Some of these things don't really need to be seen or received though.
Sometimes, these are things that are keeping you from being focused: the whole reason for cleaning house in the first place.
Okay, what am I talking about? I am talking about actually entertaining the flirts of someone who I determined was wrong a long time ago. No, not any of the ones I have mentioned before; this one is someone who did not even make that cut. What I enjoy is the attention and the aggressiveness and that it is very funny...BUT, at some point I started to think: Hmm, maybe this could turn into something worth looking at...something that I should consider if the pieces fell right.
WHAT AM I THINKING??? I don't know. I feel like now that I have gotten rid of all the others, for real this time (side note: I have not been emotionally involved with anyone in a LONG time...for me that's like 7 months, I am proud of me) that I have all this room for someone real...or in this case, someone who is there.
What's wrong with him? Plenty. When I think of my ideal guy, the person that I feel God would place me with, it's not him at all. At all! I have tried to throw out the possiblilty of an us with my friends (mutual ones) to see what their reaction is. All of them are like "Yeah, right, him...whatever...he's a mess and not right" So, I am like cool. I receive that...I got that. BUT then I think...(thinking gets me in trouble)...maybe it could be...like that last to be suspected turns out to be the culprit. I'm reaching, I know. REACHING. So, I chatted with him the other night and tried to see where his head is. It's not in the right place where I would feel comfortable having a relationship with him. He's funny...hilarious even, I enjoyed our conversation. I guess that's it.
I had to get another test to get me focused...get my game face on. So I brought him up with my mother. She was like "OH NO, we do not like him! You need someone else. He has too much going on." She's right. Considering where I am going (trying to go in life) and where he is, they are not in the same direction. I can not get emotionally caught up when I JUST cleaned house of the ignorance I had before. That would be fatalistic and stupid. So, now that I have that clarification. I am good. Mom's know. I needed to hear it from her.
So it is what it is.
I am sure when it is right, I want have so many questions, not a lot of concerns and fears of being with the guy. It will be easy and it will flow. No confusion. I hope...
Just thought I would share. So now...the task will be to stop talking about him like I have a crush. Cause, that's all it is. A crush...no substance. I obsess over possibilities and I make them bigger than what they are I make them real. Even when they shouldn't be.
I'm crazy.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Two to Three Weeks
that's about how long a dude lasts in my life...i realize i have some fatalistic thinking about relationships...but that's just how things have happened...
now if you look at the history of my encounters with men there are several that have lasted longer that that. i mean these dudes have lasted for years...taking up space in my heart and making me feel like i am not going to ever get with someone who truly wants to be with me.
it's just that lately, i have had these run ins with men who are interested (one i was interested in) and they don't last long at all. don't feel bad, i am thankful that they don't last. i'd rather them be gone instead of hanging around taking up space...space that my boo should be in. i actual prayed for this to happen. it's just funny how it has come to pass.
one dude, was interested in me. we hung out and he seemed cool. not the one for me to be with is what i thought right off the bat. i just always feel that way...i decided that i was jumping the gun and i should give the guy a chance. my mom says i am too mean to men and she would hate for my brothers to deal with a woman like me...nice. anyways, he and i hang out and it's pretty cool. not a lot of communication but that's fine, because i am busy. well my birthday comes and he does not even call me let alone come to my birthday dinner. that is a NO NO to me. i don't hear from him until a week later and he asks me if i got some... SOME...some what??? needless to say we don't talk anymore. it might have had something to do with the fact that his homey and i might have had something to do with each other and he picked up on it...but what i had with ol' boy was long ago and oh so far away...anyways, we are on a hi and bye basis now...which is great with me
the last dude, i went after...i know i know...leave the men alone...but he is FINE...sorry. i just wanted to be wrapped up in his arms...his strong muscular arms...mmmmm, just tasty. well clearly he is not worried about me, because there has been no initiation of contact in his part...just me. i can take a hint...i'm not tripping about it. whenever i see him...i'll say hello. he might have another chick or two...i still want to hug on him...LOL!
this most recent dude...i hate to say it, but I ALREADY KNOW it won't last. one, he's a larger that what i would like to deal with. two, i'm not sure if we are compatible on our views of sex...i'm sure he wants it ans doesn't mind doing it...i would like to wait. three, i feel like he could really like me and i would have to break it to him that i am not interested. i'm not really interested...we can hang, but i don't want to be with him...so even though he knows about the 2-3 week time limit (he put a reminder in his phone) it does not make him immune to it. poor men.
my hope is that when the dude i really need to be with comes into my life i will know...like really KNOW...if it is so easy for me to know when a dude is not right, shouldn't i be able to know when he is right? that's the hope. it's not all about men...
i am involved with another entertainment group...at some point this needs to turn profitable for me. i want to be heavily involved with the groups, but i do have a real job...*sigh* i'm feeling like i need to take a step back and see what my purpose is...i thought i knew, or had some revelation on it...now...not so much. i need to think on this...pray on this...something.
that's about it...might have a poem or something soon.
now if you look at the history of my encounters with men there are several that have lasted longer that that. i mean these dudes have lasted for years...taking up space in my heart and making me feel like i am not going to ever get with someone who truly wants to be with me.
it's just that lately, i have had these run ins with men who are interested (one i was interested in) and they don't last long at all. don't feel bad, i am thankful that they don't last. i'd rather them be gone instead of hanging around taking up space...space that my boo should be in. i actual prayed for this to happen. it's just funny how it has come to pass.
one dude, was interested in me. we hung out and he seemed cool. not the one for me to be with is what i thought right off the bat. i just always feel that way...i decided that i was jumping the gun and i should give the guy a chance. my mom says i am too mean to men and she would hate for my brothers to deal with a woman like me...nice. anyways, he and i hang out and it's pretty cool. not a lot of communication but that's fine, because i am busy. well my birthday comes and he does not even call me let alone come to my birthday dinner. that is a NO NO to me. i don't hear from him until a week later and he asks me if i got some... SOME...some what??? needless to say we don't talk anymore. it might have had something to do with the fact that his homey and i might have had something to do with each other and he picked up on it...but what i had with ol' boy was long ago and oh so far away...anyways, we are on a hi and bye basis now...which is great with me
the last dude, i went after...i know i know...leave the men alone...but he is FINE...sorry. i just wanted to be wrapped up in his arms...his strong muscular arms...mmmmm, just tasty. well clearly he is not worried about me, because there has been no initiation of contact in his part...just me. i can take a hint...i'm not tripping about it. whenever i see him...i'll say hello. he might have another chick or two...i still want to hug on him...LOL!
this most recent dude...i hate to say it, but I ALREADY KNOW it won't last. one, he's a larger that what i would like to deal with. two, i'm not sure if we are compatible on our views of sex...i'm sure he wants it ans doesn't mind doing it...i would like to wait. three, i feel like he could really like me and i would have to break it to him that i am not interested. i'm not really interested...we can hang, but i don't want to be with him...so even though he knows about the 2-3 week time limit (he put a reminder in his phone) it does not make him immune to it. poor men.
my hope is that when the dude i really need to be with comes into my life i will know...like really KNOW...if it is so easy for me to know when a dude is not right, shouldn't i be able to know when he is right? that's the hope. it's not all about men...
i am involved with another entertainment group...at some point this needs to turn profitable for me. i want to be heavily involved with the groups, but i do have a real job...*sigh* i'm feeling like i need to take a step back and see what my purpose is...i thought i knew, or had some revelation on it...now...not so much. i need to think on this...pray on this...something.
that's about it...might have a poem or something soon.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
It's my birthday...
i'm growner today.
i am thankful for another year. a lot has happened in a year, and it's nice to know that you have people in your life who will take the time to be real with you. i have plenty of that.
