So, you wanna try something new...

well, here's an update... i went to dc and had a blast. i hope to do it again next year. i did poetry there at busboys and poets, funtimes. i've had a couple of encounters with a dude who showed interest in me. he's cool, but i'm pretty sure he won't be my man. which leads me to what's on my mind...

i have a very self defeatist attitude about dating and the men who i am dating. technically, i'm not dating anyone, i've just hung out with the dude. but, my friends said that they don't want to date just to be dating. i'm thinking...why not... i mean, i'm not exclusive with anyone, so why not get to know someone. i'm not ready for marriage and i think that i need to be around some dudes and handle the situation better with them before i am ready to just be with someone. this current dude and the next few, i'm pretty sure won't be my man...definitely not husband material, not for me. i know, self defeating...but it's how i feel. the question arose...have you asked God about this? umm...no i haven't. so should i not go out with anyone? should i stay to myself until i see i guy i think would be husband material...how would i find that out? by being friends with the dude...i hang out with the same people and anyone else that i meet i will probably have to "date" in order to get to know them...i can't stay with the church crowd...it's slightly dysfunctional and it hinders my ability to meet men...i don't want anyone that i hang out with now. so, most likely any man i meet i will have to get to know in the context of hanging out with him without the pressure of getting to a relationship in order to know what he's about, which is what i feel i'm doing.
so...in the process of hanging out, going out on dates with these men...i am pretty sure i am going to go through a couple of them before i end up with "boo". i felt like my friends were pointing out the flaws in my ideas of dating as to say "you are going to get used up by dealing with these men and you will be in the same position you were in before" HOW am i supposed to get to boo, without going through the fools? now God can make anything happen. i can go without dating anyone and then when it's time, i meet and marry the next one i get involved with...very possible. i like to hang out, and i will hang out, i will not be all up under, or trying to make something with someone. i am just going to hang out. if it's something that should be something then it will come. my friend felt like i could be giving guys the wrong impression by hanging out with them and they will think it's going somewhere and i don't feel that way. well...things will not move that fast. we would have talked before then. sex won't happen, so i won't have that soul tie...

all i'm trying to say is that if a dude wants to get to know me, then let's get to know each other...no pressure, no expectations, just hanging out. if the chemistry and timing are there, then it will pop off...i am just doubtful that it will be in the next few situations i'm in.

the current one...he's older, previously married and while he's cool...i don't think he's who i need to marry...i just don't. my problem comes from when i KNOW that and i keep going. i guess since i think i know what it is, i should leave him alone, huh? you're right, i should. well, i am going to leave it alone. what's wrong with him, nothing...he's just not my husband. period.

there's another guy that i was previously involved with who ended up with a girlfriend and i was not happy with it, but i left him alone. we are still cool, and now he's moving. we have nice convo...but, there's something about him that makes me think we would be nice together...i don't think that he thinks that. it crosses my mind though. i might have to go visit him. he wants to be thought of as a one night stand right now. not a healthy thing for me to get involved with.

i just don't want the heartache i had before. is that too much to ask? i feel like i'm aware enough to avoid the mistakes i made before.

i have no idea what i'm doing, this sucks...either be alone and wait, or hang out and see what happens...i want to see what happens. i know i was making sense today, but they felt like dating is pointless unless you feel they are someone to possibly marry. HOW WILL I KNOW THAT...without going out on dates? being friends...can there be friendly dates? and why can't i just know that the next few men that come around won't be my husband? i know the current is not it, the next...probably not. and these men i'm dating...it could be a one time thing...OK OK, i had a one time thing with this young dude...and with someone else...they to me kinda count as men i dated...went on dates with...that about three...that's why i think that the next few won't be the one, because it could be a very brief encounter...feel me?

*sigh* tiring. i make sense...forget them...

AHA!!

i'm tired. my heart is tired again. someone said that they think it is stronger because of what i go through...okay i agree...but the getting stronger process hurts a bit. but i am definitely tired. i am glad that i have people to listen to me, encourage me, miss me... all that. my heart is hard again. i know it will soften up enough to let someone else in soon...but i have this urge in me to just write that off all together. i don't like feeling stupid, yet i put myself in situations where i am being very stupid. i need to prevent stuff instead of reacting to it. *sigh*...
i know, i know...i've been here for like a year now. I KNOW.

i'm having an "a-ha" moment... AHA!! i need to quit trippin and do what i need to do, not what i think will be okay, going for something and hoping it will be okay, but going for what is great, knowing that it will be okay. i know what's up, but something in me leads right into a pit....an emotional pit where there is no real way out, except to get hurt. that's crazy...insane! funny...in a sad way.

i feel better. pointing out my craziness feels good. i'm really smart...i just do stupid things.

for love...

Can dreams happen concurrently with reality?
Can two hearts beat at the same time?
Can two bodies step out of time and live a whole lifetime in one kiss, one embrace, one knowing look?
Can truth become a dream, if dreams can come true?

I woke up with you on my mind.
I woke up and felt you holding me.
I woke up with you next to me.
I woke up in my dreams.

