Our final day together was a regular day for us. A lengthy conversation about randon things, sports, relationships, music, clowning other people... the regular. Thrown in the mix of the conversation was how we would actually miss each other when the day was over. He jokingly asked "Are you gonna cry?" "Hell naw!" I said. We laughed.
He admitted that he was pulling away... He hadn't been calling. I had to call him. We hadn't really talk for as long as we used to. I could understand why. We had gotten used to each other, developed a habit of being in touch. Our breakup was amicable. In fact we didn't even talk about it formally, we just didn't talk the next day, and the day after... It's been a week now.
Before the breakup we evaluated each other. He told me that I was not fully into the relationship. I was so caught up in the experiment factor of the relationship, I missed out on the opportunity to really experience the relationship. He also mentioned that I could have been a little more "affectionate" (I let you think about what that means). I told him that he did everything that I needed for the experiment to be a good experience. I have no complaints.
The lesson from this is, taking the time to experience something that you have not is a chance to take in order to grow. Relationships are scary. Practicing with someone in a controlled situation is a great way to get yourself ready for what you want. Its just the right amount of vulnerability to shock your heart and mind. Just the right amount of time to have some great moments with someone you care about. The right opportunity to be open, without worry of hurt, or unexpected desertion from someone.
I loved it.
.... The cutest thing about it, is having him tell me that he misses me a little bit about 4 days after the breakup. I miss him too. I just know our friendship will be stronger because of this.
So many people have asked me about doing a practice boyfriend experiment. I'd love to share my story. Maybe others will gain something special like I did.
Thursday, March 05, 2009
I'm a sad person... Melancholy
i read my posts and i see that i am such a sad person. i have had heartbreak with men and life issues and just a lot of things going on that make me sad. but there are a lot of things that make me happy... why don't i talk about those things? no clue. i will make an effort to be more peppy... or at least balance all the cloudy things in my life with the sunny things.
just a thought.
just a thought.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
The Practice Boyfriend Experiment
Background: I have been single for about seven years. In that time, I have been involved with men, but not in a relationship with them. So I have become accustomed to doing what I want when I want without regard for too many people. Life has been okay that way. It wasn't until I was charged up by my guy friend about not letting him know I had made it home from being out of town for the second time in one month, that I realized: I might not know how to be a good girlfriend, because I have not had to be considerate of someone in a long time.
Clarification: Don't be appalled, I am not a real rude person or anything like that. I have called some people to let the know I've made it home or to let them know I'm okay... but even in those instances... I might have had to set a reminder to do so. I just forget and I know that I am okay, so I don't think that I need to tell anyone else. It sounds worse that what it is... I think.
Experiment: My guy friend said that if he were we to make me his girl, he already knows that I wouldn't listen to him because I forgot to let him know I made it (for the second time). I told him that I didn't know how to be considerate and that I would need to practice being a girlfriend in order to be prepared for the real deal. He said okay and we agreed to be boyfriend-girlfriend (bfgf) for the month of February.
Rules: We talk everyday. We talk about more than just our day. We see each other at least once in the month. We claim each other in front of friends and family. Being physical (optional). Pet names (a nice touch). Respectful of TV shows and sports (a must).
Caution: For anyone trying this, you should make sure you do this with someone you don't want to be with. Not someone you are trying to trick into being with you. This is practice. Period.
First Week: We talked and emailed a lot. We laughed and joked on the phone and expressed what would be difficult about actually having a relationship. For him it was expressing his feelings. For me it would be being considerate and not looking for the worst to happen. As I talked with my "bf", I learned a lot about his past relationships and what he thinks about the future. We shared some childhood stories and just became closer.
Second Week: Still talking everyday. I am telling more people about my boyfriend. Some know that he is practice others just know that I have a boyfriend. At this point, I am really liking the fact that I can say "I have a boyfriend" or "My boyfriend called me" It's really fun. My boyfriend said that we need to see each other at least once in the month. He made plans for us to hang out on Valentine's Day. I had already bought him a card and mailed it to him. I drove to Dallas to hang out with him. We had a great time. For anyone asking, no, we did not do anything physical. We went on a nice date, hung out with some of his friends, talked and then we went to sleep. In the morning, we cooked breakfast together, ate and watched movies. Again, nothing physical. Also for those who are asking: No he is not gay. Yes, he probably would have done something... I am really cute. Anyways, we chilled. I left and made to let him know I made it back. I am so glad I went.
Third Week: We've continued to talk everyday. I realized that I might be a little sad that we'll have to break up soon. I've enjoyed learning more about someone that I've been calling my homeboy. He's really more of a friend now because of what I learned. I stereotype a lot and even though he is what I thought of him, I am accepting that he is so much more than that. He's nice and sweet. He is caring and generous. Funny and willing to try things. Respectful and just a cool guy. If you're asking: No, we will not be extending our month together.
