Maybe I am transitioning right now...

Practice Boyfriend Experiment: The Conclusion

2009-03-05T18:43:00.000-08:00

Our final day together was a regular day for us. A lengthy conversation about randon things, sports, relationships, music, clowning other people... the regular. Thrown in the mix of the conversation was how we would actually miss each other when the day was over. He jokingly asked "Are you gonna cry?" "Hell naw!" I said. We laughed.
He admitted that he was pulling away... He hadn't been calling. I had to call him. We hadn't really talk for as long as we used to. I could understand why. We had gotten used to each other, developed a habit of being in touch. Our breakup was amicable. In fact we didn't even talk about it formally, we just didn't talk the next day, and the day after... It's been a week now.
Before the breakup we evaluated each other. He told me that I was not fully into the relationship. I was so caught up in the experiment factor of the relationship, I missed out on the opportunity to really experience the relationship. He also mentioned that I could have been a little more "affectionate" (I let you think about what that means). I told him that he did everything that I needed for the experiment to be a good experience. I have no complaints.

The lesson from this is, taking the time to experience something that you have not is a chance to take in order to grow. Relationships are scary. Practicing with someone in a controlled situation is a great way to get yourself ready for what you want. Its just the right amount of vulnerability to shock your heart and mind. Just the right amount of time to have some great moments with someone you care about. The right opportunity to be open, without worry of hurt, or unexpected desertion from someone.

I loved it.

.... The cutest thing about it, is having him tell me that he misses me a little bit about 4 days after the breakup. I miss him too. I just know our friendship will be stronger because of this.

So many people have asked me about doing a practice boyfriend experiment. I'd love to share my story. Maybe others will gain something special like I did.

I'm a sad person... Melancholy

2009-03-05T18:33:00.000-08:00

i read my posts and i see that i am such a sad person. i have had heartbreak with men and life issues and just a lot of things going on that make me sad. but there are a lot of things that make me happy... why don't i talk about those things? no clue. i will make an effort to be more peppy... or at least balance all the cloudy things in my life with the sunny things.

just a thought.

The Practice Boyfriend Experiment

2009-02-22T19:20:00.001-08:00

Background: I have been single for about seven years. In that time, I have been involved with men, but not in a relationship with them. So I have become accustomed to doing what I want when I want without regard for too many people. Life has been okay that way. It wasn't until I was charged up by my guy friend about not letting him know I had made it home from being out of town for the second time in one month, that I realized: I might not know how to be a good girlfriend, because I have not had to be considerate of someone in a long time.

Clarification: Don't be appalled, I am not a real rude person or anything like that. I have called some people to let the know I've made it home or to let them know I'm okay... but even in those instances... I might have had to set a reminder to do so. I just forget and I know that I am okay, so I don't think that I need to tell anyone else. It sounds worse that what it is... I think.

Experiment: My guy friend said that if he were we to make me his girl, he already knows that I wouldn't listen to him because I forgot to let him know I made it (for the second time). I told him that I didn't know how to be considerate and that I would need to practice being a girlfriend in order to be prepared for the real deal. He said okay and we agreed to be boyfriend-girlfriend (bfgf) for the month of February.

Rules: We talk everyday. We talk about more than just our day. We see each other at least once in the month. We claim each other in front of friends and family. Being physical (optional). Pet names (a nice touch). Respectful of TV shows and sports (a must).

Caution: For anyone trying this, you should make sure you do this with someone you don't want to be with. Not someone you are trying to trick into being with you. This is practice. Period.

First Week: We talked and emailed a lot. We laughed and joked on the phone and expressed what would be difficult about actually having a relationship. For him it was expressing his feelings. For me it would be being considerate and not looking for the worst to happen. As I talked with my "bf", I learned a lot about his past relationships and what he thinks about the future. We shared some childhood stories and just became closer.

Second Week: Still talking everyday. I am telling more people about my boyfriend. Some know that he is practice others just know that I have a boyfriend. At this point, I am really liking the fact that I can say "I have a boyfriend" or "My boyfriend called me" It's really fun. My boyfriend said that we need to see each other at least once in the month. He made plans for us to hang out on Valentine's Day. I had already bought him a card and mailed it to him. I drove to Dallas to hang out with him. We had a great time. For anyone asking, no, we did not do anything physical. We went on a nice date, hung out with some of his friends, talked and then we went to sleep. In the morning, we cooked breakfast together, ate and watched movies. Again, nothing physical. Also for those who are asking: No he is not gay. Yes, he probably would have done something... I am really cute. Anyways, we chilled. I left and made to let him know I made it back. I am so glad I went.

Third Week: We've continued to talk everyday. I realized that I might be a little sad that we'll have to break up soon. I've enjoyed learning more about someone that I've been calling my homeboy. He's really more of a friend now because of what I learned. I stereotype a lot and even though he is what I thought of him, I am accepting that he is so much more than that. He's nice and sweet. He is caring and generous. Funny and willing to try things. Respectful and just a cool guy. If you're asking: No, we will not be extending our month together.

Fourth Week: So now we are in our fourth and final week. Sigh... I think this would have been harder if we lived in the same city. Not impossible... just harder. I told him that I would be sad that it will be over. He said that he would be sad too. But hey... I can say that I had a successful relationship. No drama, no heartbreak... Just a mutual parting after a mutual joining.

The conclusion to come soon...

I know it's been a while...

2009-02-22T19:11:00.000-08:00

I really thought that I would have bought a diary by now. I went a whole year without writing anything about my life. Sure I did a little poetry, but I really didn't do much. I let all of 2008 slip by it seems. Now that I'm in a new year, I see that writing what's going on in my life definitely helps me keep tabs on my feelings and where my emotions are pulling me.
Lately I have been in a state of blah... I just don't feel too strongly about anything. I don't feel depressed, excited, motivated, hurt, happy... nothing really. Of course there are discreet moments when I am happy... sad... mad... etc. But as an overall feeling of something, I don't have it. It's weird. I leads me to believe I am in a state of transition. I am going to have to make some definite decisions in my life in order to move forward. Changes regarding my faith, my body, my relationships... everything.

I can no longer let life happen to me. I can't.

What I have noticed is that I have not allowed myself to sit somewhere and think about what I need to focus on. Like I'm avoiding it. That sounds like me. I mean even a simple list of things to pray for would be nice... but then I would have to address these things. Sigh... I don't know why I am making it so difficult. What's always resounding in my head is "Don't let another year go by without doing something memorable."

I'm going to settle down and face what I'm avoiding soon. I can't continue like this.

When you clean house...it's easy to see things...

2007-12-19T10:42:00.000-08:00

Some of these things don't really need to be seen or received though.
Sometimes, these are things that are keeping you from being focused: the whole reason for cleaning house in the first place.