You give my soul massages when you tell me you love me.
You kiss my heart when you hold me.
You step into my presence and erase the time that has passed and will pass.
You exhale my happiness when I inhale your love.

We don’t talk, we paint a future with our conversations.
We don’t hear each other, we listen to our lives merging word by word.
We don’t hug each other, we protect a gift from God with our embrace.
We don’t smile at each other, we are shedding light on our love for others to see.

Tell me how to be closer to you.
Tell me you want our dreams and reality to be one in the same.
Tell me we can be two that make one.

Tell me you want to be the reflection of my love for you.

So, I got the job...and I have accepted some things...

i got the job!!! $8000 more than what i was making before! i am happy and this will be a great opportunity for me. i will be working with the united way and they are paying me what i wanted. not really the big amount that i wanted, but an amount that makes it worth it. i am excited. it will be hard work...not more chilling, but it will take me to higher levels in my career and i will be apart of something that is helping others. wonderful!!
i have accepted that this is my path. i am not supposed to make a ton of money right now. but i am making enough to do want i need to do and i am able to get a position that will put me in the position to pursue my other ventures...event planning community help or whatever. nice.
i have also accepted that i am being led by my heart right now. some things just have to be played out until their end and it's going to be really hard to go against that. the song "where is the love" come to mind this morning and it applies to my situation. *sigh* i know, i know...i should be done, but i'm not. i don't understand why, but this is what it is. however, things are changing for the better where i will not be right next to my temptation all the time like i am now. whew! so, will this decrease what my heart feels? hopefully. if not, then something has got to give...i can't keep on like this...it's not fair to me and who i need to be with. whoever that is.
with all of that... i still am not any closer to feeling like things are okay.
last night something happened...when i woke up it felt like a dream...like "did that really happen" i had on the same clothes and my call log confirmed that it was a real situation...why did it seem like a dream then? i'm so glad you asked. it's because i had not been in that situation in a while, i wanted to get caught up in it and maybe i told myself to not think of it as anything more than that moment....no promises of a future, no apologies for the past...just that moment. like everything that could have been and everything that is happened right then. a moment isolated from reality...but a real moment for two hearts...*sigh* whatever.
maybe that's a poem...i'm tired of writing about it...but it's my life...

this is what i am accepting.

good things come...bad things do too

so, let's start with the good. i have a second interview tomorrow with a great non-profit. i am excited, however i know that God will give me what he wants me to have and i don't have to worry about things. i juse need to do my best and pray on it and leave the rest to him. my mom is crunk as if i got the job, but i haven't and until i sign an offer letter i am just interviewing to let them know i can do this job. i mean if i get it great if not, i will be on the grind again for something else. the way i see it. i have the job i want...God has already done that for me, because i prayed and asked in faith that he would. i just need to get to it. not worry about it. anyways, i am excited. i did not think i would have gotten a call back. i get so nervous, i'm hoping that this time, i'll be more calm and happy so they can see my bubbly personality. so, that's what i have going on. i have a retreat to go to this weekend and then to a fish fry and then to a poetry slam thing. i have not been to a poetry venue in a while. i need to hear some good words...i still need to write some. i wrote in my book over the weekend. nice. i need to finish it.

okay for the bad...it's not too bad...just not all that great. ts came around...in our conversation, i was able to deduce that he has been having sex...not a big shocker...but, who so you think he's sexin'? right...her... that made my heart stop. i think i stopped breathing after i concluded that. we were talking still, but i felt hot and bothered...and not in the good way. i think i was jealous and i wanted to ask questions, but i didn't to save myself the mental drama. it's okay for me to think it, but to have him confirm it or even worse...avoid answering the question, would kill me. WHY?? i don't know.

so where does that leave me...leaving him alone. again.

*sigh* sucks.

i hope my interview goes well and that i'm the one they want. i want to be wanted. if they don't want me...then i will be okay. that's the beauty if looking for jobs when you have one. i need to move on in my career. i want to take the right steps in it. it's not about the money so much as being in the right position to make moves... it's all about the moves. that and the fact that i just don't care about this job anymore...it shows in how i respond to stuff and the fact that i am writing in my blog while at work.

other than that...i'm good. which is a lovely thing for me. i'm not sad...that's HOT!!

Fire and Desire

so...i have considered playing with fire. i thought about pushing an emotional conversation with someone...then i considered pushing a sexual conversation with another. i need to quit while i'm ahead.
i also have desires...i want to have an event planning business. but what would that mean for me? ideally, i would like to work as an event planner. get paid right off the bat and do it for a crunk company. however, if i keep volunteering for things and telling people what i want to do, i am hoping that i will get some gigs that i can work on outside of a regular job, then that would lead to my own business. i need to research that, huh? *sigh* things are slowly unfolding...i don't want to rush, but i want to move when God says so. i'm torn. i will pray about it. maybe it's not meant that i do it in my own business...maybe i'm supposed to be that person that just does things and meets people and makes connections and still works a regular job...who knows. i keep thinking about all the potential i have to do great things...have a book, have a business, make investments, whatever...then i think that i need to take the safe route...wait...i don't want to be safe all the time...i told myself that 2007 was the year to grow a set of balls and man up. okay, okay...so i need to man up...

how do i do that?