Fourth Week: So now we are in our fourth and final week. Sigh... I think this would have been harder if we lived in the same city. Not impossible... just harder. I told him that I would be sad that it will be over. He said that he would be sad too. But hey... I can say that I had a successful relationship. No drama, no heartbreak... Just a mutual parting after a mutual joining.
The conclusion to come soon...
Clarification: Don't be appalled, I am not a real rude person or anything like that. I have called some people to let the know I've made it home or to let them know I'm okay... but even in those instances... I might have had to set a reminder to do so. I just forget and I know that I am okay, so I don't think that I need to tell anyone else. It sounds worse that what it is... I think.
Experiment: My guy friend said that if he were we to make me his girl, he already knows that I wouldn't listen to him because I forgot to let him know I made it (for the second time). I told him that I didn't know how to be considerate and that I would need to practice being a girlfriend in order to be prepared for the real deal. He said okay and we agreed to be boyfriend-girlfriend (bfgf) for the month of February.
Rules: We talk everyday. We talk about more than just our day. We see each other at least once in the month. We claim each other in front of friends and family. Being physical (optional). Pet names (a nice touch). Respectful of TV shows and sports (a must).
Caution: For anyone trying this, you should make sure you do this with someone you don't want to be with. Not someone you are trying to trick into being with you. This is practice. Period.
First Week: We talked and emailed a lot. We laughed and joked on the phone and expressed what would be difficult about actually having a relationship. For him it was expressing his feelings. For me it would be being considerate and not looking for the worst to happen. As I talked with my "bf", I learned a lot about his past relationships and what he thinks about the future. We shared some childhood stories and just became closer.
Second Week: Still talking everyday. I am telling more people about my boyfriend. Some know that he is practice others just know that I have a boyfriend. At this point, I am really liking the fact that I can say "I have a boyfriend" or "My boyfriend called me" It's really fun. My boyfriend said that we need to see each other at least once in the month. He made plans for us to hang out on Valentine's Day. I had already bought him a card and mailed it to him. I drove to Dallas to hang out with him. We had a great time. For anyone asking, no, we did not do anything physical. We went on a nice date, hung out with some of his friends, talked and then we went to sleep. In the morning, we cooked breakfast together, ate and watched movies. Again, nothing physical. Also for those who are asking: No he is not gay. Yes, he probably would have done something... I am really cute. Anyways, we chilled. I left and made to let him know I made it back. I am so glad I went.
Third Week: We've continued to talk everyday. I realized that I might be a little sad that we'll have to break up soon. I've enjoyed learning more about someone that I've been calling my homeboy. He's really more of a friend now because of what I learned. I stereotype a lot and even though he is what I thought of him, I am accepting that he is so much more than that. He's nice and sweet. He is caring and generous. Funny and willing to try things. Respectful and just a cool guy. If you're asking: No, we will not be extending our month together.
Fourth Week: So now we are in our fourth and final week. Sigh... I think this would have been harder if we lived in the same city. Not impossible... just harder. I told him that I would be sad that it will be over. He said that he would be sad too. But hey... I can say that I had a successful relationship. No drama, no heartbreak... Just a mutual parting after a mutual joining.
The conclusion to come soon...
I know it's been a while...
I really thought that I would have bought a diary by now. I went a whole year without writing anything about my life. Sure I did a little poetry, but I really didn't do much. I let all of 2008 slip by it seems. Now that I'm in a new year, I see that writing what's going on in my life definitely helps me keep tabs on my feelings and where my emotions are pulling me.
Lately I have been in a state of blah... I just don't feel too strongly about anything. I don't feel depressed, excited, motivated, hurt, happy... nothing really. Of course there are discreet moments when I am happy... sad... mad... etc. But as an overall feeling of something, I don't have it. It's weird. I leads me to believe I am in a state of transition. I am going to have to make some definite decisions in my life in order to move forward. Changes regarding my faith, my body, my relationships... everything.
I can no longer let life happen to me. I can't.
What I have noticed is that I have not allowed myself to sit somewhere and think about what I need to focus on. Like I'm avoiding it. That sounds like me. I mean even a simple list of things to pray for would be nice... but then I would have to address these things. Sigh... I don't know why I am making it so difficult. What's always resounding in my head is "Don't let another year go by without doing something memorable."
I'm going to settle down and face what I'm avoiding soon. I can't continue like this.
Lately I have been in a state of blah... I just don't feel too strongly about anything. I don't feel depressed, excited, motivated, hurt, happy... nothing really. Of course there are discreet moments when I am happy... sad... mad... etc. But as an overall feeling of something, I don't have it. It's weird. I leads me to believe I am in a state of transition. I am going to have to make some definite decisions in my life in order to move forward. Changes regarding my faith, my body, my relationships... everything.