Okay, what am I talking about? I am talking about actually entertaining the flirts of someone who I determined was wrong a long time ago. No, not any of the ones I have mentioned before; this one is someone who did not even make that cut. What I enjoy is the attention and the aggressiveness and that it is very funny...BUT, at some point I started to think: Hmm, maybe this could turn into something worth looking at...something that I should consider if the pieces fell right.
WHAT AM I THINKING??? I don't know. I feel like now that I have gotten rid of all the others, for real this time (side note: I have not been emotionally involved with anyone in a LONG time...for me that's like 7 months, I am proud of me) that I have all this room for someone real...or in this case, someone who is there.

What's wrong with him? Plenty. When I think of my ideal guy, the person that I feel God would place me with, it's not him at all. At all! I have tried to throw out the possiblilty of an us with my friends (mutual ones) to see what their reaction is. All of them are like "Yeah, right, him...whatever...he's a mess and not right" So, I am like cool. I receive that...I got that. BUT then I think...(thinking gets me in trouble)...maybe it could be...like that last to be suspected turns out to be the culprit. I'm reaching, I know. REACHING. So, I chatted with him the other night and tried to see where his head is. It's not in the right place where I would feel comfortable having a relationship with him. He's funny...hilarious even, I enjoyed our conversation. I guess that's it.
I had to get another test to get me focused...get my game face on. So I brought him up with my mother. She was like "OH NO, we do not like him! You need someone else. He has too much going on." She's right. Considering where I am going (trying to go in life) and where he is, they are not in the same direction. I can not get emotionally caught up when I JUST cleaned house of the ignorance I had before. That would be fatalistic and stupid. So, now that I have that clarification. I am good. Mom's know. I needed to hear it from her.

So it is what it is.

I am sure when it is right, I want have so many questions, not a lot of concerns and fears of being with the guy. It will be easy and it will flow. No confusion. I hope...

Just thought I would share. So now...the task will be to stop talking about him like I have a crush. Cause, that's all it is. A crush...no substance. I obsess over possibilities and I make them bigger than what they are I make them real. Even when they shouldn't be.

I'm crazy.

Two to Three Weeks

2007-09-02T19:18:00.000-07:00

that's about how long a dude lasts in my life...i realize i have some fatalistic thinking about relationships...but that's just how things have happened...
now if you look at the history of my encounters with men there are several that have lasted longer that that. i mean these dudes have lasted for years...taking up space in my heart and making me feel like i am not going to ever get with someone who truly wants to be with me.
it's just that lately, i have had these run ins with men who are interested (one i was interested in) and they don't last long at all. don't feel bad, i am thankful that they don't last. i'd rather them be gone instead of hanging around taking up space...space that my boo should be in. i actual prayed for this to happen. it's just funny how it has come to pass.
one dude, was interested in me. we hung out and he seemed cool. not the one for me to be with is what i thought right off the bat. i just always feel that way...i decided that i was jumping the gun and i should give the guy a chance. my mom says i am too mean to men and she would hate for my brothers to deal with a woman like me...nice. anyways, he and i hang out and it's pretty cool. not a lot of communication but that's fine, because i am busy. well my birthday comes and he does not even call me let alone come to my birthday dinner. that is a NO NO to me. i don't hear from him until a week later and he asks me if i got some... SOME...some what??? needless to say we don't talk anymore. it might have had something to do with the fact that his homey and i might have had something to do with each other and he picked up on it...but what i had with ol' boy was long ago and oh so far away...anyways, we are on a hi and bye basis now...which is great with me
the last dude, i went after...i know i know...leave the men alone...but he is FINE...sorry. i just wanted to be wrapped up in his arms...his strong muscular arms...mmmmm, just tasty. well clearly he is not worried about me, because there has been no initiation of contact in his part...just me. i can take a hint...i'm not tripping about it. whenever i see him...i'll say hello. he might have another chick or two...i still want to hug on him...LOL!
this most recent dude...i hate to say it, but I ALREADY KNOW it won't last. one, he's a larger that what i would like to deal with. two, i'm not sure if we are compatible on our views of sex...i'm sure he wants it ans doesn't mind doing it...i would like to wait. three, i feel like he could really like me and i would have to break it to him that i am not interested. i'm not really interested...we can hang, but i don't want to be with him...so even though he knows about the 2-3 week time limit (he put a reminder in his phone) it does not make him immune to it. poor men.

my hope is that when the dude i really need to be with comes into my life i will know...like really KNOW...if it is so easy for me to know when a dude is not right, shouldn't i be able to know when he is right? that's the hope. it's not all about men...

i am involved with another entertainment group...at some point this needs to turn profitable for me. i want to be heavily involved with the groups, but i do have a real job...*sigh* i'm feeling like i need to take a step back and see what my purpose is...i thought i knew, or had some revelation on it...now...not so much. i need to think on this...pray on this...something.

that's about it...might have a poem or something soon.

It's my birthday...

2007-08-01T07:36:00.000-07:00

i'm growner today.
i am thankful for another year. a lot has happened in a year, and it's nice to know that you have people in your life who will take the time to be real with you. i have plenty of that.
God has been great, even though i have been feeling pretty distant from Him. like i just have not felt the urge to just be all for Him...i'm in a very superficial state right now. i'm truly thankful, but it's something i question (i know it's confusing) because i don't FEEL it. you know what i mean?
i had an encounter with someone who is cool, but i don't have any certainty with him...so it feels like i should just leave it alone...which i can do.

i have a job that i really like. i mean i really like what i do, and that i am appreciated and i feel like i can actually move up in the company, or at least make contacts to move up somewhere else. things are nice. i don't feel old...i did think..."it would be crazy if i woke up with gray hair and arthiritis all of a sudden...no gray...joints feel nice.

so tonight i am having a birthday thing. i am glad that my friend set it up and is really making sure that she contacts who i asked. nice. i had a grand vision of how i wanted it to go... 50 people at the restaurant enjoying themselves, laughing talking and eating. singing happy birthday and really feeling like they want to be there, because it's me...the main thing that will be different tonight from my fantasy is the number of people. it will be more like 15. ehh, i guess that's okay. better then none, right? oh, and i hoped for people from out of town to come...mainly my best friend and maybe my mom and some others...that would be HOT!

people think i'll be celebrating into the weekend...i don't know about that...i might...buy another pair of shoes or something...hang out with friends...chill and reflect on my life and how blessed i am.
i know that i am blessed. i wish my heart would feel open enough to really accept that. i think i might cry a lot if it opens up. i need to not be afraid to cry. i want to be open...i can do it!! i think...

well, i guess i should work now.

This is what I read in DC...