Okay, so I'm transparent...Whatever...

i think that i hide things well. i don't really. i need to be aware of that. it's hard to know how my actions will affect everyone if i react so fast that i don't even know what i did. over the last week or so i have be pretty much a recluse. i realize that it's close to that time of the month...fine, but i really think that i have suffered a burn out. i was supposed to try and use my no muscle and that is going okay. i have not been asked to do anything else lately. nice. okay, wait let me make this an organized entry.
first, i'm feeling like i don't have anything to do at work, but i could be doing more if i were working on my own things, like looking for a job, planning events, and running errands. i need to go on another trip, break up the monotony. something.
second, i think i'm a little lonely. i want to have a guy to practice my moves on...and by moves i mean taking things slow, being upfront and making sure that he wants to have something more with me. i don't want to give so much of myself just to have him leave me (see previous blogs about how that is the story of my life). i can wait on having a man, but it would be nice to get it.
third, i have been pretty rude to people. maybe it's because of that time or it's because i have stuff on my mind and i can't handle being asked to do stuff all the time. i don't know. maybe i was a little jealous of some people and with others i was just rude because my mind was elsewhere. i have no clue.
fourth, i need to do some stuff. i have a few things i am workng on, but it seems like i need to do more. or maybe there's just some lag time right now because it's too early to plan everything. with the open mic group, i need to do things, but i have to meet with the group first. with the thing at the pastor's house. i can wait a bit, it's not until mid april. with the volunteer group, i have a meeting next week. and what i do for them is not too time consuming. i still need to job hunt. at least i'm getting a few calls about my resume.
fifth, i need more money. cool things though. i had two tens and i spent one over the weekend. when i went to use my other ten for some oranges (new craving), i saw that i had two tens still. that was clearly GOD because i can't recall how, when or what. i just saw it there. i hope no one is in trouble over it. i need to give a dollar to someone. like a tithing. i can do that.
sixth, i don't know. just feeling weird lately. tired, sad...i don't know... broke...maybe it's monday

so, no real action. no men. no ignorance...just thinking. a lot of thinking. i need to write something...do something.

I would be tired of myself too...

so, guess who conjured up her ex? yep, me. i had a dream about him and it was something so nice and sweet and took me back to the days when i loved hard and he loved me hard in return. *sigh* i had a feeling that since i had a strong dream about him he might call. i mean it's been 5 years and to this day if i think of him too hard...he'll call, it has yet to fail...what does that mean? i don't feel anything for him. he's crazy and we are just not meant to be...ever. so why does he call at these times...maybe because he was my first and he loved me like no other chick, we have an eternal connection. who knows...it's crazy...
so...back to t.s. umm, i mean i have not been in touch with him...i have been good. then i saw him...i went to where he stood, i was friendly and it felt okay. i was captivated and even though there was someone else around...all i remember is seeing him...*sigh* sickening i know. but i figured it was okay to speak and not be rude and i could carry on. well, the next day, he approaches me...he's happy like for the first time he's really and truly happy. i am happy for him as well. we smile and hug and i am so happy that he looks happy...my cheeks hurt from all the cheesin' i did. things are obviously not done...but my hope is that things will be better...not to be with him. but to be in his life and have him in my life in a healthy way...who's to say he even feels the way he did...who's to say i could feel the way i felt before, again. i still feel...but there's also a lot of resentment and uncertainty. my goal in dating now...is to see if i can marry someone. we can hang and if we feel it could work great, if not, then we would not have gotten so far into each other that it's complicated.

that's the hope, we'll see...

i am going to a formal event tomorrow, nice! i get to be pretty and dress up and be fly...like prom but way better than that....

OH MY GOODNESS!! I HAVE BEEN OUT OF SCHOOL FOR TEN YEARS!!
i feel so old.

tonight is the open mic i work with...i hope it goes well tonight...i am tired and i have a problem saying no to people...i will need to work on that.... next posting i'll give you the progress on that.

Love Day...the aftermath...

well another love day has come and gone. there were times where i wish i had someone and there were times when i was happy that i was loved period. thigns could have been worse...could have been better...this is my life and i am okay with what happened. i went out and kicked it last night. i had a blast, danced and flirted and just chilled with the girls...this friday is going to be CRUNK!! i can't wait.
i have an interview tomorrow. i am thrilled and nervous. i will do my best. if it is for me then i will have the job. God has already claimed my treasures for me. i believe in that and i will not think otherwise. when it comes, it will be so right and so perfect...well i may not recognize it as perfect, but it wil be mine the way God wants it. nice.

