, it's just me now...no action. i am okay with that. kind of. i mean i have gone so long hiding from myself...(psychobabble may come at any moment) that i have not really gotten acquainted with who i am and what i want. well, i know what i want, i have not been secure in stating it, claiming it, and not settling for anything else. one of the dudes pointed some of my issues out. too bad he can't be in my life while i become the person i need to be. it's just not healthy...let him tell it. things should be fine...whatever...i digress. i am with myself. accepting the love that others give and not thinking that i am a source of entertainment, that people love me and want to be around me because they like me. that's it...nothing more. in my good moods and bad moods, they accept all of me. how lovely is that? i think it's great.

so, that's my personal issues...here are my work issue updates. one guy that i worked with has gone away...him being around made me feel judged and feeling like i can't do anything right. i'm sure he could careless, but there was an aura about him that made me feel weird. he's gone. the person i'm left with is okay. but i feel like i can do more...that what i am doing is okay... and that i am getting my job done...he REALLY does not care...he's handling his wife's insurance right now...and i'm talking to you. LOL!! i'm still a slacker...but now i'm a slacker who works if that makes sense. i hope to get a trip to dallas, i get to see my friend and maybe hit up a concert...i'm going to finnagle something, watch.

one day (i am writing a lot) i wrote down all the bad things that i saw about myself. the list was SO long...and it made me cry. then i tried to write the good things...and that was HARD. i thought of things but not nearly as many as the bad and i did not really feel that they were good or true...that's craziness. it made me cry a bit too. i still need to work on that. even now i am dwelling on the bad. the good seems very distant right now...maybe it's hormonal...seems like an everyday thing though...i went to counseling about these things. it just brought them all to the surface...it did not remove them...guess that's my job.

why is the tomato basil soup at la madeleine SO good?

why is it not time to go home yet? i thought i was killing a lot of time.

i guess i'll talk about my trip next time. i'm going to north carolina...never been before...i hope it's crunk...might get a job out there. i'm open to move.

peace