2007-07-29T21:19:00.000-07:00

When I wrote this, I was in a very upset place...frustrated and ready for something to just happen so I could let the situation go. It's gone, but the poem is still HOT!!:

Lie to Me

I sat before you stared in your eyes, those sexy sparkling eyes, begging you to lie to me.

Beautiful Love, lie to me.

Paint me a picture of a harsh reality that will explain the hurt I suffer.
The truth you claim to live and the truth I see don’t match. Something has to change.

Lie to me.

Tell me you love her.
That her smile is what keeps you warm when the world has turned its back on you.
She brings you heaven when you make love to her.
Everyone else is a strange place because she is home.

Beautiful Love, cut me with your lies.

Smile with your sexy sparkling eyes while I bleed out the truth of what we used to have,
when I was your only love.

Lie to me.

Take my hand and lead me to the place where you first told her you loved her.
Point at the impression your knee left in the ground as you promised your fidelity.
Make me stand in her place so I can feel the ghost of that moment possess me.
Let it distort my view and make me believe for a second that it was me that you were proposing to.
Then snatch me out of the happiness you two shared. Shake me back to reality and declare

“This will never be you.”

Beautiful Love, lie to me.

Snuff out the candle of hope that I burning for us.
I need you to degrade my emotions. Strip them of any dignity. Make a mockery of my love for you.
Tell me your heart will never recognize mine. Your skin will never melt under my touch.
I’m pleading with you. Just lie to me.

Beautiful Love

The truth is much worse than the lies.
The truth traps my heart, holds it captive and tortures it with possibility.
The truth drips reciprocation of my love on my heart like Chinese water torture.
It sinks the thoughts of other loves like chained slaves that were pushed overboard in the Atlantic.

That evil sadistic truth draws me to you like a gorgeous butterfly to a deadly fire.
The truth that you love me but can’t be with me does not soothe the pain.
I thought the truth was supposed to set me free. It was supposed to help me maintain my sanity.
Beautiful Love, your lies are the only thing that can save me.

Don’t even tell me you are doing this for my own good, because I’ll mistake that as you caring for me.
I can’t handle that.
Your sexy sparkling eyes must grow dull at the site of me.
Your skin must crawl when you are in close proximity to me.
I need to believe you loathe me.

Please.

Soon, I’ll being to believe those lies.
I’ll forget the day you told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to you.
The nights of intimacy we shared will seem like dreams of a time in my life that I hope will come, not one that has already passed.

My Beautiful Love, soon I’ll hate you…no…I’ll become indifferent to you.

Indifference is the true opposite of love.
You will become foreign to my heart.
Your touch will be cold to me.
Your smile will reflect nothing more than a smile, instead of the lifetime we shared in our kiss.
No longer will my hope for us be manipulated by your truth.
Your lies will make two plus two equal four again.

Beautiful Love, I need you to lie to me.

Release my heart and return my sanity.
Degrade my hope and cut down my love for you.

Lie to me Beautiful Love with those sexy sparkling eyes

And break my heart for good.

So, you wanna try something new...

2007-07-29T20:46:00.000-07:00

well, here's an update... i went to dc and had a blast. i hope to do it again next year. i did poetry there at busboys and poets, funtimes. i've had a couple of encounters with a dude who showed interest in me. he's cool, but i'm pretty sure he won't be my man. which leads me to what's on my mind...

i have a very self defeatist attitude about dating and the men who i am dating. technically, i'm not dating anyone, i've just hung out with the dude. but, my friends said that they don't want to date just to be dating. i'm thinking...why not... i mean, i'm not exclusive with anyone, so why not get to know someone. i'm not ready for marriage and i think that i need to be around some dudes and handle the situation better with them before i am ready to just be with someone. this current dude and the next few, i'm pretty sure won't be my man...definitely not husband material, not for me. i know, self defeating...but it's how i feel. the question arose...have you asked God about this? umm...no i haven't. so should i not go out with anyone? should i stay to myself until i see i guy i think would be husband material...how would i find that out? by being friends with the dude...i hang out with the same people and anyone else that i meet i will probably have to "date" in order to get to know them...i can't stay with the church crowd...it's slightly dysfunctional and it hinders my ability to meet men...i don't want anyone that i hang out with now. so, most likely any man i meet i will have to get to know in the context of hanging out with him without the pressure of getting to a relationship in order to know what he's about, which is what i feel i'm doing.
so...in the process of hanging out, going out on dates with these men...i am pretty sure i am going to go through a couple of them before i end up with "boo". i felt like my friends were pointing out the flaws in my ideas of dating as to say "you are going to get used up by dealing with these men and you will be in the same position you were in before" HOW am i supposed to get to boo, without going through the fools? now God can make anything happen. i can go without dating anyone and then when it's time, i meet and marry the next one i get involved with...very possible. i like to hang out, and i will hang out, i will not be all up under, or trying to make something with someone. i am just going to hang out. if it's something that should be something then it will come. my friend felt like i could be giving guys the wrong impression by hanging out with them and they will think it's going somewhere and i don't feel that way. well...things will not move that fast. we would have talked before then. sex won't happen, so i won't have that soul tie...

all i'm trying to say is that if a dude wants to get to know me, then let's get to know each other...no pressure, no expectations, just hanging out. if the chemistry and timing are there, then it will pop off...i am just doubtful that it will be in the next few situations i'm in.

the current one...he's older, previously married and while he's cool...i don't think he's who i need to marry...i just don't. my problem comes from when i KNOW that and i keep going. i guess since i think i know what it is, i should leave him alone, huh? you're right, i should. well, i am going to leave it alone. what's wrong with him, nothing...he's just not my husband. period.

there's another guy that i was previously involved with who ended up with a girlfriend and i was not happy with it, but i left him alone. we are still cool, and now he's moving. we have nice convo...but, there's something about him that makes me think we would be nice together...i don't think that he thinks that. it crosses my mind though. i might have to go visit him. he wants to be thought of as a one night stand right now. not a healthy thing for me to get involved with.

i just don't want the heartache i had before. is that too much to ask? i feel like i'm aware enough to avoid the mistakes i made before.

i have no idea what i'm doing, this sucks...either be alone and wait, or hang out and see what happens...i want to see what happens. i know i was making sense today, but they felt like dating is pointless unless you feel they are someone to possibly marry. HOW WILL I KNOW THAT...without going out on dates? being friends...can there be friendly dates? and why can't i just know that the next few men that come around won't be my husband? i know the current is not it, the next...probably not. and these men i'm dating...it could be a one time thing...OK OK, i had a one time thing with this young dude...and with someone else...they to me kinda count as men i dated...went on dates with...that about three...that's why i think that the next few won't be the one, because it could be a very brief encounter...feel me?