*sigh* i'm trying...i am really trying to not think about tortured soul...i meani have done well with not talking to him and seeing him and all that jazz. my life is complete and fun without it. there is guilt that i dipped out on him. he needed me...so he said. i think that when push comes to shove he knows i'm there. part of me wants to know how he feels about me. do you still care? do you still want me in your life? have you realized that we don't need to be in each other's lives? i don't know. i know that he needs more than what i can give. and i need more than what he can give. i just couldn't go on. the being upset, the pretending that i was fine...doesn't work. he can't give me what i thought i wanted from him. it killed me to see him with another. hurt me to know and hear all that he feels, and not have a chance to ever act on it. sucks...made me feel he was a liar, made me angry made me feel stupid. then...i see him...the back of him...he walked slow and sad. my heart ached for him. wanted to hug him wanted to look in his eyes and have him tell me what was wrong...knowing i would be drawn in. i did not approach him. he did not even know i could see him. my heart ached...what the hell is wrong with me? *sigh* to satisfy my heart i sent an email. i asked him how he was doing. he was not doing well. i asked if he found someone to talk to. he did. i told him he needed a hug or 12. he said "thanks, but no thanks" crushed! *sigh* so i feel rejected, disheartened and dumb for even asking. i thought it would have been okay. it was, until i pushed it with a suggestion of contact. maybe he feels that it's best that we don't ever talk. ever communicate again. he was happy once. he said that i did that. now, i am not a source of happiness for him. he can't be a source of happiness for me. we are just a he and i...not an us, or we. not together. our paths in life are no longer crossed. they are separating. i chose this. my choice was to free myself. i am ignorant to believe that i am free. not now. not yet.
this is not to say that i will try and start something up with him and renege on what i said. i can't be his friend now. i just can't. my stupid heart feels otherwise. other wise...other than wise. my heart feels what is other than wise. my mind knows better. i had thought it through, looked at the evidence...things were not working. *sigh* maybe i wanted him to hug me, but i made it seem like it was something he should need. maybe i wanted him to hold me, be strong for me. someone will be strong for me one day. i'm getting weary.

anyways, on to more fun stuff.

belgium boy and i have been in touch with each other more. fun times. he's pretty cool and he made my phone bill sky high. it was worth it. i enjoy good conversation.
i went to a dinner party where the men cooked and served and cleaned while the women sat around and discussed politics and drinking wine. fun times. i loved it. had a chance to flirt and everything. kind of thought something might have come from my flirtations. but...it didn't...oh well.
i am going to houston next week. i like to travel a bit now. my mom's birthday is next week. i'm glad i get to be there for that...for free!
i am taking some meds that help my mood. i'd like to think they are working. even though i was disturbed by tortured soul today, i have felt pretty good about things. not so "end of the world" i'm more easy about things.
i love cereal, it's my new craving
i'm pretty much doing well...

that's all i have.

peace

Odessa...not hot...

i am on a conference call for the group i work with. we have big things planned for april, i am excited. we also have drama...of course. i hope it works out. i am in the hampton inn, i like this hotel. the bed is so comfy and i slept really good. i need a new bed. odessa is not the place to be. west texas, this part, is very hilly and dry looking. the fog was scary, but when it cleared i saw a beautiful scenery that i took pics of. very nice, peaceful. tomorrow is my last day to drive around and sightsee. i am ready to go home, but i enjoy the time away from the office and my nasty ass co-worker. *sigh*
i don't have much to write about. just some thoughts:
i need to get over tortured soul. i know what it feels like to get over someone. i have done that with the teddy bear. it feels good to be done. to be able to talk to him and not feel like i want him and not feel jealous about him and his chick. i need to do that with tortured soul. it will come.
i have some female issues that i might need a surgery for. sucks. i think about it sometimes.
i read my diaries. i am crazy and i think about men WAY to much. i tried to have my last diary be about me more. i tried, then the men came. i read that one and i see that i have gone through some stuff and that is the majority of my diary, i'm glad.
poetry might have been a phase for me. sometimes i feel like i have something to say, then other times i feel it's best to just keep it to myself. i might write something. or finish something. performing it...not so much.
i am tired.
american idol tryouts are funny.
i need to get something better to write on here.
next time.