God has been great, even though i have been feeling pretty distant from Him. like i just have not felt the urge to just be all for Him...i'm in a very superficial state right now. i'm truly thankful, but it's something i question (i know it's confusing) because i don't FEEL it. you know what i mean?
i had an encounter with someone who is cool, but i don't have any certainty with him...so it feels like i should just leave it alone...which i can do.
i have a job that i really like. i mean i really like what i do, and that i am appreciated and i feel like i can actually move up in the company, or at least make contacts to move up somewhere else. things are nice. i don't feel old...i did think..."it would be crazy if i woke up with gray hair and arthiritis all of a sudden...no gray...joints feel nice.
so tonight i am having a birthday thing. i am glad that my friend set it up and is really making sure that she contacts who i asked. nice. i had a grand vision of how i wanted it to go... 50 people at the restaurant enjoying themselves, laughing talking and eating. singing happy birthday and really feeling like they want to be there, because it's me...the main thing that will be different tonight from my fantasy is the number of people. it will be more like 15. ehh, i guess that's okay. better then none, right? oh, and i hoped for people from out of town to come...mainly my best friend and maybe my mom and some others...that would be HOT!
people think i'll be celebrating into the weekend...i don't know about that...i might...buy another pair of shoes or something...hang out with friends...chill and reflect on my life and how blessed i am.
i know that i am blessed. i wish my heart would feel open enough to really accept that. i think i might cry a lot if it opens up. i need to not be afraid to cry. i want to be open...i can do it!! i think...
well, i guess i should work now.
i am thankful for another year. a lot has happened in a year, and it's nice to know that you have people in your life who will take the time to be real with you. i have plenty of that.
God has been great, even though i have been feeling pretty distant from Him. like i just have not felt the urge to just be all for Him...i'm in a very superficial state right now. i'm truly thankful, but it's something i question (i know it's confusing) because i don't FEEL it. you know what i mean?
i had an encounter with someone who is cool, but i don't have any certainty with him...so it feels like i should just leave it alone...which i can do.
i have a job that i really like. i mean i really like what i do, and that i am appreciated and i feel like i can actually move up in the company, or at least make contacts to move up somewhere else. things are nice. i don't feel old...i did think..."it would be crazy if i woke up with gray hair and arthiritis all of a sudden...no gray...joints feel nice.
so tonight i am having a birthday thing. i am glad that my friend set it up and is really making sure that she contacts who i asked. nice. i had a grand vision of how i wanted it to go... 50 people at the restaurant enjoying themselves, laughing talking and eating. singing happy birthday and really feeling like they want to be there, because it's me...the main thing that will be different tonight from my fantasy is the number of people. it will be more like 15. ehh, i guess that's okay. better then none, right? oh, and i hoped for people from out of town to come...mainly my best friend and maybe my mom and some others...that would be HOT!
people think i'll be celebrating into the weekend...i don't know about that...i might...buy another pair of shoes or something...hang out with friends...chill and reflect on my life and how blessed i am.
i know that i am blessed. i wish my heart would feel open enough to really accept that. i think i might cry a lot if it opens up. i need to not be afraid to cry. i want to be open...i can do it!! i think...
well, i guess i should work now.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
This is what I read in DC...
When I wrote this, I was in a very upset place...frustrated and ready for something to just happen so I could let the situation go. It's gone, but the poem is still HOT!!:
Lie to Me
I sat before you stared in your eyes, those sexy sparkling eyes, begging you to lie to me.
Beautiful Love, lie to me.
Paint me a picture of a harsh reality that will explain the hurt I suffer.
The truth you claim to live and the truth I see don’t match. Something has to change.
Lie to me.
Tell me you love her.
That her smile is what keeps you warm when the world has turned its back on you.
She brings you heaven when you make love to her.
Everyone else is a strange place because she is home.
Beautiful Love, cut me with your lies.
Smile with your sexy sparkling eyes while I bleed out the truth of what we used to have,
when I was your only love.
Lie to me.
Take my hand and lead me to the place where you first told her you loved her.
Point at the impression your knee left in the ground as you promised your fidelity.
Make me stand in her place so I can feel the ghost of that moment possess me.
Let it distort my view and make me believe for a second that it was me that you were proposing to.
Then snatch me out of the happiness you two shared. Shake me back to reality and declare
“This will never be you.”
Beautiful Love, lie to me.
Snuff out the candle of hope that I burning for us.
I need you to degrade my emotions. Strip them of any dignity. Make a mockery of my love for you.
Tell me your heart will never recognize mine. Your skin will never melt under my touch.
I’m pleading with you. Just lie to me.
Beautiful Love
The truth is much worse than the lies.
The truth traps my heart, holds it captive and tortures it with possibility.
The truth drips reciprocation of my love on my heart like Chinese water torture.
It sinks the thoughts of other loves like chained slaves that were pushed overboard in the Atlantic.
That evil sadistic truth draws me to you like a gorgeous butterfly to a deadly fire.
The truth that you love me but can’t be with me does not soothe the pain.
I thought the truth was supposed to set me free. It was supposed to help me maintain my sanity.
Beautiful Love, your lies are the only thing that can save me.
Don’t even tell me you are doing this for my own good, because I’ll mistake that as you caring for me.
I can’t handle that.
Your sexy sparkling eyes must grow dull at the site of me.
Your skin must crawl when you are in close proximity to me.
I need to believe you loathe me.
Please.
Soon, I’ll being to believe those lies.
I’ll forget the day you told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to you.
The nights of intimacy we shared will seem like dreams of a time in my life that I hope will come, not one that has already passed.
My Beautiful Love, soon I’ll hate you…no…I’ll become indifferent to you.
Indifference is the true opposite of love.
You will become foreign to my heart.
Your touch will be cold to me.
Your smile will reflect nothing more than a smile, instead of the lifetime we shared in our kiss.
No longer will my hope for us be manipulated by your truth.
Your lies will make two plus two equal four again.
Beautiful Love, I need you to lie to me.
Release my heart and return my sanity.
Degrade my hope and cut down my love for you.
Lie to me Beautiful Love with those sexy sparkling eyes
And break my heart for good.
Lie to Me
I sat before you stared in your eyes, those sexy sparkling eyes, begging you to lie to me.
Beautiful Love, lie to me.
Paint me a picture of a harsh reality that will explain the hurt I suffer.
The truth you claim to live and the truth I see don’t match. Something has to change.
Lie to me.
Tell me you love her.
That her smile is what keeps you warm when the world has turned its back on you.
She brings you heaven when you make love to her.
Everyone else is a strange place because she is home.
Beautiful Love, cut me with your lies.
Smile with your sexy sparkling eyes while I bleed out the truth of what we used to have,
when I was your only love.
Lie to me.
Take my hand and lead me to the place where you first told her you loved her.
Point at the impression your knee left in the ground as you promised your fidelity.
Make me stand in her place so I can feel the ghost of that moment possess me.
Let it distort my view and make me believe for a second that it was me that you were proposing to.
Then snatch me out of the happiness you two shared. Shake me back to reality and declare
“This will never be you.”
Beautiful Love, lie to me.
Snuff out the candle of hope that I burning for us.
I need you to degrade my emotions. Strip them of any dignity. Make a mockery of my love for you.
Tell me your heart will never recognize mine. Your skin will never melt under my touch.
I’m pleading with you. Just lie to me.
Beautiful Love
The truth is much worse than the lies.
The truth traps my heart, holds it captive and tortures it with possibility.
The truth drips reciprocation of my love on my heart like Chinese water torture.
It sinks the thoughts of other loves like chained slaves that were pushed overboard in the Atlantic.
That evil sadistic truth draws me to you like a gorgeous butterfly to a deadly fire.
The truth that you love me but can’t be with me does not soothe the pain.
I thought the truth was supposed to set me free. It was supposed to help me maintain my sanity.
Beautiful Love, your lies are the only thing that can save me.
Don’t even tell me you are doing this for my own good, because I’ll mistake that as you caring for me.
I can’t handle that.