I can no longer let life happen to me. I can't.
What I have noticed is that I have not allowed myself to sit somewhere and think about what I need to focus on. Like I'm avoiding it. That sounds like me. I mean even a simple list of things to pray for would be nice... but then I would have to address these things. Sigh... I don't know why I am making it so difficult. What's always resounding in my head is "Don't let another year go by without doing something memorable."
I'm going to settle down and face what I'm avoiding soon. I can't continue like this.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
When you clean house...it's easy to see things...
Some of these things don't really need to be seen or received though.
Sometimes, these are things that are keeping you from being focused: the whole reason for cleaning house in the first place.
Okay, what am I talking about? I am talking about actually entertaining the flirts of someone who I determined was wrong a long time ago. No, not any of the ones I have mentioned before; this one is someone who did not even make that cut. What I enjoy is the attention and the aggressiveness and that it is very funny...BUT, at some point I started to think: Hmm, maybe this could turn into something worth looking at...something that I should consider if the pieces fell right.
WHAT AM I THINKING??? I don't know. I feel like now that I have gotten rid of all the others, for real this time (side note: I have not been emotionally involved with anyone in a LONG time...for me that's like 7 months, I am proud of me) that I have all this room for someone real...or in this case, someone who is there.
What's wrong with him? Plenty. When I think of my ideal guy, the person that I feel God would place me with, it's not him at all. At all! I have tried to throw out the possiblilty of an us with my friends (mutual ones) to see what their reaction is. All of them are like "Yeah, right, him...whatever...he's a mess and not right" So, I am like cool. I receive that...I got that. BUT then I think...(thinking gets me in trouble)...maybe it could be...like that last to be suspected turns out to be the culprit. I'm reaching, I know. REACHING. So, I chatted with him the other night and tried to see where his head is. It's not in the right place where I would feel comfortable having a relationship with him. He's funny...hilarious even, I enjoyed our conversation. I guess that's it.
I had to get another test to get me focused...get my game face on. So I brought him up with my mother. She was like "OH NO, we do not like him! You need someone else. He has too much going on." She's right. Considering where I am going (trying to go in life) and where he is, they are not in the same direction. I can not get emotionally caught up when I JUST cleaned house of the ignorance I had before. That would be fatalistic and stupid. So, now that I have that clarification. I am good. Mom's know. I needed to hear it from her.
So it is what it is.
I am sure when it is right, I want have so many questions, not a lot of concerns and fears of being with the guy. It will be easy and it will flow. No confusion. I hope...
Just thought I would share. So now...the task will be to stop talking about him like I have a crush. Cause, that's all it is. A crush...no substance. I obsess over possibilities and I make them bigger than what they are I make them real. Even when they shouldn't be.
I'm crazy.
Sometimes, these are things that are keeping you from being focused: the whole reason for cleaning house in the first place.
Okay, what am I talking about? I am talking about actually entertaining the flirts of someone who I determined was wrong a long time ago. No, not any of the ones I have mentioned before; this one is someone who did not even make that cut. What I enjoy is the attention and the aggressiveness and that it is very funny...BUT, at some point I started to think: Hmm, maybe this could turn into something worth looking at...something that I should consider if the pieces fell right.
WHAT AM I THINKING??? I don't know. I feel like now that I have gotten rid of all the others, for real this time (side note: I have not been emotionally involved with anyone in a LONG time...for me that's like 7 months, I am proud of me) that I have all this room for someone real...or in this case, someone who is there.
What's wrong with him? Plenty. When I think of my ideal guy, the person that I feel God would place me with, it's not him at all. At all! I have tried to throw out the possiblilty of an us with my friends (mutual ones) to see what their reaction is. All of them are like "Yeah, right, him...whatever...he's a mess and not right" So, I am like cool. I receive that...I got that. BUT then I think...(thinking gets me in trouble)...maybe it could be...like that last to be suspected turns out to be the culprit. I'm reaching, I know. REACHING. So, I chatted with him the other night and tried to see where his head is. It's not in the right place where I would feel comfortable having a relationship with him. He's funny...hilarious even, I enjoyed our conversation. I guess that's it.
I had to get another test to get me focused...get my game face on. So I brought him up with my mother. She was like "OH NO, we do not like him! You need someone else. He has too much going on." She's right. Considering where I am going (trying to go in life) and where he is, they are not in the same direction. I can not get emotionally caught up when I JUST cleaned house of the ignorance I had before. That would be fatalistic and stupid. So, now that I have that clarification. I am good. Mom's know. I needed to hear it from her.
So it is what it is.