*sigh* tiring. i make sense...forget them...

AHA!!

2007-06-18T13:21:00.000-07:00

i'm tired. my heart is tired again. someone said that they think it is stronger because of what i go through...okay i agree...but the getting stronger process hurts a bit. but i am definitely tired. i am glad that i have people to listen to me, encourage me, miss me... all that. my heart is hard again. i know it will soften up enough to let someone else in soon...but i have this urge in me to just write that off all together. i don't like feeling stupid, yet i put myself in situations where i am being very stupid. i need to prevent stuff instead of reacting to it. *sigh*...
i know, i know...i've been here for like a year now. I KNOW.

i'm having an "a-ha" moment... AHA!! i need to quit trippin and do what i need to do, not what i think will be okay, going for something and hoping it will be okay, but going for what is great, knowing that it will be okay. i know what's up, but something in me leads right into a pit....an emotional pit where there is no real way out, except to get hurt. that's crazy...insane! funny...in a sad way.

i feel better. pointing out my craziness feels good. i'm really smart...i just do stupid things.

for love...

2007-03-29T13:15:00.000-07:00

Can dreams happen concurrently with reality?
Can two hearts beat at the same time?
Can two bodies step out of time and live a whole lifetime in one kiss, one embrace, one knowing look?
Can truth become a dream, if dreams can come true?

I woke up with you on my mind.
I woke up and felt you holding me.
I woke up with you next to me.
I woke up in my dreams.

You give my soul massages when you tell me you love me.
You kiss my heart when you hold me.
You step into my presence and erase the time that has passed and will pass.
You exhale my happiness when I inhale your love.

We don’t talk, we paint a future with our conversations.
We don’t hear each other, we listen to our lives merging word by word.
We don’t hug each other, we protect a gift from God with our embrace.
We don’t smile at each other, we are shedding light on our love for others to see.

Tell me how to be closer to you.
Tell me you want our dreams and reality to be one in the same.
Tell me we can be two that make one.

Tell me you want to be the reflection of my love for you.

So, I got the job...and I have accepted some things...

2007-03-27T09:52:00.000-07:00

i got the job!!! $8000 more than what i was making before! i am happy and this will be a great opportunity for me. i will be working with the united way and they are paying me what i wanted. not really the big amount that i wanted, but an amount that makes it worth it. i am excited. it will be hard work...not more chilling, but it will take me to higher levels in my career and i will be apart of something that is helping others. wonderful!!
i have accepted that this is my path. i am not supposed to make a ton of money right now. but i am making enough to do want i need to do and i am able to get a position that will put me in the position to pursue my other ventures...event planning community help or whatever. nice.
i have also accepted that i am being led by my heart right now. some things just have to be played out until their end and it's going to be really hard to go against that. the song "where is the love" come to mind this morning and it applies to my situation. *sigh* i know, i know...i should be done, but i'm not. i don't understand why, but this is what it is. however, things are changing for the better where i will not be right next to my temptation all the time like i am now. whew! so, will this decrease what my heart feels? hopefully. if not, then something has got to give...i can't keep on like this...it's not fair to me and who i need to be with. whoever that is.
with all of that... i still am not any closer to feeling like things are okay.
last night something happened...when i woke up it felt like a dream...like "did that really happen" i had on the same clothes and my call log confirmed that it was a real situation...why did it seem like a dream then? i'm so glad you asked. it's because i had not been in that situation in a while, i wanted to get caught up in it and maybe i told myself to not think of it as anything more than that moment....no promises of a future, no apologies for the past...just that moment. like everything that could have been and everything that is happened right then. a moment isolated from reality...but a real moment for two hearts...*sigh* whatever.
maybe that's a poem...i'm tired of writing about it...but it's my life...

this is what i am accepting.

good things come...bad things do too

2007-03-21T11:01:00.000-07:00

so, let's start with the good. i have a second interview tomorrow with a great non-profit. i am excited, however i know that God will give me what he wants me to have and i don't have to worry about things. i juse need to do my best and pray on it and leave the rest to him. my mom is crunk as if i got the job, but i haven't and until i sign an offer letter i am just interviewing to let them know i can do this job. i mean if i get it great if not, i will be on the grind again for something else. the way i see it. i have the job i want...God has already done that for me, because i prayed and asked in faith that he would. i just need to get to it. not worry about it. anyways, i am excited. i did not think i would have gotten a call back. i get so nervous, i'm hoping that this time, i'll be more calm and happy so they can see my bubbly personality. so, that's what i have going on. i have a retreat to go to this weekend and then to a fish fry and then to a poetry slam thing. i have not been to a poetry venue in a while. i need to hear some good words...i still need to write some. i wrote in my book over the weekend. nice. i need to finish it.

okay for the bad...it's not too bad...just not all that great. ts came around...in our conversation, i was able to deduce that he has been having sex...not a big shocker...but, who so you think he's sexin'? right...her... that made my heart stop. i think i stopped breathing after i concluded that. we were talking still, but i felt hot and bothered...and not in the good way. i think i was jealous and i wanted to ask questions, but i didn't to save myself the mental drama. it's okay for me to think it, but to have him confirm it or even worse...avoid answering the question, would kill me. WHY?? i don't know.

so where does that leave me...leaving him alone. again.

*sigh* sucks.

i hope my interview goes well and that i'm the one they want. i want to be wanted. if they don't want me...then i will be okay. that's the beauty if looking for jobs when you have one. i need to move on in my career. i want to take the right steps in it. it's not about the money so much as being in the right position to make moves... it's all about the moves. that and the fact that i just don't care about this job anymore...it shows in how i respond to stuff and the fact that i am writing in my blog while at work.

other than that...i'm good. which is a lovely thing for me. i'm not sad...that's HOT!!

Fire and Desire

2007-03-14T10:40:00.000-07:00

so...i have considered playing with fire. i thought about pushing an emotional conversation with someone...then i considered pushing a sexual conversation with another. i need to quit while i'm ahead.
i also have desires...i want to have an event planning business. but what would that mean for me? ideally, i would like to work as an event planner. get paid right off the bat and do it for a crunk company. however, if i keep volunteering for things and telling people what i want to do, i am hoping that i will get some gigs that i can work on outside of a regular job, then that would lead to my own business. i need to research that, huh? *sigh* things are slowly unfolding...i don't want to rush, but i want to move when God says so. i'm torn. i will pray about it. maybe it's not meant that i do it in my own business...maybe i'm supposed to be that person that just does things and meets people and makes connections and still works a regular job...who knows. i keep thinking about all the potential i have to do great things...have a book, have a business, make investments, whatever...then i think that i need to take the safe route...wait...i don't want to be safe all the time...i told myself that 2007 was the year to grow a set of balls and man up. okay, okay...so i need to man up...

how do i do that?

