I sat on the couch...
I turned on the TV.
I watched as others lived my life.
Sometimes I press my face to the screen as I change the channels.
Every flicker, was my heartbeat.
*click* Love unfulfilled...thump-thump
*click* Dreams deferred...thump-thump
*click* Opportunities missed...thump-thump
I became entertained with possibilities.
I laughed...I cried...I learned...I was kept in suspense.
Once, I saw a drama about a woman who risked everything to accomplish her dreams. She did not come close... She did gain valuable life experience and she was happy.
I admired her,
then I hated her.
I changed the channel.
A hilarious comedy about friends who were close like family, sharing life experiences, depending on each other and having a big laugh at the end...
Had me rolling,
then accentuated my loneliness.
I changed the channel.
A romantic love story about soulmates who find each other during trying times and do whatever it takes to make sure nothing stands in the way of their love, while thy fight the good fight for a love that last a lifetime...
Made my heart swell with warm fuzzy feelings,
then an aching tightening pain.
I changed the channel.
Ah! A one woman show starring someone sitting at home watching TV, letting her life pass her by, while feelinf self-pity and hopelessness, settling for watching others live her life for...
Captivated me,
then pissed me off.
She was being ridiculous! I could not watch her anymore.
I tried to change the channel.
She would not go away.
I realized the TV was off.
I had watched myself watching my life be played out by others.
So...
I got up.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
*sigh* so today, i woke up and prayed that God would keep me level headed and that he would help me get things done so that I would not have to be on the defense when it comes to how i do my job. i have to remember...what's for me is for me...no one else is supposed to have the same struggle i do...no one else is supposed to have the rewards i have...they may have similar issues, but never the exact same. so, i accept that, i am trying to rest in it. *sigh* today, i saw God come through again...my memory about what he's done is SO short...i've gone through something a month ago and He was there and He came through, yet here i am now...feeling anxious about things. He came through, my job issue...handled...i have a trip somewhere tomorrow. YEAH! not too far away, but it is a trip nonetheless, and i have another issue to try and solve at work...this will keep my busy, or at least with the appearance of being busy for today. this is great. i love to see God move...the day will come when i don't panic first, i trust first...then i chill. today, i'm good. i'll be back...something else always happens to me...maybe i'll talk about something funny. laughter is needed right?
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
going through...
i have been going through it.
i have been trying to become a better less segmented person.
i have been seeing myself from the outside in.
i base how i feel about myself on what other people think...i know this to be a wrong way to see myself, but until this year and some counseling, i really had no clue i was doing this. i jus thought i was depressed because i did not have a better paying job or because i did not have a successful relationship or whatever. i have believed a lot of lies about myself and how i should see myself. anyways, there are many parts to me, that i have not accpeted as really me. like people are used to seeing a nice me, a kind funny, entertaining me...they don't get the sad, down, wants to be alone me. they are not used to the indifferent me. and this is not because of that time of the month or anything, these are just regular parts of me that are shown as much. so when they come out it seems like i am not myself. and i think that it's not really me. so i feel like i am not myself and i want to be what others expect. now that i am writing this and i have been talking about this, it seems ridiculous. silly, crazy. i have recently accepted that i am all the things that i show, the good the bad and the ugly...
i know that i need to see myself from the inside out. i need to see the christ that is in me and then tell myself positive affirmations and really believe them, then i need to accept that when people see good in me, that it's true, and when they see that i am not my usual happy self...that i am still good...not a different person, not unlike myself, but the same person. i have been fooling myself for so long, so many failed relationships, and a lot of time wasted feeling worthless and not deserving of good things, and always feeling anxious and on the verge of losing things. not being in control. i don't know why i think i need to hold everything together, but i'm tired of doing that now.
i'm going through it now...i'm going to go through it.
i have been trying to become a better less segmented person.
i have been seeing myself from the outside in.