I am sure when it is right, I want have so many questions, not a lot of concerns and fears of being with the guy. It will be easy and it will flow. No confusion. I hope...
Just thought I would share. So now...the task will be to stop talking about him like I have a crush. Cause, that's all it is. A crush...no substance. I obsess over possibilities and I make them bigger than what they are I make them real. Even when they shouldn't be.
I'm crazy.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Two to Three Weeks
that's about how long a dude lasts in my life...i realize i have some fatalistic thinking about relationships...but that's just how things have happened...
now if you look at the history of my encounters with men there are several that have lasted longer that that. i mean these dudes have lasted for years...taking up space in my heart and making me feel like i am not going to ever get with someone who truly wants to be with me.
it's just that lately, i have had these run ins with men who are interested (one i was interested in) and they don't last long at all. don't feel bad, i am thankful that they don't last. i'd rather them be gone instead of hanging around taking up space...space that my boo should be in. i actual prayed for this to happen. it's just funny how it has come to pass.
one dude, was interested in me. we hung out and he seemed cool. not the one for me to be with is what i thought right off the bat. i just always feel that way...i decided that i was jumping the gun and i should give the guy a chance. my mom says i am too mean to men and she would hate for my brothers to deal with a woman like me...nice. anyways, he and i hang out and it's pretty cool. not a lot of communication but that's fine, because i am busy. well my birthday comes and he does not even call me let alone come to my birthday dinner. that is a NO NO to me. i don't hear from him until a week later and he asks me if i got some... SOME...some what??? needless to say we don't talk anymore. it might have had something to do with the fact that his homey and i might have had something to do with each other and he picked up on it...but what i had with ol' boy was long ago and oh so far away...anyways, we are on a hi and bye basis now...which is great with me
the last dude, i went after...i know i know...leave the men alone...but he is FINE...sorry. i just wanted to be wrapped up in his arms...his strong muscular arms...mmmmm, just tasty. well clearly he is not worried about me, because there has been no initiation of contact in his part...just me. i can take a hint...i'm not tripping about it. whenever i see him...i'll say hello. he might have another chick or two...i still want to hug on him...LOL!
this most recent dude...i hate to say it, but I ALREADY KNOW it won't last. one, he's a larger that what i would like to deal with. two, i'm not sure if we are compatible on our views of sex...i'm sure he wants it ans doesn't mind doing it...i would like to wait. three, i feel like he could really like me and i would have to break it to him that i am not interested. i'm not really interested...we can hang, but i don't want to be with him...so even though he knows about the 2-3 week time limit (he put a reminder in his phone) it does not make him immune to it. poor men.
my hope is that when the dude i really need to be with comes into my life i will know...like really KNOW...if it is so easy for me to know when a dude is not right, shouldn't i be able to know when he is right? that's the hope. it's not all about men...
i am involved with another entertainment group...at some point this needs to turn profitable for me. i want to be heavily involved with the groups, but i do have a real job...*sigh* i'm feeling like i need to take a step back and see what my purpose is...i thought i knew, or had some revelation on it...now...not so much. i need to think on this...pray on this...something.
that's about it...might have a poem or something soon.
now if you look at the history of my encounters with men there are several that have lasted longer that that. i mean these dudes have lasted for years...taking up space in my heart and making me feel like i am not going to ever get with someone who truly wants to be with me.
it's just that lately, i have had these run ins with men who are interested (one i was interested in) and they don't last long at all. don't feel bad, i am thankful that they don't last. i'd rather them be gone instead of hanging around taking up space...space that my boo should be in. i actual prayed for this to happen. it's just funny how it has come to pass.
one dude, was interested in me. we hung out and he seemed cool. not the one for me to be with is what i thought right off the bat. i just always feel that way...i decided that i was jumping the gun and i should give the guy a chance. my mom says i am too mean to men and she would hate for my brothers to deal with a woman like me...nice. anyways, he and i hang out and it's pretty cool. not a lot of communication but that's fine, because i am busy. well my birthday comes and he does not even call me let alone come to my birthday dinner. that is a NO NO to me. i don't hear from him until a week later and he asks me if i got some... SOME...some what??? needless to say we don't talk anymore. it might have had something to do with the fact that his homey and i might have had something to do with each other and he picked up on it...but what i had with ol' boy was long ago and oh so far away...anyways, we are on a hi and bye basis now...which is great with me
the last dude, i went after...i know i know...leave the men alone...but he is FINE...sorry. i just wanted to be wrapped up in his arms...his strong muscular arms...mmmmm, just tasty. well clearly he is not worried about me, because there has been no initiation of contact in his part...just me. i can take a hint...i'm not tripping about it. whenever i see him...i'll say hello. he might have another chick or two...i still want to hug on him...LOL!