peace

Since I am the only one at work

Well, I am at work. *sigh* Kind of sucks...I have a dream: that I still be in bed dreaming. Well, at least my nasty co-worker is not here. It makes the day better. Did I tell you what he did? Well, one day we were talking about work, and he was talking to me and scraping the dirt from his nails...cleaning them...which is fine. In the midst of his speaking with me he, in one movement, scraped the dirt out and ate it....UGH!! He ate it...in front of me. It's dirt. White nasty germy dirt!! Now I know that I can be a little nasty too. I won't disclose my habits here...I know that I am prone to bite a nails and spit it out, even clean my nails...but I will not eat that dirt. UGH!! I almost threw up. THEN, it get s better...we have lunch with our manager (she's cool) and we enjoy an appetizer of queso, guacamole and salsa...yummy...when the chips come out I immediately get some and put them on a plate away from my nasty ass co-worker. He asks "hey why do you have your own plate of chips?" I say "because I want them close to me." Not that it's any of his business why I do stuff. He says "oh I thought you thought I had cooties or something." In my mind I am screaming "HELL YES, YOU DO!! Nasty Ass!!" I reply with a short "No, it's not that at all." UGH!! While we eat he makes jokes with the waitress, some a little inappropriate. I take that back, his borderline racist comments at work are inappropriate. The comments he made to the waitress were just annoying. **side note, one of the waitresses had the hairiest arms I'd ever seen on a woman** He dominates the conversation with his antics and I am in a lunch hell. Then he makes it even worse. You know how crumbs and drops of sauce fall onto the table? Well they should stay there...Oh no...that's not the case with Co-Worker...he picks up the crumbs and scoops up the sauce droppings off the table with his grubby nasty, open wound, sausage like fingers...while talking to Manager. UGH!! I was like "is he serious? someone married him? oh my God!!" Needless to say I have not ever wanted to eat around him again.
Ha! Joke on me. Manager invites us over for dinner. Nice gesture, wrong company. At least I would finally get to see who married this man. I met her, she's sweet and nice and a regular woman...I was confused. Anyways, anyone could see that I could not handle being around Co-Worker any more than I had to. I know I was short with him and I avoided him. I just can't be around him outside of work. I was punished enough during the time I spend at work. It's like he is always trying to correct me. The thing is...if I have done something wrong I might not care or I actually did it right and I don't need you nit-picking.

As you can see I don't like him too much. Believe it or not, I would rather work with his racist, nasty inappropriate ass than the other guy. The other might have pissed me off because I don't like his "higher and more important than thou" attitude. I might be projecting or overreacting...it's how I feel. Now you know.

Hmm, what else?

Well, I hope to be out of town next week. That will be nice. I have to work on my extracurricular things. I don't want to mention them here. I bought a planner. I still have trouble sleeping. I ate so good this weekend. I need to be easy on the food.

Oh! Funny thing. I went to the store to get milk...of course I could not get just one thing. I saw that edamame (soybeans) were on sale for 48 cents WOW!! So I got 5 bags...plus the milk...no basket...problem. I proceed to walk on...not towards the check out like I need to, I decide I should get some granola bars. I stand in front of the granola bars section. Hands full, mind contemplating...what to do. The frozen bags of beans are slippery and the milk is getting heavy. I must get granola bars, though. Just then, when I feel that everything will come undone and fall to the floor, a man comes down the aisle with a hand basket. He says "Here, take this, I'll get another one." Saved. Whew! I knew it was God. God was clearly laughing at me, then he helped me out. I laughed at myself too.

So here I am at work...the only one. I hope to go home early. mmmm, home....

Later!

It's 11 days into 2007 and I am already being tested...

So...
I am going to need for those who I left in 2006 and prior years to stay there. I mean I can see how someone would take me not talking to them personally. It is personally better for me to not speak with them. The way I see it, if we were really supposed to be friends, I could not be without you. It would feel good to have you in my life. I would want to resolve issues to make sure we had a good relationship. BUT, if I do not feel that way...leave me alone. It's okay to not be in touch with someone. It's okay to not speak. I know you are there...I have nothing to say to you.
*sigh*
I feel completely lied to and deceived by Tortured Soul. I mean I don't get him. He told me so much and I wanted to believe it...all lies. I have to tell myself that. Holding on to a possibility that he was sincere would drive me crazy. I have to believe that he was false. I need people to be clear and act like what they say. I tell people upfront: I don't rememeber everything I say, I contradict myself, I run from conflict, I will do things that hurt you, I do not intend to hurt you, I will forget stuff, I wil piss you off. That way when I am good, it's great and when I'm bad, it's expected. Nice. If you say you love me...act like it. If you want to be with me...do something to get to me. If you don't, how am I supposed to believe that that is what you want? I won't.
Another, Preacher Man, tried to contact me yesterday. He said I crossed his mind. I text him back. I said: Why? I mean really, why am I crossing your mind? You are married, you left me to marry someone else...you are a pastor of a church. I don't need to ever be on your mind. And if I am , you don't need to contact me to see how I am doing. All you will get is that I am fine. All you need to know is that I am fine. Why would I divulge anymore than that to you? We are not friends. I was a friend to you and you betrayed that...so, you are not privileged to my life anymore. He had the nerve to tell me: You are very short with me, I guess it's understandable though...Well YES!! Hell yes, I am short with you. What do we have to talk about? I can't be there for you. You lost the privilege of my counsel. Something you once loved and valued, you spit on and left because "it just felt right" to leave. So be where you are, thank you.
*sigh*
Another is annoying me...He wants to know if I hate him. No, I am don't care about you at all...how about that? So what we don't talk...so what I don't respond to your messages...what do we have to talk about? If I repsond to one message, that leads to you thinking I will always respond. That leads to you thinking that all is well and it's not. It just isn't. You can't make it better. So leave it alone. I can be cordial, that does not mean kool-aiding with you. It means, I don't frown when I see you. It means I stay in the same room when you are there. It does not mean that I have to speak. It jsut doesn't. Quit whining!! "Do you hate me or something?" What kind of question is that? "I understand you don't want to be my friend..." Do you? Obviously, you don't or you would not try and talk to me.
*sigh*
So, I had to vent a bit. Very frustrating. This is 2007, I will be fine. I will be better. I'm clearly being tested. I have other things to worry about than other people's feelings. Wait...that sounded rude. There are certain people's feelings I no longer consider important enough to change how I respond to them. That's better.
I used to really care about Tortured Soul. Two years of mess, heartache, pain, waiting, being a fool. No more. Now I don't care. He can jump off a bridge right now. I can't do it anymore. I really cared, wanted to be there and he spit on it. All over it. The thing is, is that he does not see it that way. He thinks I am dissing him. HA!! Whatever!!! I want more from him and he can't/won't do it...so he gets put to the side. He gets put out of my life.
*sigh*
I'm upset. Like I'm really hot right now.