i base how i feel about myself on what other people think...i know this to be a wrong way to see myself, but until this year and some counseling, i really had no clue i was doing this. i jus thought i was depressed because i did not have a better paying job or because i did not have a successful relationship or whatever. i have believed a lot of lies about myself and how i should see myself. anyways, there are many parts to me, that i have not accpeted as really me. like people are used to seeing a nice me, a kind funny, entertaining me...they don't get the sad, down, wants to be alone me. they are not used to the indifferent me. and this is not because of that time of the month or anything, these are just regular parts of me that are shown as much. so when they come out it seems like i am not myself. and i think that it's not really me. so i feel like i am not myself and i want to be what others expect. now that i am writing this and i have been talking about this, it seems ridiculous. silly, crazy. i have recently accepted that i am all the things that i show, the good the bad and the ugly...
i know that i need to see myself from the inside out. i need to see the christ that is in me and then tell myself positive affirmations and really believe them, then i need to accept that when people see good in me, that it's true, and when they see that i am not my usual happy self...that i am still good...not a different person, not unlike myself, but the same person. i have been fooling myself for so long, so many failed relationships, and a lot of time wasted feeling worthless and not deserving of good things, and always feeling anxious and on the verge of losing things. not being in control. i don't know why i think i need to hold everything together, but i'm tired of doing that now.
i'm going through it now...i'm going to go through it.
I feel like a slacker
So...I have a job and while it does not consume my whole day and stress me out, there are things that stress me and make me not want to work there anymore. *sigh* I mean I do my work, I get things done, I collect my check, but I am not satisfied, nor do I feel like I am doing a good job. Not because I am constantly not doing work, but because every so often a co-worker will bring up something in how I handle my contracts that makes me feel like I am not as good as he is. The issue today was travel. I WANT to go on a trip or six and visit my clients and waste time away from the office and rack up frequent flyer miles...the American dream, right? However my approach has not opened the door for those opportunities...I am not aggressive enough or whatever. I still get my work done. I chill at work basically. I have time to surf, chat online, talk an the phone and with others...and take long lunches, etc. It's cool. I want more. I want another job. Anyways, I feel like a slacker because of one fault being pointed out...I feel like my job is on the line and that I'm not doing what I need to do, even though I am. I spoke with my mom about it...and my best friend. I am going to be more aggressive...and I am going to make up a trip and go kick it. Have a short meeting and then hang out in Dallas or Cuero... somewhere. If they want to spend money then I'll do my best to spend it. I have not been opposed to going somewhere...I just have not put that major effort into doing it. There's other stuff, but I just had to get that out. Now I can talk about other stuff on my mind.
Monday, August 21, 2006
The beginning of my book, I think...
“Uh…Do you Kayden take Naliya to be your lawfully wedded wife?” The pastor was uncomfortable asking this question for the second time. Naliya felt like the temperature of the church was at least 200 degrees. Even though she was wearing a Cinderella style wedding gown she felt naked. “I can’t believe this is happening” she thought. Kayden’s eyes were locked on hers. Her eyes saw the hesitation in his face. He could see her heart breaking. He finally decided ten seconds ago that he could not marry Naliya. “Why could I not stop this before we got here” he thought. As he looked at Naliya looking more beautiful than ever he knew why he wanted to marry Naliya. As he looked out into the mass of faces waiting for an answer he saw the reason he couldn’t. His lips parted and all that came out was a faint whisper “I can’t.” Naliya cocked her head to the side as if she did not hear him but she heard him as if he yelled it in her ear. “I can’t” a little louder this time. Tears flooded Naliya’s eyes. Then a fired sparked in her. “What the hell do you mean ‘I can’t’? Oh yes you can!!!!” The pastor was not even appalled by her somewhat profane outburst in the sanctuary, it was quite understandable. The guests shifted in their seats wondering if the bride’s side was going to lay hands on the groom and his family. The groom’s family made apologetic faces because they had no idea what was going on or how to handle it. “Liya, please not here. Let me explain privately.”
Kayden grabbed Naliya’s hand and led her toward the back of the church. As she followed him she saw the faces of her family and friends waiting to receive a sign of what they should do. They rushed past the audience and into the pastoral offices of the church. Once the door was shut a sudden calm hit Naliya. She reasoned with herself that she was being set up or that this was a dream. There was no way that this nightmare as real. “Liya, I love you,”
“Don’t say that after what you just did.”
