It's my birthday...

i'm growner today.
i am thankful for another year. a lot has happened in a year, and it's nice to know that you have people in your life who will take the time to be real with you. i have plenty of that.
God has been great, even though i have been feeling pretty distant from Him. like i just have not felt the urge to just be all for Him...i'm in a very superficial state right now. i'm truly thankful, but it's something i question (i know it's confusing) because i don't FEEL it. you know what i mean?
i had an encounter with someone who is cool, but i don't have any certainty with him...so it feels like i should just leave it alone...which i can do.

i have a job that i really like. i mean i really like what i do, and that i am appreciated and i feel like i can actually move up in the company, or at least make contacts to move up somewhere else. things are nice. i don't feel old...i did think..."it would be crazy if i woke up with gray hair and arthiritis all of a sudden...no gray...joints feel nice.

so tonight i am having a birthday thing. i am glad that my friend set it up and is really making sure that she contacts who i asked. nice. i had a grand vision of how i wanted it to go... 50 people at the restaurant enjoying themselves, laughing talking and eating. singing happy birthday and really feeling like they want to be there, because it's me...the main thing that will be different tonight from my fantasy is the number of people. it will be more like 15. ehh, i guess that's okay. better then none, right? oh, and i hoped for people from out of town to come...mainly my best friend and maybe my mom and some others...that would be HOT!

people think i'll be celebrating into the weekend...i don't know about that...i might...buy another pair of shoes or something...hang out with friends...chill and reflect on my life and how blessed i am.
i know that i am blessed. i wish my heart would feel open enough to really accept that. i think i might cry a lot if it opens up. i need to not be afraid to cry. i want to be open...i can do it!! i think...

well, i guess i should work now.