this most recent dude...i hate to say it, but I ALREADY KNOW it won't last. one, he's a larger that what i would like to deal with. two, i'm not sure if we are compatible on our views of sex...i'm sure he wants it ans doesn't mind doing it...i would like to wait. three, i feel like he could really like me and i would have to break it to him that i am not interested. i'm not really interested...we can hang, but i don't want to be with him...so even though he knows about the 2-3 week time limit (he put a reminder in his phone) it does not make him immune to it. poor men.
my hope is that when the dude i really need to be with comes into my life i will know...like really KNOW...if it is so easy for me to know when a dude is not right, shouldn't i be able to know when he is right? that's the hope. it's not all about men...
i am involved with another entertainment group...at some point this needs to turn profitable for me. i want to be heavily involved with the groups, but i do have a real job...*sigh* i'm feeling like i need to take a step back and see what my purpose is...i thought i knew, or had some revelation on it...now...not so much. i need to think on this...pray on this...something.
that's about it...might have a poem or something soon.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
It's my birthday...
i'm growner today.
i am thankful for another year. a lot has happened in a year, and it's nice to know that you have people in your life who will take the time to be real with you. i have plenty of that.
God has been great, even though i have been feeling pretty distant from Him. like i just have not felt the urge to just be all for Him...i'm in a very superficial state right now. i'm truly thankful, but it's something i question (i know it's confusing) because i don't FEEL it. you know what i mean?
i had an encounter with someone who is cool, but i don't have any certainty with him...so it feels like i should just leave it alone...which i can do.
i have a job that i really like. i mean i really like what i do, and that i am appreciated and i feel like i can actually move up in the company, or at least make contacts to move up somewhere else. things are nice. i don't feel old...i did think..."it would be crazy if i woke up with gray hair and arthiritis all of a sudden...no gray...joints feel nice.
so tonight i am having a birthday thing. i am glad that my friend set it up and is really making sure that she contacts who i asked. nice. i had a grand vision of how i wanted it to go... 50 people at the restaurant enjoying themselves, laughing talking and eating. singing happy birthday and really feeling like they want to be there, because it's me...the main thing that will be different tonight from my fantasy is the number of people. it will be more like 15. ehh, i guess that's okay. better then none, right? oh, and i hoped for people from out of town to come...mainly my best friend and maybe my mom and some others...that would be HOT!
people think i'll be celebrating into the weekend...i don't know about that...i might...buy another pair of shoes or something...hang out with friends...chill and reflect on my life and how blessed i am.
i know that i am blessed. i wish my heart would feel open enough to really accept that. i think i might cry a lot if it opens up. i need to not be afraid to cry. i want to be open...i can do it!! i think...
well, i guess i should work now.
i am thankful for another year. a lot has happened in a year, and it's nice to know that you have people in your life who will take the time to be real with you. i have plenty of that.
God has been great, even though i have been feeling pretty distant from Him. like i just have not felt the urge to just be all for Him...i'm in a very superficial state right now. i'm truly thankful, but it's something i question (i know it's confusing) because i don't FEEL it. you know what i mean?
i had an encounter with someone who is cool, but i don't have any certainty with him...so it feels like i should just leave it alone...which i can do.
i have a job that i really like. i mean i really like what i do, and that i am appreciated and i feel like i can actually move up in the company, or at least make contacts to move up somewhere else. things are nice. i don't feel old...i did think..."it would be crazy if i woke up with gray hair and arthiritis all of a sudden...no gray...joints feel nice.
so tonight i am having a birthday thing. i am glad that my friend set it up and is really making sure that she contacts who i asked. nice. i had a grand vision of how i wanted it to go... 50 people at the restaurant enjoying themselves, laughing talking and eating. singing happy birthday and really feeling like they want to be there, because it's me...the main thing that will be different tonight from my fantasy is the number of people. it will be more like 15. ehh, i guess that's okay. better then none, right? oh, and i hoped for people from out of town to come...mainly my best friend and maybe my mom and some others...that would be HOT!
people think i'll be celebrating into the weekend...i don't know about that...i might...buy another pair of shoes or something...hang out with friends...chill and reflect on my life and how blessed i am.
i know that i am blessed. i wish my heart would feel open enough to really accept that. i think i might cry a lot if it opens up. i need to not be afraid to cry. i want to be open...i can do it!! i think...
well, i guess i should work now.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
This is what I read in DC...
When I wrote this, I was in a very upset place...frustrated and ready for something to just happen so I could let the situation go. It's gone, but the poem is still HOT!!:
Lie to Me
I sat before you stared in your eyes, those sexy sparkling eyes, begging you to lie to me.
Beautiful Love, lie to me.
