My heart hurts

I have let meself get caught up again. Not because I thought I could handle it and be okay with things, I knew that would not be the case. I got caught up, so that things would die. So that I can say, "look you did try" I have expressed myself, not to get what I want out of the situation, but to get something out of putting myself out there. Now it's known, how I feel is known. I am understood and that's new...I usually act like I don't care. I do care, a lot. It sucks, and it hurts and it makes me insecure and it makes me want to run away, and I feel alive and I feel like no matter what, I tried. The aftermath: I will not have things the way I want them. I don't even know if I want what I think I want (confusing, I know). Yet, it's out there. I am embracing how I feel and I am sharing it. I am saying what I want and I know I deserve it. Now, if only I could just leave things alone and say "hey, this is what I want, if you can't give it, take a hike" I'm getting close. I am thinking of how stupid I am being and I know that I can't stay that way for long. *sigh* I hope not for long. My heart hurts so bad...just when I think it can't take anymore, there it is saying "hit me", and I do.