I have other things going on. My health is a concern. My job and finances are a concern. My life is the most important thing right now. Not egos of buttheads.

Maybe later on I will be more open to communication. I would hate to think that I can't ever be civil. It's just so hard when you feel betrayed. The song Resentment definitely applies here. I'm full of it. That's why I had to leave them alone. All of them. Why can't they respect that?

Why?

*sigh*
ICTT!!

why can't i cry

i can't cry. i just ended something with someone and i can't cry...it hurts like hell...God heard my thoughts and took them as prayers and gave me what i asked for...again...i want to cry let it out, heal. i can't and i don't understand why. i feel like i need to...where are my tears. i'm even listening to sad songs...no tears. there's a part of me that feels/knows that this is for the best. there was no way that i could hold on to this and get what i want. i had to not be afraid to let it go. i spared him the "i wish you the best...i hope you have a wonderful life" talk. we just hung up. just, good bye. i felt the tears, i felt the emotion coming, it has not erupted. this bothers me. so now, there is no one...i mean no one for me to place my "more than friends" feelings on. just myself i guess. i wanted to be something for someone, but my feelings and desires and wants from him become overbearing. he could not, and was not trying to give me what i need. i need to have a man that i have feelings for be with me. not in a "situation" i can't do it. i have too much resentment. i wanted to be friends with him, thinking that this would be a change in my life. i realize that i am not friends with any man that i have been involved with. it's too much. especially since they have girlfriends. why would i do that to myself? i tried though. i want too much from him, them. so they don't get to be in my life. i was convinced that i was being a coward by not at least trying. i tried. it does not work. they need to move around. this is a good thing...it hurts, but i have spent too much emotion on him without having things turn out the way i want. call me controlling, call me selfish, call me whatever. i need more. i'm sorry that you have crazy things happen. i was a safe place, but he was not a safe place for me. too many feelings. he was very upset. i don't think that he should be okay with it, but i was not a good friend if every time we talked, i had some resentful comment to say, or our conversation led to an uncomfortable silence. he was the last to go. i can not go through this again. if i have to be alone, so be it. i can't do this again.

why can't i cry?
2007 has to be different. please! i'm so sad. i think i should cry. maybe this is not something to cry over. maybe it's something to accept. it was coming. if not tonight, soon. God acts fast. maybe it's because He's ready to do some things me NOW!! i'm ready. bring it.

so sad. so sad. no tears...not a one.
i don't get it.

i can't cry.

I can't save anyone...

I can't save anyone even though I really want to. Someone told me that I have Florence Nightingale Syndrome, which basically says that I help someone to feel powerful and I have the urge to do it even though it's not possible for me to be the solution. This means that I will become someone that someone depends on...they could miss out on really relying on God and they could miss out on seeing that they can do things on their own. How this affects me? I spend energy trying to be something for someone and after a while it becomes a burden, because I am not the answer, I just want to be. In the process I miss out on having my needs met. In a lot of these cases, I want someone to be there for me and give something to me in return...I just don't say it. I act like someone who can help them hoping I'll get it in return. *sigh* So, the lesson I have to keep telling myself "I can not help him" "I can not help them" "I can not help" I am not helpless, I am just not able to help as big as I want to.
So, that's what's up.

2007 is coming soon. I am not able to settle for what I have been anymore. It was pointed out that that is what I have been doing. I am not trying to go there anymore. If you are not trying to man up...then step down. Don't feed me tidbits and think that I am okay with that. I am not...I am too old for that. I need and deserve MORE!! It's rough to not see the end of the tunnel...so I am thinking of it and traveling on a country scenic route. There are plenty of nice things to see and experience on my way to my destination, but they are not where I need to stay. I will smell the roses, learn something and move along. *sigh* I am not alone. Life is good. I am going to get what I need. I'm okay.

Sometimes you just have to know...right?