Your sexy sparkling eyes must grow dull at the site of me.
Your skin must crawl when you are in close proximity to me.
I need to believe you loathe me.
Please.
Soon, I’ll being to believe those lies.
I’ll forget the day you told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to you.
The nights of intimacy we shared will seem like dreams of a time in my life that I hope will come, not one that has already passed.
My Beautiful Love, soon I’ll hate you…no…I’ll become indifferent to you.
Indifference is the true opposite of love.
You will become foreign to my heart.
Your touch will be cold to me.
Your smile will reflect nothing more than a smile, instead of the lifetime we shared in our kiss.
No longer will my hope for us be manipulated by your truth.
Your lies will make two plus two equal four again.
Beautiful Love, I need you to lie to me.
Release my heart and return my sanity.
Degrade my hope and cut down my love for you.
Lie to me Beautiful Love with those sexy sparkling eyes
And break my heart for good.
So, you wanna try something new...
well, here's an update... i went to dc and had a blast. i hope to do it again next year. i did poetry there at busboys and poets, funtimes. i've had a couple of encounters with a dude who showed interest in me. he's cool, but i'm pretty sure he won't be my man. which leads me to what's on my mind...
i have a very self defeatist attitude about dating and the men who i am dating. technically, i'm not dating anyone, i've just hung out with the dude. but, my friends said that they don't want to date just to be dating. i'm thinking...why not... i mean, i'm not exclusive with anyone, so why not get to know someone. i'm not ready for marriage and i think that i need to be around some dudes and handle the situation better with them before i am ready to just be with someone. this current dude and the next few, i'm pretty sure won't be my man...definitely not husband material, not for me. i know, self defeating...but it's how i feel. the question arose...have you asked God about this? umm...no i haven't. so should i not go out with anyone? should i stay to myself until i see i guy i think would be husband material...how would i find that out? by being friends with the dude...i hang out with the same people and anyone else that i meet i will probably have to "date" in order to get to know them...i can't stay with the church crowd...it's slightly dysfunctional and it hinders my ability to meet men...i don't want anyone that i hang out with now. so, most likely any man i meet i will have to get to know in the context of hanging out with him without the pressure of getting to a relationship in order to know what he's about, which is what i feel i'm doing.
so...in the process of hanging out, going out on dates with these men...i am pretty sure i am going to go through a couple of them before i end up with "boo". i felt like my friends were pointing out the flaws in my ideas of dating as to say "you are going to get used up by dealing with these men and you will be in the same position you were in before" HOW am i supposed to get to boo, without going through the fools? now God can make anything happen. i can go without dating anyone and then when it's time, i meet and marry the next one i get involved with...very possible. i like to hang out, and i will hang out, i will not be all up under, or trying to make something with someone. i am just going to hang out. if it's something that should be something then it will come. my friend felt like i could be giving guys the wrong impression by hanging out with them and they will think it's going somewhere and i don't feel that way. well...things will not move that fast. we would have talked before then. sex won't happen, so i won't have that soul tie...
all i'm trying to say is that if a dude wants to get to know me, then let's get to know each other...no pressure, no expectations, just hanging out. if the chemistry and timing are there, then it will pop off...i am just doubtful that it will be in the next few situations i'm in.
the current one...he's older, previously married and while he's cool...i don't think he's who i need to marry...i just don't. my problem comes from when i KNOW that and i keep going. i guess since i think i know what it is, i should leave him alone, huh? you're right, i should. well, i am going to leave it alone. what's wrong with him, nothing...he's just not my husband. period.
there's another guy that i was previously involved with who ended up with a girlfriend and i was not happy with it, but i left him alone. we are still cool, and now he's moving. we have nice convo...but, there's something about him that makes me think we would be nice together...i don't think that he thinks that. it crosses my mind though. i might have to go visit him. he wants to be thought of as a one night stand right now. not a healthy thing for me to get involved with.
i just don't want the heartache i had before. is that too much to ask? i feel like i'm aware enough to avoid the mistakes i made before.
i have no idea what i'm doing, this sucks...either be alone and wait, or hang out and see what happens...i want to see what happens. i know i was making sense today, but they felt like dating is pointless unless you feel they are someone to possibly marry. HOW WILL I KNOW THAT...without going out on dates? being friends...can there be friendly dates? and why can't i just know that the next few men that come around won't be my husband? i know the current is not it, the next...probably not. and these men i'm dating...it could be a one time thing...OK OK, i had a one time thing with this young dude...and with someone else...they to me kinda count as men i dated...went on dates with...that about three...that's why i think that the next few won't be the one, because it could be a very brief encounter...feel me?
*sigh* tiring. i make sense...forget them...
i have a very self defeatist attitude about dating and the men who i am dating. technically, i'm not dating anyone, i've just hung out with the dude. but, my friends said that they don't want to date just to be dating. i'm thinking...why not... i mean, i'm not exclusive with anyone, so why not get to know someone. i'm not ready for marriage and i think that i need to be around some dudes and handle the situation better with them before i am ready to just be with someone. this current dude and the next few, i'm pretty sure won't be my man...definitely not husband material, not for me. i know, self defeating...but it's how i feel. the question arose...have you asked God about this? umm...no i haven't. so should i not go out with anyone? should i stay to myself until i see i guy i think would be husband material...how would i find that out? by being friends with the dude...i hang out with the same people and anyone else that i meet i will probably have to "date" in order to get to know them...i can't stay with the church crowd...it's slightly dysfunctional and it hinders my ability to meet men...i don't want anyone that i hang out with now. so, most likely any man i meet i will have to get to know in the context of hanging out with him without the pressure of getting to a relationship in order to know what he's about, which is what i feel i'm doing.
so...in the process of hanging out, going out on dates with these men...i am pretty sure i am going to go through a couple of them before i end up with "boo". i felt like my friends were pointing out the flaws in my ideas of dating as to say "you are going to get used up by dealing with these men and you will be in the same position you were in before" HOW am i supposed to get to boo, without going through the fools? now God can make anything happen. i can go without dating anyone and then when it's time, i meet and marry the next one i get involved with...very possible. i like to hang out, and i will hang out, i will not be all up under, or trying to make something with someone. i am just going to hang out. if it's something that should be something then it will come. my friend felt like i could be giving guys the wrong impression by hanging out with them and they will think it's going somewhere and i don't feel that way. well...things will not move that fast. we would have talked before then. sex won't happen, so i won't have that soul tie...
all i'm trying to say is that if a dude wants to get to know me, then let's get to know each other...no pressure, no expectations, just hanging out. if the chemistry and timing are there, then it will pop off...i am just doubtful that it will be in the next few situations i'm in.
the current one...he's older, previously married and while he's cool...i don't think he's who i need to marry...i just don't. my problem comes from when i KNOW that and i keep going. i guess since i think i know what it is, i should leave him alone, huh? you're right, i should. well, i am going to leave it alone. what's wrong with him, nothing...he's just not my husband. period.
there's another guy that i was previously involved with who ended up with a girlfriend and i was not happy with it, but i left him alone. we are still cool, and now he's moving. we have nice convo...but, there's something about him that makes me think we would be nice together...i don't think that he thinks that. it crosses my mind though. i might have to go visit him. he wants to be thought of as a one night stand right now. not a healthy thing for me to get involved with.
i just don't want the heartache i had before. is that too much to ask? i feel like i'm aware enough to avoid the mistakes i made before.
i have no idea what i'm doing, this sucks...either be alone and wait, or hang out and see what happens...i want to see what happens. i know i was making sense today, but they felt like dating is pointless unless you feel they are someone to possibly marry. HOW WILL I KNOW THAT...without going out on dates? being friends...can there be friendly dates? and why can't i just know that the next few men that come around won't be my husband? i know the current is not it, the next...probably not. and these men i'm dating...it could be a one time thing...OK OK, i had a one time thing with this young dude...and with someone else...they to me kinda count as men i dated...went on dates with...that about three...that's why i think that the next few won't be the one, because it could be a very brief encounter...feel me?