Okay, so I'm transparent...Whatever...

2007-03-12T11:33:00.000-07:00

i think that i hide things well. i don't really. i need to be aware of that. it's hard to know how my actions will affect everyone if i react so fast that i don't even know what i did. over the last week or so i have be pretty much a recluse. i realize that it's close to that time of the month...fine, but i really think that i have suffered a burn out. i was supposed to try and use my no muscle and that is going okay. i have not been asked to do anything else lately. nice. okay, wait let me make this an organized entry.
first, i'm feeling like i don't have anything to do at work, but i could be doing more if i were working on my own things, like looking for a job, planning events, and running errands. i need to go on another trip, break up the monotony. something.
second, i think i'm a little lonely. i want to have a guy to practice my moves on...and by moves i mean taking things slow, being upfront and making sure that he wants to have something more with me. i don't want to give so much of myself just to have him leave me (see previous blogs about how that is the story of my life). i can wait on having a man, but it would be nice to get it.
third, i have been pretty rude to people. maybe it's because of that time or it's because i have stuff on my mind and i can't handle being asked to do stuff all the time. i don't know. maybe i was a little jealous of some people and with others i was just rude because my mind was elsewhere. i have no clue.
fourth, i need to do some stuff. i have a few things i am workng on, but it seems like i need to do more. or maybe there's just some lag time right now because it's too early to plan everything. with the open mic group, i need to do things, but i have to meet with the group first. with the thing at the pastor's house. i can wait a bit, it's not until mid april. with the volunteer group, i have a meeting next week. and what i do for them is not too time consuming. i still need to job hunt. at least i'm getting a few calls about my resume.
fifth, i need more money. cool things though. i had two tens and i spent one over the weekend. when i went to use my other ten for some oranges (new craving), i saw that i had two tens still. that was clearly GOD because i can't recall how, when or what. i just saw it there. i hope no one is in trouble over it. i need to give a dollar to someone. like a tithing. i can do that.
sixth, i don't know. just feeling weird lately. tired, sad...i don't know... broke...maybe it's monday

so, no real action. no men. no ignorance...just thinking. a lot of thinking. i need to write something...do something.

I would be tired of myself too...

2007-03-02T13:20:00.000-08:00

so, guess who conjured up her ex? yep, me. i had a dream about him and it was something so nice and sweet and took me back to the days when i loved hard and he loved me hard in return. *sigh* i had a feeling that since i had a strong dream about him he might call. i mean it's been 5 years and to this day if i think of him too hard...he'll call, it has yet to fail...what does that mean? i don't feel anything for him. he's crazy and we are just not meant to be...ever. so why does he call at these times...maybe because he was my first and he loved me like no other chick, we have an eternal connection. who knows...it's crazy...
so...back to t.s. umm, i mean i have not been in touch with him...i have been good. then i saw him...i went to where he stood, i was friendly and it felt okay. i was captivated and even though there was someone else around...all i remember is seeing him...*sigh* sickening i know. but i figured it was okay to speak and not be rude and i could carry on. well, the next day, he approaches me...he's happy like for the first time he's really and truly happy. i am happy for him as well. we smile and hug and i am so happy that he looks happy...my cheeks hurt from all the cheesin' i did. things are obviously not done...but my hope is that things will be better...not to be with him. but to be in his life and have him in my life in a healthy way...who's to say he even feels the way he did...who's to say i could feel the way i felt before, again. i still feel...but there's also a lot of resentment and uncertainty. my goal in dating now...is to see if i can marry someone. we can hang and if we feel it could work great, if not, then we would not have gotten so far into each other that it's complicated.

that's the hope, we'll see...

i am going to a formal event tomorrow, nice! i get to be pretty and dress up and be fly...like prom but way better than that....

OH MY GOODNESS!! I HAVE BEEN OUT OF SCHOOL FOR TEN YEARS!!
i feel so old.

tonight is the open mic i work with...i hope it goes well tonight...i am tired and i have a problem saying no to people...i will need to work on that.... next posting i'll give you the progress on that.

Love Day...the aftermath...

2007-02-15T11:00:00.000-08:00

well another love day has come and gone. there were times where i wish i had someone and there were times when i was happy that i was loved period. thigns could have been worse...could have been better...this is my life and i am okay with what happened. i went out and kicked it last night. i had a blast, danced and flirted and just chilled with the girls...this friday is going to be CRUNK!! i can't wait.
i have an interview tomorrow. i am thrilled and nervous. i will do my best. if it is for me then i will have the job. God has already claimed my treasures for me. i believe in that and i will not think otherwise. when it comes, it will be so right and so perfect...well i may not recognize it as perfect, but it wil be mine the way God wants it. nice.

*sigh* i'm trying...i am really trying to not think about tortured soul...i meani have done well with not talking to him and seeing him and all that jazz. my life is complete and fun without it. there is guilt that i dipped out on him. he needed me...so he said. i think that when push comes to shove he knows i'm there. part of me wants to know how he feels about me. do you still care? do you still want me in your life? have you realized that we don't need to be in each other's lives? i don't know. i know that he needs more than what i can give. and i need more than what he can give. i just couldn't go on. the being upset, the pretending that i was fine...doesn't work. he can't give me what i thought i wanted from him. it killed me to see him with another. hurt me to know and hear all that he feels, and not have a chance to ever act on it. sucks...made me feel he was a liar, made me angry made me feel stupid. then...i see him...the back of him...he walked slow and sad. my heart ached for him. wanted to hug him wanted to look in his eyes and have him tell me what was wrong...knowing i would be drawn in. i did not approach him. he did not even know i could see him. my heart ached...what the hell is wrong with me? *sigh* to satisfy my heart i sent an email. i asked him how he was doing. he was not doing well. i asked if he found someone to talk to. he did. i told him he needed a hug or 12. he said "thanks, but no thanks" crushed! *sigh* so i feel rejected, disheartened and dumb for even asking. i thought it would have been okay. it was, until i pushed it with a suggestion of contact. maybe he feels that it's best that we don't ever talk. ever communicate again. he was happy once. he said that i did that. now, i am not a source of happiness for him. he can't be a source of happiness for me. we are just a he and i...not an us, or we. not together. our paths in life are no longer crossed. they are separating. i chose this. my choice was to free myself. i am ignorant to believe that i am free. not now. not yet.
this is not to say that i will try and start something up with him and renege on what i said. i can't be his friend now. i just can't. my stupid heart feels otherwise. other wise...other than wise. my heart feels what is other than wise. my mind knows better. i had thought it through, looked at the evidence...things were not working. *sigh* maybe i wanted him to hug me, but i made it seem like it was something he should need. maybe i wanted him to hold me, be strong for me. someone will be strong for me one day. i'm getting weary.

anyways, on to more fun stuff.

belgium boy and i have been in touch with each other more. fun times. he's pretty cool and he made my phone bill sky high. it was worth it. i enjoy good conversation.
i went to a dinner party where the men cooked and served and cleaned while the women sat around and discussed politics and drinking wine. fun times. i loved it. had a chance to flirt and everything. kind of thought something might have come from my flirtations. but...it didn't...oh well.
i am going to houston next week. i like to travel a bit now. my mom's birthday is next week. i'm glad i get to be there for that...for free!
i am taking some meds that help my mood. i'd like to think they are working. even though i was disturbed by tortured soul today, i have felt pretty good about things. not so "end of the world" i'm more easy about things.
i love cereal, it's my new craving
i'm pretty much doing well...

that's all i have.

peace

Odessa...not hot...