“Okay. Liya, I can’t marry you and I can’t even really tell you why because it’s complicated.”
“Complicated?”
“Yes.”
“Please stop bullshitting me, Kay. We know each other too well for that, don’t we?”
“Well, it is complicated and well…I am just not right for you.”
“How can you realize that now? Not at the rehearsal, not last week…why now in front of my family and friends. Let’s not mention after my parents have spent $60,000 on this wedding.”
“Liya, this is for the best. One day, maybe you’ll see I did you a favor, but for now I have to say that I can’t marry you.”
What Naliya did not know was that Kayden had been debating this for months. He loved Naliya but the lies, secrets and someone from his past had come back to haunt him and they were in the church pews at that very moment. As much as Kayden wanted to begin a life with Naliya he knew that it would never work with his demons staring him in the face.
Kayden grabbed Naliya’s hand and led her toward the back of the church. As she followed him she saw the faces of her family and friends waiting to receive a sign of what they should do. They rushed past the audience and into the pastoral offices of the church. Once the door was shut a sudden calm hit Naliya. She reasoned with herself that she was being set up or that this was a dream. There was no way that this nightmare as real. “Liya, I love you,”
“Don’t say that after what you just did.”
“Okay. Liya, I can’t marry you and I can’t even really tell you why because it’s complicated.”
“Complicated?”
“Yes.”
“Please stop bullshitting me, Kay. We know each other too well for that, don’t we?”
“Well, it is complicated and well…I am just not right for you.”
“How can you realize that now? Not at the rehearsal, not last week…why now in front of my family and friends. Let’s not mention after my parents have spent $60,000 on this wedding.”
“Liya, this is for the best. One day, maybe you’ll see I did you a favor, but for now I have to say that I can’t marry you.”
What Naliya did not know was that Kayden had been debating this for months. He loved Naliya but the lies, secrets and someone from his past had come back to haunt him and they were in the church pews at that very moment. As much as Kayden wanted to begin a life with Naliya he knew that it would never work with his demons staring him in the face.
Not finished yet...
One day I woke up. I had already been awake physically, but now I was truly awake.
One day I woke up and I opened up. I purged the darkness from my mind and I swept out the lies. I rearranged my thinking. I pulled back the drapes that covered my soul’s window. The light almost blinded me. My eyes readjusted, my vision was altered. Things I saw clearly before became blurred. What was missing from my sight was clear. I began to notice the dust on the things I never chose to use in my life. I had gifts that were never opened and tools that I never allowed to do work in my life. Did I really consider this place a home? The air was stale and thick with tension and negative energy. How had I survived here? The trash of hurt and unforgiveness was piled up in every corner. I had pushed it out of the way but never taken it out. The light revealed it was all the way to the ceiling a whisper away from falling over in a tidal wave. I walk around and hear the squish beneath me feet. The floor, the carpet is soaked. I kneel down and press my fingers into the wetness…tears. Millions and millions of tear I never cried, had filled the floor of my soul, making the bottom heavy and sagging. I would need so much to clean up the mess in my soul.
One day I woke up and I opened up. I purged the darkness from my mind and I swept out the lies. I rearranged my thinking. I pulled back the drapes that covered my soul’s window. The light almost blinded me. My eyes readjusted, my vision was altered. Things I saw clearly before became blurred. What was missing from my sight was clear. I began to notice the dust on the things I never chose to use in my life. I had gifts that were never opened and tools that I never allowed to do work in my life. Did I really consider this place a home? The air was stale and thick with tension and negative energy. How had I survived here? The trash of hurt and unforgiveness was piled up in every corner. I had pushed it out of the way but never taken it out. The light revealed it was all the way to the ceiling a whisper away from falling over in a tidal wave. I walk around and hear the squish beneath me feet. The floor, the carpet is soaked. I kneel down and press my fingers into the wetness…tears. Millions and millions of tear I never cried, had filled the floor of my soul, making the bottom heavy and sagging. I would need so much to clean up the mess in my soul.
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