*sigh* tiring. i make sense...forget them...
Monday, June 18, 2007
AHA!!
i'm tired. my heart is tired again. someone said that they think it is stronger because of what i go through...okay i agree...but the getting stronger process hurts a bit. but i am definitely tired. i am glad that i have people to listen to me, encourage me, miss me... all that. my heart is hard again. i know it will soften up enough to let someone else in soon...but i have this urge in me to just write that off all together. i don't like feeling stupid, yet i put myself in situations where i am being very stupid. i need to prevent stuff instead of reacting to it. *sigh*...
i know, i know...i've been here for like a year now. I KNOW.
i'm having an "a-ha" moment... AHA!! i need to quit trippin and do what i need to do, not what i think will be okay, going for something and hoping it will be okay, but going for what is great, knowing that it will be okay. i know what's up, but something in me leads right into a pit....an emotional pit where there is no real way out, except to get hurt. that's crazy...insane! funny...in a sad way.
i feel better. pointing out my craziness feels good. i'm really smart...i just do stupid things.
i know, i know...i've been here for like a year now. I KNOW.
i'm having an "a-ha" moment... AHA!! i need to quit trippin and do what i need to do, not what i think will be okay, going for something and hoping it will be okay, but going for what is great, knowing that it will be okay. i know what's up, but something in me leads right into a pit....an emotional pit where there is no real way out, except to get hurt. that's crazy...insane! funny...in a sad way.
i feel better. pointing out my craziness feels good. i'm really smart...i just do stupid things.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
for love...
Can dreams happen concurrently with reality?
Can two hearts beat at the same time?
Can two bodies step out of time and live a whole lifetime in one kiss, one embrace, one knowing look?
Can truth become a dream, if dreams can come true?
I woke up with you on my mind.
I woke up and felt you holding me.
I woke up with you next to me.
I woke up in my dreams.
You give my soul massages when you tell me you love me.
You kiss my heart when you hold me.
You step into my presence and erase the time that has passed and will pass.
You exhale my happiness when I inhale your love.
We don’t talk, we paint a future with our conversations.
We don’t hear each other, we listen to our lives merging word by word.
We don’t hug each other, we protect a gift from God with our embrace.
We don’t smile at each other, we are shedding light on our love for others to see.
Tell me how to be closer to you.
Tell me you want our dreams and reality to be one in the same.
Tell me we can be two that make one.
Can two hearts beat at the same time?
Can two bodies step out of time and live a whole lifetime in one kiss, one embrace, one knowing look?
Can truth become a dream, if dreams can come true?
I woke up with you on my mind.
I woke up and felt you holding me.
I woke up with you next to me.
I woke up in my dreams.
You give my soul massages when you tell me you love me.
You kiss my heart when you hold me.
You step into my presence and erase the time that has passed and will pass.
You exhale my happiness when I inhale your love.
We don’t talk, we paint a future with our conversations.
We don’t hear each other, we listen to our lives merging word by word.
We don’t hug each other, we protect a gift from God with our embrace.
We don’t smile at each other, we are shedding light on our love for others to see.
Tell me how to be closer to you.
Tell me you want our dreams and reality to be one in the same.
Tell me we can be two that make one.
Tell me you want to be the reflection of my love for you.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
So, I got the job...and I have accepted some things...
i got the job!!! $8000 more than what i was making before! i am happy and this will be a great opportunity for me. i will be working with the united way and they are paying me what i wanted. not really the big amount that i wanted, but an amount that makes it worth it. i am excited. it will be hard work...not more chilling, but it will take me to higher levels in my career and i will be apart of something that is helping others. wonderful!!
i have accepted that this is my path. i am not supposed to make a ton of money right now. but i am making enough to do want i need to do and i am able to get a position that will put me in the position to pursue my other ventures...event planning community help or whatever. nice.
i have also accepted that i am being led by my heart right now. some things just have to be played out until their end and it's going to be really hard to go against that. the song "where is the love" come to mind this morning and it applies to my situation. *sigh* i know, i know...i should be done, but i'm not. i don't understand why, but this is what it is. however, things are changing for the better where i will not be right next to my temptation all the time like i am now. whew! so, will this decrease what my heart feels? hopefully. if not, then something has got to give...i can't keep on like this...it's not fair to me and who i need to be with. whoever that is.
with all of that... i still am not any closer to feeling like things are okay.
last night something happened...when i woke up it felt like a dream...like "did that really happen" i had on the same clothes and my call log confirmed that it was a real situation...why did it seem like a dream then? i'm so glad you asked. it's because i had not been in that situation in a while, i wanted to get caught up in it and maybe i told myself to not think of it as anything more than that moment....no promises of a future, no apologies for the past...just that moment. like everything that could have been and everything that is happened right then. a moment isolated from reality...but a real moment for two hearts...*sigh* whatever.
maybe that's a poem...i'm tired of writing about it...but it's my life...
this is what i am accepting.
i have accepted that this is my path. i am not supposed to make a ton of money right now. but i am making enough to do want i need to do and i am able to get a position that will put me in the position to pursue my other ventures...event planning community help or whatever. nice.
i have also accepted that i am being led by my heart right now. some things just have to be played out until their end and it's going to be really hard to go against that. the song "where is the love" come to mind this morning and it applies to my situation. *sigh* i know, i know...i should be done, but i'm not. i don't understand why, but this is what it is. however, things are changing for the better where i will not be right next to my temptation all the time like i am now. whew! so, will this decrease what my heart feels? hopefully. if not, then something has got to give...i can't keep on like this...it's not fair to me and who i need to be with. whoever that is.
with all of that... i still am not any closer to feeling like things are okay.
last night something happened...when i woke up it felt like a dream...like "did that really happen" i had on the same clothes and my call log confirmed that it was a real situation...why did it seem like a dream then? i'm so glad you asked. it's because i had not been in that situation in a while, i wanted to get caught up in it and maybe i told myself to not think of it as anything more than that moment....no promises of a future, no apologies for the past...just that moment. like everything that could have been and everything that is happened right then. a moment isolated from reality...but a real moment for two hearts...*sigh* whatever.
maybe that's a poem...i'm tired of writing about it...but it's my life...
this is what i am accepting.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
good things come...bad things do too
so, let's start with the good. i have a second interview tomorrow with a great non-profit. i am excited, however i know that God will give me what he wants me to have and i don't have to worry about things. i juse need to do my best and pray on it and leave the rest to him. my mom is crunk as if i got the job, but i haven't and until i sign an offer letter i am just interviewing to let them know i can do this job. i mean if i get it great if not, i will be on the grind again for something else. the way i see it. i have the job i want...God has already done that for me, because i prayed and asked in faith that he would. i just need to get to it. not worry about it. anyways, i am excited. i did not think i would have gotten a call back. i get so nervous, i'm hoping that this time, i'll be more calm and happy so they can see my bubbly personality. so, that's what i have going on. i have a retreat to go to this weekend and then to a fish fry and then to a poetry slam thing. i have not been to a poetry venue in a while. i need to hear some good words...i still need to write some. i wrote in my book over the weekend. nice. i need to finish it.
okay for the bad...it's not too bad...just not all that great. ts came around...in our conversation, i was able to deduce that he has been having sex...not a big shocker...but, who so you think he's sexin'? right...her... that made my heart stop. i think i stopped breathing after i concluded that. we were talking still, but i felt hot and bothered...and not in the good way. i think i was jealous and i wanted to ask questions, but i didn't to save myself the mental drama. it's okay for me to think it, but to have him confirm it or even worse...avoid answering the question, would kill me. WHY?? i don't know.
so where does that leave me...leaving him alone. again.