2007-02-06T20:20:00.000-08:00

i am on a conference call for the group i work with. we have big things planned for april, i am excited. we also have drama...of course. i hope it works out. i am in the hampton inn, i like this hotel. the bed is so comfy and i slept really good. i need a new bed. odessa is not the place to be. west texas, this part, is very hilly and dry looking. the fog was scary, but when it cleared i saw a beautiful scenery that i took pics of. very nice, peaceful. tomorrow is my last day to drive around and sightsee. i am ready to go home, but i enjoy the time away from the office and my nasty ass co-worker. *sigh*
i don't have much to write about. just some thoughts:
i need to get over tortured soul. i know what it feels like to get over someone. i have done that with the teddy bear. it feels good to be done. to be able to talk to him and not feel like i want him and not feel jealous about him and his chick. i need to do that with tortured soul. it will come.
i have some female issues that i might need a surgery for. sucks. i think about it sometimes.
i read my diaries. i am crazy and i think about men WAY to much. i tried to have my last diary be about me more. i tried, then the men came. i read that one and i see that i have gone through some stuff and that is the majority of my diary, i'm glad.
poetry might have been a phase for me. sometimes i feel like i have something to say, then other times i feel it's best to just keep it to myself. i might write something. or finish something. performing it...not so much.
i am tired.
american idol tryouts are funny.
i need to get something better to write on here.
next time.

peace

Since I am the only one at work

2007-01-15T07:21:00.000-08:00

Well, I am at work. *sigh* Kind of sucks...I have a dream: that I still be in bed dreaming. Well, at least my nasty co-worker is not here. It makes the day better. Did I tell you what he did? Well, one day we were talking about work, and he was talking to me and scraping the dirt from his nails...cleaning them...which is fine. In the midst of his speaking with me he, in one movement, scraped the dirt out and ate it....UGH!! He ate it...in front of me. It's dirt. White nasty germy dirt!! Now I know that I can be a little nasty too. I won't disclose my habits here...I know that I am prone to bite a nails and spit it out, even clean my nails...but I will not eat that dirt. UGH!! I almost threw up. THEN, it get s better...we have lunch with our manager (she's cool) and we enjoy an appetizer of queso, guacamole and salsa...yummy...when the chips come out I immediately get some and put them on a plate away from my nasty ass co-worker. He asks "hey why do you have your own plate of chips?" I say "because I want them close to me." Not that it's any of his business why I do stuff. He says "oh I thought you thought I had cooties or something." In my mind I am screaming "HELL YES, YOU DO!! Nasty Ass!!" I reply with a short "No, it's not that at all." UGH!! While we eat he makes jokes with the waitress, some a little inappropriate. I take that back, his borderline racist comments at work are inappropriate. The comments he made to the waitress were just annoying. **side note, one of the waitresses had the hairiest arms I'd ever seen on a woman** He dominates the conversation with his antics and I am in a lunch hell. Then he makes it even worse. You know how crumbs and drops of sauce fall onto the table? Well they should stay there...Oh no...that's not the case with Co-Worker...he picks up the crumbs and scoops up the sauce droppings off the table with his grubby nasty, open wound, sausage like fingers...while talking to Manager. UGH!! I was like "is he serious? someone married him? oh my God!!" Needless to say I have not ever wanted to eat around him again.
Ha! Joke on me. Manager invites us over for dinner. Nice gesture, wrong company. At least I would finally get to see who married this man. I met her, she's sweet and nice and a regular woman...I was confused. Anyways, anyone could see that I could not handle being around Co-Worker any more than I had to. I know I was short with him and I avoided him. I just can't be around him outside of work. I was punished enough during the time I spend at work. It's like he is always trying to correct me. The thing is...if I have done something wrong I might not care or I actually did it right and I don't need you nit-picking.

As you can see I don't like him too much. Believe it or not, I would rather work with his racist, nasty inappropriate ass than the other guy. The other might have pissed me off because I don't like his "higher and more important than thou" attitude. I might be projecting or overreacting...it's how I feel. Now you know.

Hmm, what else?

Well, I hope to be out of town next week. That will be nice. I have to work on my extracurricular things. I don't want to mention them here. I bought a planner. I still have trouble sleeping. I ate so good this weekend. I need to be easy on the food.

Oh! Funny thing. I went to the store to get milk...of course I could not get just one thing. I saw that edamame (soybeans) were on sale for 48 cents WOW!! So I got 5 bags...plus the milk...no basket...problem. I proceed to walk on...not towards the check out like I need to, I decide I should get some granola bars. I stand in front of the granola bars section. Hands full, mind contemplating...what to do. The frozen bags of beans are slippery and the milk is getting heavy. I must get granola bars, though. Just then, when I feel that everything will come undone and fall to the floor, a man comes down the aisle with a hand basket. He says "Here, take this, I'll get another one." Saved. Whew! I knew it was God. God was clearly laughing at me, then he helped me out. I laughed at myself too.

So here I am at work...the only one. I hope to go home early. mmmm, home....

Later!

It's 11 days into 2007 and I am already being tested...