Paint me a picture of a harsh reality that will explain the hurt I suffer.
The truth you claim to live and the truth I see don’t match. Something has to change.
Lie to me.
Tell me you love her.
That her smile is what keeps you warm when the world has turned its back on you.
She brings you heaven when you make love to her.
Everyone else is a strange place because she is home.
Beautiful Love, cut me with your lies.
Smile with your sexy sparkling eyes while I bleed out the truth of what we used to have,
when I was your only love.
Lie to me.
Take my hand and lead me to the place where you first told her you loved her.
Point at the impression your knee left in the ground as you promised your fidelity.
Make me stand in her place so I can feel the ghost of that moment possess me.
Let it distort my view and make me believe for a second that it was me that you were proposing to.
Then snatch me out of the happiness you two shared. Shake me back to reality and declare
“This will never be you.”
Beautiful Love, lie to me.
Snuff out the candle of hope that I burning for us.
I need you to degrade my emotions. Strip them of any dignity. Make a mockery of my love for you.
Tell me your heart will never recognize mine. Your skin will never melt under my touch.
I’m pleading with you. Just lie to me.
Beautiful Love
The truth is much worse than the lies.
The truth traps my heart, holds it captive and tortures it with possibility.
The truth drips reciprocation of my love on my heart like Chinese water torture.
It sinks the thoughts of other loves like chained slaves that were pushed overboard in the Atlantic.
That evil sadistic truth draws me to you like a gorgeous butterfly to a deadly fire.
The truth that you love me but can’t be with me does not soothe the pain.
I thought the truth was supposed to set me free. It was supposed to help me maintain my sanity.
Beautiful Love, your lies are the only thing that can save me.
Don’t even tell me you are doing this for my own good, because I’ll mistake that as you caring for me.
I can’t handle that.
Your sexy sparkling eyes must grow dull at the site of me.
Your skin must crawl when you are in close proximity to me.
I need to believe you loathe me.
Please.
Soon, I’ll being to believe those lies.
I’ll forget the day you told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to you.
The nights of intimacy we shared will seem like dreams of a time in my life that I hope will come, not one that has already passed.
My Beautiful Love, soon I’ll hate you…no…I’ll become indifferent to you.
Indifference is the true opposite of love.
You will become foreign to my heart.
Your touch will be cold to me.
Your smile will reflect nothing more than a smile, instead of the lifetime we shared in our kiss.
No longer will my hope for us be manipulated by your truth.
Your lies will make two plus two equal four again.
Beautiful Love, I need you to lie to me.
Release my heart and return my sanity.
Degrade my hope and cut down my love for you.
Lie to me Beautiful Love with those sexy sparkling eyes
And break my heart for good.
Lie to Me
I sat before you stared in your eyes, those sexy sparkling eyes, begging you to lie to me.
Beautiful Love, lie to me.
Paint me a picture of a harsh reality that will explain the hurt I suffer.
The truth you claim to live and the truth I see don’t match. Something has to change.
Lie to me.
Tell me you love her.
That her smile is what keeps you warm when the world has turned its back on you.
She brings you heaven when you make love to her.
Everyone else is a strange place because she is home.
Beautiful Love, cut me with your lies.
Smile with your sexy sparkling eyes while I bleed out the truth of what we used to have,
when I was your only love.
Lie to me.
Take my hand and lead me to the place where you first told her you loved her.
Point at the impression your knee left in the ground as you promised your fidelity.
Make me stand in her place so I can feel the ghost of that moment possess me.
Let it distort my view and make me believe for a second that it was me that you were proposing to.
Then snatch me out of the happiness you two shared. Shake me back to reality and declare
“This will never be you.”
Beautiful Love, lie to me.
Snuff out the candle of hope that I burning for us.
I need you to degrade my emotions. Strip them of any dignity. Make a mockery of my love for you.
Tell me your heart will never recognize mine. Your skin will never melt under my touch.
I’m pleading with you. Just lie to me.
Beautiful Love
The truth is much worse than the lies.
The truth traps my heart, holds it captive and tortures it with possibility.
The truth drips reciprocation of my love on my heart like Chinese water torture.
It sinks the thoughts of other loves like chained slaves that were pushed overboard in the Atlantic.
That evil sadistic truth draws me to you like a gorgeous butterfly to a deadly fire.
The truth that you love me but can’t be with me does not soothe the pain.
I thought the truth was supposed to set me free. It was supposed to help me maintain my sanity.
Beautiful Love, your lies are the only thing that can save me.
Don’t even tell me you are doing this for my own good, because I’ll mistake that as you caring for me.
I can’t handle that.
Your sexy sparkling eyes must grow dull at the site of me.
Your skin must crawl when you are in close proximity to me.
I need to believe you loathe me.
Please.