*sigh* sucks.
i hope my interview goes well and that i'm the one they want. i want to be wanted. if they don't want me...then i will be okay. that's the beauty if looking for jobs when you have one. i need to move on in my career. i want to take the right steps in it. it's not about the money so much as being in the right position to make moves... it's all about the moves. that and the fact that i just don't care about this job anymore...it shows in how i respond to stuff and the fact that i am writing in my blog while at work.
other than that...i'm good. which is a lovely thing for me. i'm not sad...that's HOT!!
okay for the bad...it's not too bad...just not all that great. ts came around...in our conversation, i was able to deduce that he has been having sex...not a big shocker...but, who so you think he's sexin'? right...her... that made my heart stop. i think i stopped breathing after i concluded that. we were talking still, but i felt hot and bothered...and not in the good way. i think i was jealous and i wanted to ask questions, but i didn't to save myself the mental drama. it's okay for me to think it, but to have him confirm it or even worse...avoid answering the question, would kill me. WHY?? i don't know.
so where does that leave me...leaving him alone. again.
*sigh* sucks.
i hope my interview goes well and that i'm the one they want. i want to be wanted. if they don't want me...then i will be okay. that's the beauty if looking for jobs when you have one. i need to move on in my career. i want to take the right steps in it. it's not about the money so much as being in the right position to make moves... it's all about the moves. that and the fact that i just don't care about this job anymore...it shows in how i respond to stuff and the fact that i am writing in my blog while at work.
other than that...i'm good. which is a lovely thing for me. i'm not sad...that's HOT!!
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Fire and Desire
so...i have considered playing with fire. i thought about pushing an emotional conversation with someone...then i considered pushing a sexual conversation with another. i need to quit while i'm ahead.
i also have desires...i want to have an event planning business. but what would that mean for me? ideally, i would like to work as an event planner. get paid right off the bat and do it for a crunk company. however, if i keep volunteering for things and telling people what i want to do, i am hoping that i will get some gigs that i can work on outside of a regular job, then that would lead to my own business. i need to research that, huh? *sigh* things are slowly unfolding...i don't want to rush, but i want to move when God says so. i'm torn. i will pray about it. maybe it's not meant that i do it in my own business...maybe i'm supposed to be that person that just does things and meets people and makes connections and still works a regular job...who knows. i keep thinking about all the potential i have to do great things...have a book, have a business, make investments, whatever...then i think that i need to take the safe route...wait...i don't want to be safe all the time...i told myself that 2007 was the year to grow a set of balls and man up. okay, okay...so i need to man up...
how do i do that?
i also have desires...i want to have an event planning business. but what would that mean for me? ideally, i would like to work as an event planner. get paid right off the bat and do it for a crunk company. however, if i keep volunteering for things and telling people what i want to do, i am hoping that i will get some gigs that i can work on outside of a regular job, then that would lead to my own business. i need to research that, huh? *sigh* things are slowly unfolding...i don't want to rush, but i want to move when God says so. i'm torn. i will pray about it. maybe it's not meant that i do it in my own business...maybe i'm supposed to be that person that just does things and meets people and makes connections and still works a regular job...who knows. i keep thinking about all the potential i have to do great things...have a book, have a business, make investments, whatever...then i think that i need to take the safe route...wait...i don't want to be safe all the time...i told myself that 2007 was the year to grow a set of balls and man up. okay, okay...so i need to man up...
how do i do that?
Monday, March 12, 2007
Okay, so I'm transparent...Whatever...
i think that i hide things well. i don't really. i need to be aware of that. it's hard to know how my actions will affect everyone if i react so fast that i don't even know what i did. over the last week or so i have be pretty much a recluse. i realize that it's close to that time of the month...fine, but i really think that i have suffered a burn out. i was supposed to try and use my no muscle and that is going okay. i have not been asked to do anything else lately. nice. okay, wait let me make this an organized entry.
first, i'm feeling like i don't have anything to do at work, but i could be doing more if i were working on my own things, like looking for a job, planning events, and running errands. i need to go on another trip, break up the monotony. something.
second, i think i'm a little lonely. i want to have a guy to practice my moves on...and by moves i mean taking things slow, being upfront and making sure that he wants to have something more with me. i don't want to give so much of myself just to have him leave me (see previous blogs about how that is the story of my life). i can wait on having a man, but it would be nice to get it.
third, i have been pretty rude to people. maybe it's because of that time or it's because i have stuff on my mind and i can't handle being asked to do stuff all the time. i don't know. maybe i was a little jealous of some people and with others i was just rude because my mind was elsewhere. i have no clue.
fourth, i need to do some stuff. i have a few things i am workng on, but it seems like i need to do more. or maybe there's just some lag time right now because it's too early to plan everything. with the open mic group, i need to do things, but i have to meet with the group first. with the thing at the pastor's house. i can wait a bit, it's not until mid april. with the volunteer group, i have a meeting next week. and what i do for them is not too time consuming. i still need to job hunt. at least i'm getting a few calls about my resume.
fifth, i need more money. cool things though. i had two tens and i spent one over the weekend. when i went to use my other ten for some oranges (new craving), i saw that i had two tens still. that was clearly GOD because i can't recall how, when or what. i just saw it there. i hope no one is in trouble over it. i need to give a dollar to someone. like a tithing. i can do that.
sixth, i don't know. just feeling weird lately. tired, sad...i don't know... broke...maybe it's monday
so, no real action. no men. no ignorance...just thinking. a lot of thinking. i need to write something...do something.
first, i'm feeling like i don't have anything to do at work, but i could be doing more if i were working on my own things, like looking for a job, planning events, and running errands. i need to go on another trip, break up the monotony. something.
second, i think i'm a little lonely. i want to have a guy to practice my moves on...and by moves i mean taking things slow, being upfront and making sure that he wants to have something more with me. i don't want to give so much of myself just to have him leave me (see previous blogs about how that is the story of my life). i can wait on having a man, but it would be nice to get it.
third, i have been pretty rude to people. maybe it's because of that time or it's because i have stuff on my mind and i can't handle being asked to do stuff all the time. i don't know. maybe i was a little jealous of some people and with others i was just rude because my mind was elsewhere. i have no clue.
fourth, i need to do some stuff. i have a few things i am workng on, but it seems like i need to do more. or maybe there's just some lag time right now because it's too early to plan everything. with the open mic group, i need to do things, but i have to meet with the group first. with the thing at the pastor's house. i can wait a bit, it's not until mid april. with the volunteer group, i have a meeting next week. and what i do for them is not too time consuming. i still need to job hunt. at least i'm getting a few calls about my resume.
fifth, i need more money. cool things though. i had two tens and i spent one over the weekend. when i went to use my other ten for some oranges (new craving), i saw that i had two tens still. that was clearly GOD because i can't recall how, when or what. i just saw it there. i hope no one is in trouble over it. i need to give a dollar to someone. like a tithing. i can do that.
sixth, i don't know. just feeling weird lately. tired, sad...i don't know... broke...maybe it's monday
so, no real action. no men. no ignorance...just thinking. a lot of thinking. i need to write something...do something.
Friday, March 02, 2007
I would be tired of myself too...
so, guess who conjured up her ex? yep, me. i had a dream about him and it was something so nice and sweet and took me back to the days when i loved hard and he loved me hard in return. *sigh* i had a feeling that since i had a strong dream about him he might call. i mean it's been 5 years and to this day if i think of him too hard...he'll call, it has yet to fail...what does that mean? i don't feel anything for him. he's crazy and we are just not meant to be...ever. so why does he call at these times...maybe because he was my first and he loved me like no other chick, we have an eternal connection. who knows...it's crazy...
so...back to t.s. umm, i mean i have not been in touch with him...i have been good. then i saw him...i went to where he stood, i was friendly and it felt okay. i was captivated and even though there was someone else around...all i remember is seeing him...*sigh* sickening i know. but i figured it was okay to speak and not be rude and i could carry on. well, the next day, he approaches me...he's happy like for the first time he's really and truly happy. i am happy for him as well. we smile and hug and i am so happy that he looks happy...my cheeks hurt from all the cheesin' i did. things are obviously not done...but my hope is that things will be better...not to be with him. but to be in his life and have him in my life in a healthy way...who's to say he even feels the way he did...who's to say i could feel the way i felt before, again. i still feel...but there's also a lot of resentment and uncertainty. my goal in dating now...is to see if i can marry someone. we can hang and if we feel it could work great, if not, then we would not have gotten so far into each other that it's complicated.
that's the hope, we'll see...
i am going to a formal event tomorrow, nice! i get to be pretty and dress up and be fly...like prom but way better than that....