2007-01-11T13:48:00.000-08:00

So...
I am going to need for those who I left in 2006 and prior years to stay there. I mean I can see how someone would take me not talking to them personally. It is personally better for me to not speak with them. The way I see it, if we were really supposed to be friends, I could not be without you. It would feel good to have you in my life. I would want to resolve issues to make sure we had a good relationship. BUT, if I do not feel that way...leave me alone. It's okay to not be in touch with someone. It's okay to not speak. I know you are there...I have nothing to say to you.
*sigh*
I feel completely lied to and deceived by Tortured Soul. I mean I don't get him. He told me so much and I wanted to believe it...all lies. I have to tell myself that. Holding on to a possibility that he was sincere would drive me crazy. I have to believe that he was false. I need people to be clear and act like what they say. I tell people upfront: I don't rememeber everything I say, I contradict myself, I run from conflict, I will do things that hurt you, I do not intend to hurt you, I will forget stuff, I wil piss you off. That way when I am good, it's great and when I'm bad, it's expected. Nice. If you say you love me...act like it. If you want to be with me...do something to get to me. If you don't, how am I supposed to believe that that is what you want? I won't.
Another, Preacher Man, tried to contact me yesterday. He said I crossed his mind. I text him back. I said: Why? I mean really, why am I crossing your mind? You are married, you left me to marry someone else...you are a pastor of a church. I don't need to ever be on your mind. And if I am , you don't need to contact me to see how I am doing. All you will get is that I am fine. All you need to know is that I am fine. Why would I divulge anymore than that to you? We are not friends. I was a friend to you and you betrayed that...so, you are not privileged to my life anymore. He had the nerve to tell me: You are very short with me, I guess it's understandable though...Well YES!! Hell yes, I am short with you. What do we have to talk about? I can't be there for you. You lost the privilege of my counsel. Something you once loved and valued, you spit on and left because "it just felt right" to leave. So be where you are, thank you.
*sigh*
Another is annoying me...He wants to know if I hate him. No, I am don't care about you at all...how about that? So what we don't talk...so what I don't respond to your messages...what do we have to talk about? If I repsond to one message, that leads to you thinking I will always respond. That leads to you thinking that all is well and it's not. It just isn't. You can't make it better. So leave it alone. I can be cordial, that does not mean kool-aiding with you. It means, I don't frown when I see you. It means I stay in the same room when you are there. It does not mean that I have to speak. It jsut doesn't. Quit whining!! "Do you hate me or something?" What kind of question is that? "I understand you don't want to be my friend..." Do you? Obviously, you don't or you would not try and talk to me.
*sigh*
So, I had to vent a bit. Very frustrating. This is 2007, I will be fine. I will be better. I'm clearly being tested. I have other things to worry about than other people's feelings. Wait...that sounded rude. There are certain people's feelings I no longer consider important enough to change how I respond to them. That's better.
I used to really care about Tortured Soul. Two years of mess, heartache, pain, waiting, being a fool. No more. Now I don't care. He can jump off a bridge right now. I can't do it anymore. I really cared, wanted to be there and he spit on it. All over it. The thing is, is that he does not see it that way. He thinks I am dissing him. HA!! Whatever!!! I want more from him and he can't/won't do it...so he gets put to the side. He gets put out of my life.
*sigh*
I'm upset. Like I'm really hot right now.

I have other things going on. My health is a concern. My job and finances are a concern. My life is the most important thing right now. Not egos of buttheads.

Maybe later on I will be more open to communication. I would hate to think that I can't ever be civil. It's just so hard when you feel betrayed. The song Resentment definitely applies here. I'm full of it. That's why I had to leave them alone. All of them. Why can't they respect that?

Why?

*sigh*
ICTT!!

why can't i cry

2006-12-13T19:39:00.000-08:00

i can't cry. i just ended something with someone and i can't cry...it hurts like hell...God heard my thoughts and took them as prayers and gave me what i asked for...again...i want to cry let it out, heal. i can't and i don't understand why. i feel like i need to...where are my tears. i'm even listening to sad songs...no tears. there's a part of me that feels/knows that this is for the best. there was no way that i could hold on to this and get what i want. i had to not be afraid to let it go. i spared him the "i wish you the best...i hope you have a wonderful life" talk. we just hung up. just, good bye. i felt the tears, i felt the emotion coming, it has not erupted. this bothers me. so now, there is no one...i mean no one for me to place my "more than friends" feelings on. just myself i guess. i wanted to be something for someone, but my feelings and desires and wants from him become overbearing. he could not, and was not trying to give me what i need. i need to have a man that i have feelings for be with me. not in a "situation" i can't do it. i have too much resentment. i wanted to be friends with him, thinking that this would be a change in my life. i realize that i am not friends with any man that i have been involved with. it's too much. especially since they have girlfriends. why would i do that to myself? i tried though. i want too much from him, them. so they don't get to be in my life. i was convinced that i was being a coward by not at least trying. i tried. it does not work. they need to move around. this is a good thing...it hurts, but i have spent too much emotion on him without having things turn out the way i want. call me controlling, call me selfish, call me whatever. i need more. i'm sorry that you have crazy things happen. i was a safe place, but he was not a safe place for me. too many feelings. he was very upset. i don't think that he should be okay with it, but i was not a good friend if every time we talked, i had some resentful comment to say, or our conversation led to an uncomfortable silence. he was the last to go. i can not go through this again. if i have to be alone, so be it. i can't do this again.

why can't i cry?
2007 has to be different. please! i'm so sad. i think i should cry. maybe this is not something to cry over. maybe it's something to accept. it was coming. if not tonight, soon. God acts fast. maybe it's because He's ready to do some things me NOW!! i'm ready. bring it.

so sad. so sad. no tears...not a one.
i don't get it.

i can't cry.

I can't save anyone...

2006-12-07T11:13:00.000-08:00

I can't save anyone even though I really want to. Someone told me that I have Florence Nightingale Syndrome, which basically says that I help someone to feel powerful and I have the urge to do it even though it's not possible for me to be the solution. This means that I will become someone that someone depends on...they could miss out on really relying on God and they could miss out on seeing that they can do things on their own. How this affects me? I spend energy trying to be something for someone and after a while it becomes a burden, because I am not the answer, I just want to be. In the process I miss out on having my needs met. In a lot of these cases, I want someone to be there for me and give something to me in return...I just don't say it. I act like someone who can help them hoping I'll get it in return. *sigh* So, the lesson I have to keep telling myself "I can not help him" "I can not help them" "I can not help" I am not helpless, I am just not able to help as big as I want to.
So, that's what's up.

2007 is coming soon. I am not able to settle for what I have been anymore. It was pointed out that that is what I have been doing. I am not trying to go there anymore. If you are not trying to man up...then step down. Don't feed me tidbits and think that I am okay with that. I am not...I am too old for that. I need and deserve MORE!! It's rough to not see the end of the tunnel...so I am thinking of it and traveling on a country scenic route. There are plenty of nice things to see and experience on my way to my destination, but they are not where I need to stay. I will smell the roses, learn something and move along. *sigh* I am not alone. Life is good. I am going to get what I need. I'm okay.

Sometimes you just have to know...right?