Maybe I shouldn't have tried to know today. I had a sudden mood swing and I don't want to blame it on anyone...I think it was because I have been dwelling on something and I had to know. The more I kept putting it off, the worse it got. Couple that with the other "stresses" in my life and you have a recipe for depression. Okay, let me be real...I have a nice life. I am loved, I have a job, food, a nice car, clothes, people who genuinely care for me and a wealth of other things, sometimes even small surprises in life that make things beautiful (I got a big ass pixie stick from Dave and Buster's last night, I was estatic...it does not take much). So what's the problem? Wanting more money, a decent relationship, a steady mood, to really and truly believe that things are okay. I fell off from my lovely spot of feeling like things were okay. *sigh*
Okay about today: I confronted someone about some things I had been thinking about. I got answers, but I'm not sure if they are what I wanted to hear...or if they were the truth...or what...The conversation was strained and tense as I laid out what I was thinking and feeling. The other party was visibly shook by what I said and asked. We spoke in whispers so that we would not draw attention, but I'm sure anyone could tell by our body language that things were not right. Our hushed session of question and confession was marked with long silences and forced phrases. I wanted to take things back...not start this conversation, have a happy time. Not possible. My mood, my mind was already made up "Ask, you need to know." I listened intently. I processed what I was told and I felt like digging deeper and comforting the other person at the same time. Was I wrong for asking? Did I really want to know? Would I get the truth? Would this mean the end of something or the beginning? I had no clue. I pressed on, it was too late to ignore what had been placed on the table. *sigh* I heard stories that made me feel compassion...and then I heard confessions that pissed me off...I thought that this was what I wanted...to know, to have it all put out there. Now I'm listening to Sarah Vaughn and other slow jazzy music fighting the tears that I have needed to cry. I feel frustrated. I don't know if I got any answers. I thought I was past this, I thought I was ready to be adult about this and just say what I need to say, ask what I need to ask. Looking into the face that I changed from smiles to frown, seeing that the hurt is not just from me, but from so many others things that have come to head in that moment, made me feel like I should have presented my case better. But how? No matter when I asked, it would have turned up with the same result. I could have approached it better, but it would have meant the same thing. Broken feelings. We parted ways without a goodbye. Me walking away with no more information than I came with, I think. The other, walking away with the weight of many life situations gone wrong pressing down. I don't know what to do. I thought I wanted to know. I don't even know if I know. *sigh* Clearly this is not over.

On another note. I am so ready to be away on a break. Even though it's with crazy family...I'll take that over sitting alone and being depressed. I hope to have a better mood next time. I need some happy pills...anyone have some? :)

Don't hold me to this...

After me trip to Dallas, I came back and things were different. I did not have the same level of affection for tortured soul like I did before I left. Hmm...I talked to him and even saw him and I just have that same intensity for him like I did. Don't hold me to this because next week I might be all into him again. Hopefully that's not the case though. I want to be over him. I don't want to feel like I am waiting on the right situation to be with him. I am waiting for the right man, period. Clearly he is not it. Kind of sad...nah not really. I mean he has a piece of my heart and all but, it's just not right. I am not convinced it ever will be. God would not do that to me...I hope not.

On a side note: You ever have times when you get out of sync with your friends and you feel like you are starting from scratch with them? I have a few friends and we have not been around each other like before. Now, I know life gets in the way some times, but until I am able to hang out with them, I am going to wonder if things are okay. I have made some contact...it's on them to accept. I'm not trying to kick people out. Maybe they wanted out...I have no clue.

On another side note: I kind of wonder why every dude I have been involved with has gotten a girlfriend IMMEDIATELY after being with me. Dudes: if you want a girlfriend, give me six months of your time and shortly thereafter you will have a longterm girlfriend or wife. It won't be me, but you will have one. That sucks.

My diary is jealous. Clearly I don't say everything here. That would be crazy.

Peace

I'm trying to grow a set

I need to get some balls and stop being such a punk. I mean, I am cute, smart, funny and a good person yet I insist on living within self-set boundaries that keep me from experiencing life. I had a talk with my homeboy. He told me to stop being such a worrier and just live. He pointed out that I am so worried about what other people will think about what I am doing, that I miss the fact that they are doing whatever they want, and they are telling me to not do those things. Double standard I guess. I agree him. I do worry about what others think. I feel like I should be at a higher level or a higher standard in the way I live my life. I put this on myself, in the end, I have to deal withthe consequences, no one else. They can say whatever, but they go around and do things that I would not recommend...do they really feel the need to do what I say? So, why am I anticipating what they will think? Why am I bound by their reactions? I have no clue. the point is, is that I need to get some balls and say "Hey, now...I am going to do things and live!" I am not going to be reckless or so far off the chain that I do more harm than good, but I will take more chances and step outside my box more. I have said this before...it's a process, but here is proof that I am trying:
I admitted my feelings to someone regardless of what would happen between us. I feel better about that.
I called a dude that was interested in me (with some coaxing from my friend), instead of instantly counting him out, because he was not my "ideal". Fact is, I have no clue what my ideal is.
I kicked it this weekend. I drove all over Dallas and saw friends and spent money...I might regret that one later on.
I dressed a little sexier, danced and flirted with the men and did not worry too much about whether or not I was fat, too tall, too revealing, to flirtatious. I just had fun.
I am going to try and buy a condo...I will have to buy appliances, get a second job and save my ass off, but I really want to try for it. I have support. I will get another job at some point, so why not. I'm doing it!!!