OH MY GOODNESS!! I HAVE BEEN OUT OF SCHOOL FOR TEN YEARS!!
i feel so old.
tonight is the open mic i work with...i hope it goes well tonight...i am tired and i have a problem saying no to people...i will need to work on that.... next posting i'll give you the progress on that.
so...back to t.s. umm, i mean i have not been in touch with him...i have been good. then i saw him...i went to where he stood, i was friendly and it felt okay. i was captivated and even though there was someone else around...all i remember is seeing him...*sigh* sickening i know. but i figured it was okay to speak and not be rude and i could carry on. well, the next day, he approaches me...he's happy like for the first time he's really and truly happy. i am happy for him as well. we smile and hug and i am so happy that he looks happy...my cheeks hurt from all the cheesin' i did. things are obviously not done...but my hope is that things will be better...not to be with him. but to be in his life and have him in my life in a healthy way...who's to say he even feels the way he did...who's to say i could feel the way i felt before, again. i still feel...but there's also a lot of resentment and uncertainty. my goal in dating now...is to see if i can marry someone. we can hang and if we feel it could work great, if not, then we would not have gotten so far into each other that it's complicated.
that's the hope, we'll see...
i am going to a formal event tomorrow, nice! i get to be pretty and dress up and be fly...like prom but way better than that....
OH MY GOODNESS!! I HAVE BEEN OUT OF SCHOOL FOR TEN YEARS!!
i feel so old.
tonight is the open mic i work with...i hope it goes well tonight...i am tired and i have a problem saying no to people...i will need to work on that.... next posting i'll give you the progress on that.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Love Day...the aftermath...
well another love day has come and gone. there were times where i wish i had someone and there were times when i was happy that i was loved period. thigns could have been worse...could have been better...this is my life and i am okay with what happened. i went out and kicked it last night. i had a blast, danced and flirted and just chilled with the girls...this friday is going to be CRUNK!! i can't wait.
i have an interview tomorrow. i am thrilled and nervous. i will do my best. if it is for me then i will have the job. God has already claimed my treasures for me. i believe in that and i will not think otherwise. when it comes, it will be so right and so perfect...well i may not recognize it as perfect, but it wil be mine the way God wants it. nice.
*sigh* i'm trying...i am really trying to not think about tortured soul...i meani have done well with not talking to him and seeing him and all that jazz. my life is complete and fun without it. there is guilt that i dipped out on him. he needed me...so he said. i think that when push comes to shove he knows i'm there. part of me wants to know how he feels about me. do you still care? do you still want me in your life? have you realized that we don't need to be in each other's lives? i don't know. i know that he needs more than what i can give. and i need more than what he can give. i just couldn't go on. the being upset, the pretending that i was fine...doesn't work. he can't give me what i thought i wanted from him. it killed me to see him with another. hurt me to know and hear all that he feels, and not have a chance to ever act on it. sucks...made me feel he was a liar, made me angry made me feel stupid. then...i see him...the back of him...he walked slow and sad. my heart ached for him. wanted to hug him wanted to look in his eyes and have him tell me what was wrong...knowing i would be drawn in. i did not approach him. he did not even know i could see him. my heart ached...what the hell is wrong with me? *sigh* to satisfy my heart i sent an email. i asked him how he was doing. he was not doing well. i asked if he found someone to talk to. he did. i told him he needed a hug or 12. he said "thanks, but no thanks" crushed! *sigh* so i feel rejected, disheartened and dumb for even asking. i thought it would have been okay. it was, until i pushed it with a suggestion of contact. maybe he feels that it's best that we don't ever talk. ever communicate again. he was happy once. he said that i did that. now, i am not a source of happiness for him. he can't be a source of happiness for me. we are just a he and i...not an us, or we. not together. our paths in life are no longer crossed. they are separating. i chose this. my choice was to free myself. i am ignorant to believe that i am free. not now. not yet.
this is not to say that i will try and start something up with him and renege on what i said. i can't be his friend now. i just can't. my stupid heart feels otherwise. other wise...other than wise. my heart feels what is other than wise. my mind knows better. i had thought it through, looked at the evidence...things were not working. *sigh* maybe i wanted him to hug me, but i made it seem like it was something he should need. maybe i wanted him to hold me, be strong for me. someone will be strong for me one day. i'm getting weary.
anyways, on to more fun stuff.
belgium boy and i have been in touch with each other more. fun times. he's pretty cool and he made my phone bill sky high. it was worth it. i enjoy good conversation.
i went to a dinner party where the men cooked and served and cleaned while the women sat around and discussed politics and drinking wine. fun times. i loved it. had a chance to flirt and everything. kind of thought something might have come from my flirtations. but...it didn't...oh well.
i am going to houston next week. i like to travel a bit now. my mom's birthday is next week. i'm glad i get to be there for that...for free!
i am taking some meds that help my mood. i'd like to think they are working. even though i was disturbed by tortured soul today, i have felt pretty good about things. not so "end of the world" i'm more easy about things.
i love cereal, it's my new craving
i'm pretty much doing well...
that's all i have.
peace
i have an interview tomorrow. i am thrilled and nervous. i will do my best. if it is for me then i will have the job. God has already claimed my treasures for me. i believe in that and i will not think otherwise. when it comes, it will be so right and so perfect...well i may not recognize it as perfect, but it wil be mine the way God wants it. nice.
*sigh* i'm trying...i am really trying to not think about tortured soul...i meani have done well with not talking to him and seeing him and all that jazz. my life is complete and fun without it. there is guilt that i dipped out on him. he needed me...so he said. i think that when push comes to shove he knows i'm there. part of me wants to know how he feels about me. do you still care? do you still want me in your life? have you realized that we don't need to be in each other's lives? i don't know. i know that he needs more than what i can give. and i need more than what he can give. i just couldn't go on. the being upset, the pretending that i was fine...doesn't work. he can't give me what i thought i wanted from him. it killed me to see him with another. hurt me to know and hear all that he feels, and not have a chance to ever act on it. sucks...made me feel he was a liar, made me angry made me feel stupid. then...i see him...the back of him...he walked slow and sad. my heart ached for him. wanted to hug him wanted to look in his eyes and have him tell me what was wrong...knowing i would be drawn in. i did not approach him. he did not even know i could see him. my heart ached...what the hell is wrong with me? *sigh* to satisfy my heart i sent an email. i asked him how he was doing. he was not doing well. i asked if he found someone to talk to. he did. i told him he needed a hug or 12. he said "thanks, but no thanks" crushed! *sigh* so i feel rejected, disheartened and dumb for even asking. i thought it would have been okay. it was, until i pushed it with a suggestion of contact. maybe he feels that it's best that we don't ever talk. ever communicate again. he was happy once. he said that i did that. now, i am not a source of happiness for him. he can't be a source of happiness for me. we are just a he and i...not an us, or we. not together. our paths in life are no longer crossed. they are separating. i chose this. my choice was to free myself. i am ignorant to believe that i am free. not now. not yet.
this is not to say that i will try and start something up with him and renege on what i said. i can't be his friend now. i just can't. my stupid heart feels otherwise. other wise...other than wise. my heart feels what is other than wise. my mind knows better. i had thought it through, looked at the evidence...things were not working. *sigh* maybe i wanted him to hug me, but i made it seem like it was something he should need. maybe i wanted him to hold me, be strong for me. someone will be strong for me one day. i'm getting weary.