Soon, I’ll being to believe those lies.
I’ll forget the day you told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to you.
The nights of intimacy we shared will seem like dreams of a time in my life that I hope will come, not one that has already passed.
My Beautiful Love, soon I’ll hate you…no…I’ll become indifferent to you.
Indifference is the true opposite of love.
You will become foreign to my heart.
Your touch will be cold to me.
Your smile will reflect nothing more than a smile, instead of the lifetime we shared in our kiss.
No longer will my hope for us be manipulated by your truth.
Your lies will make two plus two equal four again.
Beautiful Love, I need you to lie to me.
Release my heart and return my sanity.
Degrade my hope and cut down my love for you.
Lie to me Beautiful Love with those sexy sparkling eyes
And break my heart for good.
So, you wanna try something new...
well, here's an update... i went to dc and had a blast. i hope to do it again next year. i did poetry there at busboys and poets, funtimes. i've had a couple of encounters with a dude who showed interest in me. he's cool, but i'm pretty sure he won't be my man. which leads me to what's on my mind...
i have a very self defeatist attitude about dating and the men who i am dating. technically, i'm not dating anyone, i've just hung out with the dude. but, my friends said that they don't want to date just to be dating. i'm thinking...why not... i mean, i'm not exclusive with anyone, so why not get to know someone. i'm not ready for marriage and i think that i need to be around some dudes and handle the situation better with them before i am ready to just be with someone. this current dude and the next few, i'm pretty sure won't be my man...definitely not husband material, not for me. i know, self defeating...but it's how i feel. the question arose...have you asked God about this? umm...no i haven't. so should i not go out with anyone? should i stay to myself until i see i guy i think would be husband material...how would i find that out? by being friends with the dude...i hang out with the same people and anyone else that i meet i will probably have to "date" in order to get to know them...i can't stay with the church crowd...it's slightly dysfunctional and it hinders my ability to meet men...i don't want anyone that i hang out with now. so, most likely any man i meet i will have to get to know in the context of hanging out with him without the pressure of getting to a relationship in order to know what he's about, which is what i feel i'm doing.
so...in the process of hanging out, going out on dates with these men...i am pretty sure i am going to go through a couple of them before i end up with "boo". i felt like my friends were pointing out the flaws in my ideas of dating as to say "you are going to get used up by dealing with these men and you will be in the same position you were in before" HOW am i supposed to get to boo, without going through the fools? now God can make anything happen. i can go without dating anyone and then when it's time, i meet and marry the next one i get involved with...very possible. i like to hang out, and i will hang out, i will not be all up under, or trying to make something with someone. i am just going to hang out. if it's something that should be something then it will come. my friend felt like i could be giving guys the wrong impression by hanging out with them and they will think it's going somewhere and i don't feel that way. well...things will not move that fast. we would have talked before then. sex won't happen, so i won't have that soul tie...
all i'm trying to say is that if a dude wants to get to know me, then let's get to know each other...no pressure, no expectations, just hanging out. if the chemistry and timing are there, then it will pop off...i am just doubtful that it will be in the next few situations i'm in.
the current one...he's older, previously married and while he's cool...i don't think he's who i need to marry...i just don't. my problem comes from when i KNOW that and i keep going. i guess since i think i know what it is, i should leave him alone, huh? you're right, i should. well, i am going to leave it alone. what's wrong with him, nothing...he's just not my husband. period.
there's another guy that i was previously involved with who ended up with a girlfriend and i was not happy with it, but i left him alone. we are still cool, and now he's moving. we have nice convo...but, there's something about him that makes me think we would be nice together...i don't think that he thinks that. it crosses my mind though. i might have to go visit him. he wants to be thought of as a one night stand right now. not a healthy thing for me to get involved with.
i just don't want the heartache i had before. is that too much to ask? i feel like i'm aware enough to avoid the mistakes i made before.
i have no idea what i'm doing, this sucks...either be alone and wait, or hang out and see what happens...i want to see what happens. i know i was making sense today, but they felt like dating is pointless unless you feel they are someone to possibly marry. HOW WILL I KNOW THAT...without going out on dates? being friends...can there be friendly dates? and why can't i just know that the next few men that come around won't be my husband? i know the current is not it, the next...probably not. and these men i'm dating...it could be a one time thing...OK OK, i had a one time thing with this young dude...and with someone else...they to me kinda count as men i dated...went on dates with...that about three...that's why i think that the next few won't be the one, because it could be a very brief encounter...feel me?
