going through...

i have been going through it.
i have been trying to become a better less segmented person.
i have been seeing myself from the outside in.

i base how i feel about myself on what other people think...i know this to be a wrong way to see myself, but until this year and some counseling, i really had no clue i was doing this. i jus thought i was depressed because i did not have a better paying job or because i did not have a successful relationship or whatever. i have believed a lot of lies about myself and how i should see myself. anyways, there are many parts to me, that i have not accpeted as really me. like people are used to seeing a nice me, a kind funny, entertaining me...they don't get the sad, down, wants to be alone me. they are not used to the indifferent me. and this is not because of that time of the month or anything, these are just regular parts of me that are shown as much. so when they come out it seems like i am not myself. and i think that it's not really me. so i feel like i am not myself and i want to be what others expect. now that i am writing this and i have been talking about this, it seems ridiculous. silly, crazy. i have recently accepted that i am all the things that i show, the good the bad and the ugly...

i know that i need to see myself from the inside out. i need to see the christ that is in me and then tell myself positive affirmations and really believe them, then i need to accept that when people see good in me, that it's true, and when they see that i am not my usual happy self...that i am still good...not a different person, not unlike myself, but the same person. i have been fooling myself for so long, so many failed relationships, and a lot of time wasted feeling worthless and not deserving of good things, and always feeling anxious and on the verge of losing things. not being in control. i don't know why i think i need to hold everything together, but i'm tired of doing that now.

i'm going through it now...i'm going to go through it.