anyways, on to more fun stuff.
belgium boy and i have been in touch with each other more. fun times. he's pretty cool and he made my phone bill sky high. it was worth it. i enjoy good conversation.
i went to a dinner party where the men cooked and served and cleaned while the women sat around and discussed politics and drinking wine. fun times. i loved it. had a chance to flirt and everything. kind of thought something might have come from my flirtations. but...it didn't...oh well.
i am going to houston next week. i like to travel a bit now. my mom's birthday is next week. i'm glad i get to be there for that...for free!
i am taking some meds that help my mood. i'd like to think they are working. even though i was disturbed by tortured soul today, i have felt pretty good about things. not so "end of the world" i'm more easy about things.
i love cereal, it's my new craving
i'm pretty much doing well...
that's all i have.
peace
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Odessa...not hot...
i am on a conference call for the group i work with. we have big things planned for april, i am excited. we also have drama...of course. i hope it works out. i am in the hampton inn, i like this hotel. the bed is so comfy and i slept really good. i need a new bed. odessa is not the place to be. west texas, this part, is very hilly and dry looking. the fog was scary, but when it cleared i saw a beautiful scenery that i took pics of. very nice, peaceful. tomorrow is my last day to drive around and sightsee. i am ready to go home, but i enjoy the time away from the office and my nasty ass co-worker. *sigh*
i don't have much to write about. just some thoughts:
i need to get over tortured soul. i know what it feels like to get over someone. i have done that with the teddy bear. it feels good to be done. to be able to talk to him and not feel like i want him and not feel jealous about him and his chick. i need to do that with tortured soul. it will come.
i have some female issues that i might need a surgery for. sucks. i think about it sometimes.
i read my diaries. i am crazy and i think about men WAY to much. i tried to have my last diary be about me more. i tried, then the men came. i read that one and i see that i have gone through some stuff and that is the majority of my diary, i'm glad.
poetry might have been a phase for me. sometimes i feel like i have something to say, then other times i feel it's best to just keep it to myself. i might write something. or finish something. performing it...not so much.
i am tired.
american idol tryouts are funny.
i need to get something better to write on here.
next time.
peace
i don't have much to write about. just some thoughts:
i need to get over tortured soul. i know what it feels like to get over someone. i have done that with the teddy bear. it feels good to be done. to be able to talk to him and not feel like i want him and not feel jealous about him and his chick. i need to do that with tortured soul. it will come.
i have some female issues that i might need a surgery for. sucks. i think about it sometimes.
i read my diaries. i am crazy and i think about men WAY to much. i tried to have my last diary be about me more. i tried, then the men came. i read that one and i see that i have gone through some stuff and that is the majority of my diary, i'm glad.
poetry might have been a phase for me. sometimes i feel like i have something to say, then other times i feel it's best to just keep it to myself. i might write something. or finish something. performing it...not so much.
i am tired.
american idol tryouts are funny.
i need to get something better to write on here.
next time.
peace
Monday, January 15, 2007
Since I am the only one at work
Well, I am at work. *sigh* Kind of sucks...I have a dream: that I still be in bed dreaming. Well, at least my nasty co-worker is not here. It makes the day better. Did I tell you what he did? Well, one day we were talking about work, and he was talking to me and scraping the dirt from his nails...cleaning them...which is fine. In the midst of his speaking with me he, in one movement, scraped the dirt out and ate it....UGH!! He ate it...in front of me. It's dirt. White nasty germy dirt!! Now I know that I can be a little nasty too. I won't disclose my habits here...I know that I am prone to bite a nails and spit it out, even clean my nails...but I will not eat that dirt. UGH!! I almost threw up. THEN, it get s better...we have lunch with our manager (she's cool) and we enjoy an appetizer of queso, guacamole and salsa...yummy...when the chips come out I immediately get some and put them on a plate away from my nasty ass co-worker. He asks "hey why do you have your own plate of chips?" I say "because I want them close to me." Not that it's any of his business why I do stuff. He says "oh I thought you thought I had cooties or something." In my mind I am screaming "HELL YES, YOU DO!! Nasty Ass!!" I reply with a short "No, it's not that at all." UGH!! While we eat he makes jokes with the waitress, some a little inappropriate. I take that back, his borderline racist comments at work are inappropriate. The comments he made to the waitress were just annoying. **side note, one of the waitresses had the hairiest arms I'd ever seen on a woman** He dominates the conversation with his antics and I am in a lunch hell. Then he makes it even worse. You know how crumbs and drops of sauce fall onto the table? Well they should stay there...Oh no...that's not the case with Co-Worker...he picks up the crumbs and scoops up the sauce droppings off the table with his grubby nasty, open wound, sausage like fingers...while talking to Manager. UGH!! I was like "is he serious? someone married him? oh my God!!" Needless to say I have not ever wanted to eat around him again.
Ha! Joke on me. Manager invites us over for dinner. Nice gesture, wrong company. At least I would finally get to see who married this man. I met her, she's sweet and nice and a regular woman...I was confused. Anyways, anyone could see that I could not handle being around Co-Worker any more than I had to. I know I was short with him and I avoided him. I just can't be around him outside of work. I was punished enough during the time I spend at work. It's like he is always trying to correct me. The thing is...if I have done something wrong I might not care or I actually did it right and I don't need you nit-picking.
As you can see I don't like him too much. Believe it or not, I would rather work with his racist, nasty inappropriate ass than the other guy. The other might have pissed me off because I don't like his "higher and more important than thou" attitude. I might be projecting or overreacting...it's how I feel. Now you know.
Hmm, what else?
Well, I hope to be out of town next week. That will be nice. I have to work on my extracurricular things. I don't want to mention them here. I bought a planner. I still have trouble sleeping. I ate so good this weekend. I need to be easy on the food.
Oh! Funny thing. I went to the store to get milk...of course I could not get just one thing. I saw that edamame (soybeans) were on sale for 48 cents WOW!! So I got 5 bags...plus the milk...no basket...problem. I proceed to walk on...not towards the check out like I need to, I decide I should get some granola bars. I stand in front of the granola bars section. Hands full, mind contemplating...what to do. The frozen bags of beans are slippery and the milk is getting heavy. I must get granola bars, though. Just then, when I feel that everything will come undone and fall to the floor, a man comes down the aisle with a hand basket. He says "Here, take this, I'll get another one." Saved. Whew! I knew it was God. God was clearly laughing at me, then he helped me out. I laughed at myself too.
So here I am at work...the only one. I hope to go home early. mmmm, home....
Later!
Ha! Joke on me. Manager invites us over for dinner. Nice gesture, wrong company. At least I would finally get to see who married this man. I met her, she's sweet and nice and a regular woman...I was confused. Anyways, anyone could see that I could not handle being around Co-Worker any more than I had to. I know I was short with him and I avoided him. I just can't be around him outside of work. I was punished enough during the time I spend at work. It's like he is always trying to correct me. The thing is...if I have done something wrong I might not care or I actually did it right and I don't need you nit-picking.
As you can see I don't like him too much. Believe it or not, I would rather work with his racist, nasty inappropriate ass than the other guy. The other might have pissed me off because I don't like his "higher and more important than thou" attitude. I might be projecting or overreacting...it's how I feel. Now you know.
Hmm, what else?
Well, I hope to be out of town next week. That will be nice. I have to work on my extracurricular things. I don't want to mention them here. I bought a planner. I still have trouble sleeping. I ate so good this weekend. I need to be easy on the food.