*sigh* tiring. i make sense...forget them...
i have a very self defeatist attitude about dating and the men who i am dating. technically, i'm not dating anyone, i've just hung out with the dude. but, my friends said that they don't want to date just to be dating. i'm thinking...why not... i mean, i'm not exclusive with anyone, so why not get to know someone. i'm not ready for marriage and i think that i need to be around some dudes and handle the situation better with them before i am ready to just be with someone. this current dude and the next few, i'm pretty sure won't be my man...definitely not husband material, not for me. i know, self defeating...but it's how i feel. the question arose...have you asked God about this? umm...no i haven't. so should i not go out with anyone? should i stay to myself until i see i guy i think would be husband material...how would i find that out? by being friends with the dude...i hang out with the same people and anyone else that i meet i will probably have to "date" in order to get to know them...i can't stay with the church crowd...it's slightly dysfunctional and it hinders my ability to meet men...i don't want anyone that i hang out with now. so, most likely any man i meet i will have to get to know in the context of hanging out with him without the pressure of getting to a relationship in order to know what he's about, which is what i feel i'm doing.
so...in the process of hanging out, going out on dates with these men...i am pretty sure i am going to go through a couple of them before i end up with "boo". i felt like my friends were pointing out the flaws in my ideas of dating as to say "you are going to get used up by dealing with these men and you will be in the same position you were in before" HOW am i supposed to get to boo, without going through the fools? now God can make anything happen. i can go without dating anyone and then when it's time, i meet and marry the next one i get involved with...very possible. i like to hang out, and i will hang out, i will not be all up under, or trying to make something with someone. i am just going to hang out. if it's something that should be something then it will come. my friend felt like i could be giving guys the wrong impression by hanging out with them and they will think it's going somewhere and i don't feel that way. well...things will not move that fast. we would have talked before then. sex won't happen, so i won't have that soul tie...
all i'm trying to say is that if a dude wants to get to know me, then let's get to know each other...no pressure, no expectations, just hanging out. if the chemistry and timing are there, then it will pop off...i am just doubtful that it will be in the next few situations i'm in.
the current one...he's older, previously married and while he's cool...i don't think he's who i need to marry...i just don't. my problem comes from when i KNOW that and i keep going. i guess since i think i know what it is, i should leave him alone, huh? you're right, i should. well, i am going to leave it alone. what's wrong with him, nothing...he's just not my husband. period.
there's another guy that i was previously involved with who ended up with a girlfriend and i was not happy with it, but i left him alone. we are still cool, and now he's moving. we have nice convo...but, there's something about him that makes me think we would be nice together...i don't think that he thinks that. it crosses my mind though. i might have to go visit him. he wants to be thought of as a one night stand right now. not a healthy thing for me to get involved with.
i just don't want the heartache i had before. is that too much to ask? i feel like i'm aware enough to avoid the mistakes i made before.
i have no idea what i'm doing, this sucks...either be alone and wait, or hang out and see what happens...i want to see what happens. i know i was making sense today, but they felt like dating is pointless unless you feel they are someone to possibly marry. HOW WILL I KNOW THAT...without going out on dates? being friends...can there be friendly dates? and why can't i just know that the next few men that come around won't be my husband? i know the current is not it, the next...probably not. and these men i'm dating...it could be a one time thing...OK OK, i had a one time thing with this young dude...and with someone else...they to me kinda count as men i dated...went on dates with...that about three...that's why i think that the next few won't be the one, because it could be a very brief encounter...feel me?
*sigh* tiring. i make sense...forget them...
Monday, June 18, 2007
AHA!!
i'm tired. my heart is tired again. someone said that they think it is stronger because of what i go through...okay i agree...but the getting stronger process hurts a bit. but i am definitely tired. i am glad that i have people to listen to me, encourage me, miss me... all that. my heart is hard again. i know it will soften up enough to let someone else in soon...but i have this urge in me to just write that off all together. i don't like feeling stupid, yet i put myself in situations where i am being very stupid. i need to prevent stuff instead of reacting to it. *sigh*...
i know, i know...i've been here for like a year now. I KNOW.
i'm having an "a-ha" moment... AHA!! i need to quit trippin and do what i need to do, not what i think will be okay, going for something and hoping it will be okay, but going for what is great, knowing that it will be okay. i know what's up, but something in me leads right into a pit....an emotional pit where there is no real way out, except to get hurt. that's crazy...insane! funny...in a sad way.
i feel better. pointing out my craziness feels good. i'm really smart...i just do stupid things.
i know, i know...i've been here for like a year now. I KNOW.
i'm having an "a-ha" moment... AHA!! i need to quit trippin and do what i need to do, not what i think will be okay, going for something and hoping it will be okay, but going for what is great, knowing that it will be okay. i know what's up, but something in me leads right into a pit....an emotional pit where there is no real way out, except to get hurt. that's crazy...insane! funny...in a sad way.
i feel better. pointing out my craziness feels good. i'm really smart...i just do stupid things.
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