Now for some those things seem minimal. For me and how I have lived, these are big steps. They are going to take me out of my comfort zone where I feel I have control. They will make realize that I do not have control and that it's okay to be in that situation. God's got me. I need to live.
Well, I had an excellent trip to Dallas. I can't wait to come back. I have gotten in touch with one of my line sisters and I hope to have relationships with all of them. I want to be in the mix if I can.

I will keep you posted on the happenings. I am sure this is the beginning of some crazy stuff. I'm thinking, some fun, some pain, some confusion and some triumphs.
I hope the dude calls me back...wait...it will be cool if he calls, if he doesn't I will be okay.

Until later,
Me

My heart hurts

I have let meself get caught up again. Not because I thought I could handle it and be okay with things, I knew that would not be the case. I got caught up, so that things would die. So that I can say, "look you did try" I have expressed myself, not to get what I want out of the situation, but to get something out of putting myself out there. Now it's known, how I feel is known. I am understood and that's new...I usually act like I don't care. I do care, a lot. It sucks, and it hurts and it makes me insecure and it makes me want to run away, and I feel alive and I feel like no matter what, I tried. The aftermath: I will not have things the way I want them. I don't even know if I want what I think I want (confusing, I know). Yet, it's out there. I am embracing how I feel and I am sharing it. I am saying what I want and I know I deserve it. Now, if only I could just leave things alone and say "hey, this is what I want, if you can't give it, take a hike" I'm getting close. I am thinking of how stupid I am being and I know that I can't stay that way for long. *sigh* I hope not for long. My heart hurts so bad...just when I think it can't take anymore, there it is saying "hit me", and I do.

I can't...

I can’t, I can not, I just cain’t!
I do not have the ability
To love you
To keep you
To make you mine
To possess you
Because you don’t want me to
Oh! How hard I tried.
I wanted to make a solution of us
The thick oil of my hope
Settled for what you gave me to the bottom
While the shallow water of what you wish you could be for me
Pressed down on top
We separated
All the arms that I used to hold onto you have been amputated
The “ghost limb” theory is true even metaphorically, because I still feel like I have a hold on you
I gave you a slice of my heart and you sandwiched that with your pain
It satisfied your hunger for an unconditional love
Now I don’t feel whole because of the hole you left
Our perfect dysfunction always malfunctions
I want to dig my claws in your back because that’s the closest part of you that I can reach
You always face another
Always place another before me
I lose indefinitely
There’s precision in the way you diss me
Calculated words that always equal up to
Me minus you
Am I better off? Sure…maybe
I look to the sky after our lovestorm
I see that our rainbow has 7 colors
Black misunderstanding
Blue sadness
Purple passion
Green envy
Yellow cowardice
Red anger
White hope
I pray for true reconciliation with you
I pray for contentment with myself
Until the answers come I will pry my grip from your back and let you go
I will cry all the tears of resentment that I hold
Wholeness will come and love won’t be born out of fear
It won’t hurt to love you
I can, I will I have the ability
To love
To heal
To move on
To be

As I wait for atonement...

Okay, I really like J*Davey. I want their CD.

*sigh* so the poetry show went very well. i'm happy with how it went down. my mom came in to support me. nice, she loves me. then we kicked it and that was cool, my young cousin was at a place that i went to. i knew i was too old to be in there, but hanging with my homeboy and his friend made it fun.
okay, this is why i am writing in here. i want to buy a house, but i'm broke. i am tired of not having money, it's getting on my nerves. i know that things will get better, but i don't like that it's such an issue. i want to be okay where i am, know that i will have better and have the patience to wait for what's for me.
i also want a boyfriend. i think. maybe. i get involved with unavailable men on purpose. i get hurt. then i am convinced that i won't be with anyone. no one is every right, i don't let anyone get close. with the past dudes i've dealt with it really seems that way. i know i chose wrong, but it does not seem like there is anyone right being shown to me. that sucks. i see men all the time. i just don't want to deal with them if i am not attracted to them or i don't feel they are right. the thing is, is that i've been attracted the the wrong men. *sigh*
so, tortured soul and i are on the outs again. there is obviously something wrong with our being "friends" because it does not work out for us. so i think it's best that i leave him alone, like my original plan was. i am too possessive over him and he is not letting me possess him. he can't not with all the issues he has. he can't even be a good friend to me. did he come to my show, nope. and why, because of his stupid choices and situations. UGH! so what's the point? there is no point to us being friends. we are not friends, we are acquaintences. FINE THEN!

i guess i'll just be waiting for the time to come when things work out the way i am praying for them to. i wait and wait for something to happen. i have tried to make things happen and they do, but they have been some wrong things. i need to keep my hands out of it and let god do his work. it's hard to sit still.