Oh! Funny thing. I went to the store to get milk...of course I could not get just one thing. I saw that edamame (soybeans) were on sale for 48 cents WOW!! So I got 5 bags...plus the milk...no basket...problem. I proceed to walk on...not towards the check out like I need to, I decide I should get some granola bars. I stand in front of the granola bars section. Hands full, mind contemplating...what to do. The frozen bags of beans are slippery and the milk is getting heavy. I must get granola bars, though. Just then, when I feel that everything will come undone and fall to the floor, a man comes down the aisle with a hand basket. He says "Here, take this, I'll get another one." Saved. Whew! I knew it was God. God was clearly laughing at me, then he helped me out. I laughed at myself too.
So here I am at work...the only one. I hope to go home early. mmmm, home....
Later!
Thursday, January 11, 2007
It's 11 days into 2007 and I am already being tested...
So...
I am going to need for those who I left in 2006 and prior years to stay there. I mean I can see how someone would take me not talking to them personally. It is personally better for me to not speak with them. The way I see it, if we were really supposed to be friends, I could not be without you. It would feel good to have you in my life. I would want to resolve issues to make sure we had a good relationship. BUT, if I do not feel that way...leave me alone. It's okay to not be in touch with someone. It's okay to not speak. I know you are there...I have nothing to say to you.
*sigh*
I feel completely lied to and deceived by Tortured Soul. I mean I don't get him. He told me so much and I wanted to believe it...all lies. I have to tell myself that. Holding on to a possibility that he was sincere would drive me crazy. I have to believe that he was false. I need people to be clear and act like what they say. I tell people upfront: I don't rememeber everything I say, I contradict myself, I run from conflict, I will do things that hurt you, I do not intend to hurt you, I will forget stuff, I wil piss you off. That way when I am good, it's great and when I'm bad, it's expected. Nice. If you say you love me...act like it. If you want to be with me...do something to get to me. If you don't, how am I supposed to believe that that is what you want? I won't.
Another, Preacher Man, tried to contact me yesterday. He said I crossed his mind. I text him back. I said: Why? I mean really, why am I crossing your mind? You are married, you left me to marry someone else...you are a pastor of a church. I don't need to ever be on your mind. And if I am , you don't need to contact me to see how I am doing. All you will get is that I am fine. All you need to know is that I am fine. Why would I divulge anymore than that to you? We are not friends. I was a friend to you and you betrayed that...so, you are not privileged to my life anymore. He had the nerve to tell me: You are very short with me, I guess it's understandable though...Well YES!! Hell yes, I am short with you. What do we have to talk about? I can't be there for you. You lost the privilege of my counsel. Something you once loved and valued, you spit on and left because "it just felt right" to leave. So be where you are, thank you.
*sigh*
Another is annoying me...He wants to know if I hate him. No, I am don't care about you at all...how about that? So what we don't talk...so what I don't respond to your messages...what do we have to talk about? If I repsond to one message, that leads to you thinking I will always respond. That leads to you thinking that all is well and it's not. It just isn't. You can't make it better. So leave it alone. I can be cordial, that does not mean kool-aiding with you. It means, I don't frown when I see you. It means I stay in the same room when you are there. It does not mean that I have to speak. It jsut doesn't. Quit whining!! "Do you hate me or something?" What kind of question is that? "I understand you don't want to be my friend..." Do you? Obviously, you don't or you would not try and talk to me.
*sigh*
So, I had to vent a bit. Very frustrating. This is 2007, I will be fine. I will be better. I'm clearly being tested. I have other things to worry about than other people's feelings. Wait...that sounded rude. There are certain people's feelings I no longer consider important enough to change how I respond to them. That's better.
I used to really care about Tortured Soul. Two years of mess, heartache, pain, waiting, being a fool. No more. Now I don't care. He can jump off a bridge right now. I can't do it anymore. I really cared, wanted to be there and he spit on it. All over it. The thing is, is that he does not see it that way. He thinks I am dissing him. HA!! Whatever!!! I want more from him and he can't/won't do it...so he gets put to the side. He gets put out of my life.
*sigh*
I'm upset. Like I'm really hot right now.
I have other things going on. My health is a concern. My job and finances are a concern. My life is the most important thing right now. Not egos of buttheads.
Maybe later on I will be more open to communication. I would hate to think that I can't ever be civil. It's just so hard when you feel betrayed. The song Resentment definitely applies here. I'm full of it. That's why I had to leave them alone. All of them. Why can't they respect that?
Why?
*sigh*
ICTT!!
I am going to need for those who I left in 2006 and prior years to stay there. I mean I can see how someone would take me not talking to them personally. It is personally better for me to not speak with them. The way I see it, if we were really supposed to be friends, I could not be without you. It would feel good to have you in my life. I would want to resolve issues to make sure we had a good relationship. BUT, if I do not feel that way...leave me alone. It's okay to not be in touch with someone. It's okay to not speak. I know you are there...I have nothing to say to you.
*sigh*
I feel completely lied to and deceived by Tortured Soul. I mean I don't get him. He told me so much and I wanted to believe it...all lies. I have to tell myself that. Holding on to a possibility that he was sincere would drive me crazy. I have to believe that he was false. I need people to be clear and act like what they say. I tell people upfront: I don't rememeber everything I say, I contradict myself, I run from conflict, I will do things that hurt you, I do not intend to hurt you, I will forget stuff, I wil piss you off. That way when I am good, it's great and when I'm bad, it's expected. Nice. If you say you love me...act like it. If you want to be with me...do something to get to me. If you don't, how am I supposed to believe that that is what you want? I won't.
Another, Preacher Man, tried to contact me yesterday. He said I crossed his mind. I text him back. I said: Why? I mean really, why am I crossing your mind? You are married, you left me to marry someone else...you are a pastor of a church. I don't need to ever be on your mind. And if I am , you don't need to contact me to see how I am doing. All you will get is that I am fine. All you need to know is that I am fine. Why would I divulge anymore than that to you? We are not friends. I was a friend to you and you betrayed that...so, you are not privileged to my life anymore. He had the nerve to tell me: You are very short with me, I guess it's understandable though...Well YES!! Hell yes, I am short with you. What do we have to talk about? I can't be there for you. You lost the privilege of my counsel. Something you once loved and valued, you spit on and left because "it just felt right" to leave. So be where you are, thank you.
*sigh*
Another is annoying me...He wants to know if I hate him. No, I am don't care about you at all...how about that? So what we don't talk...so what I don't respond to your messages...what do we have to talk about? If I repsond to one message, that leads to you thinking I will always respond. That leads to you thinking that all is well and it's not. It just isn't. You can't make it better. So leave it alone. I can be cordial, that does not mean kool-aiding with you. It means, I don't frown when I see you. It means I stay in the same room when you are there. It does not mean that I have to speak. It jsut doesn't. Quit whining!! "Do you hate me or something?" What kind of question is that? "I understand you don't want to be my friend..." Do you? Obviously, you don't or you would not try and talk to me.
*sigh*
So, I had to vent a bit. Very frustrating. This is 2007, I will be fine. I will be better. I'm clearly being tested. I have other things to worry about than other people's feelings. Wait...that sounded rude. There are certain people's feelings I no longer consider important enough to change how I respond to them. That's better.
I used to really care about Tortured Soul. Two years of mess, heartache, pain, waiting, being a fool. No more. Now I don't care. He can jump off a bridge right now. I can't do it anymore. I really cared, wanted to be there and he spit on it. All over it. The thing is, is that he does not see it that way. He thinks I am dissing him. HA!! Whatever!!! I want more from him and he can't/won't do it...so he gets put to the side. He gets put out of my life.
*sigh*
I'm upset. Like I'm really hot right now.
I have other things going on. My health is a concern. My job and finances are a concern. My life is the most important thing right now. Not egos of buttheads.
Maybe later on I will be more open to communication. I would hate to think that I can't ever be civil. It's just so hard when you feel betrayed. The song Resentment definitely applies here. I'm full of it. That's why I had to leave them alone. All of them. Why can't they respect that?
Why?
*sigh*
ICTT!!
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