2006-11-21T13:34:00.000-08:00

Maybe I shouldn't have tried to know today. I had a sudden mood swing and I don't want to blame it on anyone...I think it was because I have been dwelling on something and I had to know. The more I kept putting it off, the worse it got. Couple that with the other "stresses" in my life and you have a recipe for depression. Okay, let me be real...I have a nice life. I am loved, I have a job, food, a nice car, clothes, people who genuinely care for me and a wealth of other things, sometimes even small surprises in life that make things beautiful (I got a big ass pixie stick from Dave and Buster's last night, I was estatic...it does not take much). So what's the problem? Wanting more money, a decent relationship, a steady mood, to really and truly believe that things are okay. I fell off from my lovely spot of feeling like things were okay. *sigh*
Okay about today: I confronted someone about some things I had been thinking about. I got answers, but I'm not sure if they are what I wanted to hear...or if they were the truth...or what...The conversation was strained and tense as I laid out what I was thinking and feeling. The other party was visibly shook by what I said and asked. We spoke in whispers so that we would not draw attention, but I'm sure anyone could tell by our body language that things were not right. Our hushed session of question and confession was marked with long silences and forced phrases. I wanted to take things back...not start this conversation, have a happy time. Not possible. My mood, my mind was already made up "Ask, you need to know." I listened intently. I processed what I was told and I felt like digging deeper and comforting the other person at the same time. Was I wrong for asking? Did I really want to know? Would I get the truth? Would this mean the end of something or the beginning? I had no clue. I pressed on, it was too late to ignore what had been placed on the table. *sigh* I heard stories that made me feel compassion...and then I heard confessions that pissed me off...I thought that this was what I wanted...to know, to have it all put out there. Now I'm listening to Sarah Vaughn and other slow jazzy music fighting the tears that I have needed to cry. I feel frustrated. I don't know if I got any answers. I thought I was past this, I thought I was ready to be adult about this and just say what I need to say, ask what I need to ask. Looking into the face that I changed from smiles to frown, seeing that the hurt is not just from me, but from so many others things that have come to head in that moment, made me feel like I should have presented my case better. But how? No matter when I asked, it would have turned up with the same result. I could have approached it better, but it would have meant the same thing. Broken feelings. We parted ways without a goodbye. Me walking away with no more information than I came with, I think. The other, walking away with the weight of many life situations gone wrong pressing down. I don't know what to do. I thought I wanted to know. I don't even know if I know. *sigh* Clearly this is not over.

On another note. I am so ready to be away on a break. Even though it's with crazy family...I'll take that over sitting alone and being depressed. I hope to have a better mood next time. I need some happy pills...anyone have some? :)

Don't hold me to this...

2006-11-14T17:56:00.000-08:00

After me trip to Dallas, I came back and things were different. I did not have the same level of affection for tortured soul like I did before I left. Hmm...I talked to him and even saw him and I just have that same intensity for him like I did. Don't hold me to this because next week I might be all into him again. Hopefully that's not the case though. I want to be over him. I don't want to feel like I am waiting on the right situation to be with him. I am waiting for the right man, period. Clearly he is not it. Kind of sad...nah not really. I mean he has a piece of my heart and all but, it's just not right. I am not convinced it ever will be. God would not do that to me...I hope not.

On a side note: You ever have times when you get out of sync with your friends and you feel like you are starting from scratch with them? I have a few friends and we have not been around each other like before. Now, I know life gets in the way some times, but until I am able to hang out with them, I am going to wonder if things are okay. I have made some contact...it's on them to accept. I'm not trying to kick people out. Maybe they wanted out...I have no clue.

On another side note: I kind of wonder why every dude I have been involved with has gotten a girlfriend IMMEDIATELY after being with me. Dudes: if you want a girlfriend, give me six months of your time and shortly thereafter you will have a longterm girlfriend or wife. It won't be me, but you will have one. That sucks.

My diary is jealous. Clearly I don't say everything here. That would be crazy.

Peace

I'm trying to grow a set

2006-11-12T14:12:00.000-08:00

I need to get some balls and stop being such a punk. I mean, I am cute, smart, funny and a good person yet I insist on living within self-set boundaries that keep me from experiencing life. I had a talk with my homeboy. He told me to stop being such a worrier and just live. He pointed out that I am so worried about what other people will think about what I am doing, that I miss the fact that they are doing whatever they want, and they are telling me to not do those things. Double standard I guess. I agree him. I do worry about what others think. I feel like I should be at a higher level or a higher standard in the way I live my life. I put this on myself, in the end, I have to deal withthe consequences, no one else. They can say whatever, but they go around and do things that I would not recommend...do they really feel the need to do what I say? So, why am I anticipating what they will think? Why am I bound by their reactions? I have no clue. the point is, is that I need to get some balls and say "Hey, now...I am going to do things and live!" I am not going to be reckless or so far off the chain that I do more harm than good, but I will take more chances and step outside my box more. I have said this before...it's a process, but here is proof that I am trying:
I admitted my feelings to someone regardless of what would happen between us. I feel better about that.
I called a dude that was interested in me (with some coaxing from my friend), instead of instantly counting him out, because he was not my "ideal". Fact is, I have no clue what my ideal is.
I kicked it this weekend. I drove all over Dallas and saw friends and spent money...I might regret that one later on.
I dressed a little sexier, danced and flirted with the men and did not worry too much about whether or not I was fat, too tall, too revealing, to flirtatious. I just had fun.
I am going to try and buy a condo...I will have to buy appliances, get a second job and save my ass off, but I really want to try for it. I have support. I will get another job at some point, so why not. I'm doing it!!!

Now for some those things seem minimal. For me and how I have lived, these are big steps. They are going to take me out of my comfort zone where I feel I have control. They will make realize that I do not have control and that it's okay to be in that situation. God's got me. I need to live.
Well, I had an excellent trip to Dallas. I can't wait to come back. I have gotten in touch with one of my line sisters and I hope to have relationships with all of them. I want to be in the mix if I can.

I will keep you posted on the happenings. I am sure this is the beginning of some crazy stuff. I'm thinking, some fun, some pain, some confusion and some triumphs.
I hope the dude calls me back...wait...it will be cool if he calls, if he doesn't I will be okay.

Until later,
Me

My heart hurts

2006-10-27T19:46:00.000-07:00

I have let meself get caught up again. Not because I thought I could handle it and be okay with things, I knew that would not be the case. I got caught up, so that things would die. So that I can say, "look you did try" I have expressed myself, not to get what I want out of the situation, but to get something out of putting myself out there. Now it's known, how I feel is known. I am understood and that's new...I usually act like I don't care. I do care, a lot. It sucks, and it hurts and it makes me insecure and it makes me want to run away, and I feel alive and I feel like no matter what, I tried. The aftermath: I will not have things the way I want them. I don't even know if I want what I think I want (confusing, I know). Yet, it's out there. I am embracing how I feel and I am sharing it. I am saying what I want and I know I deserve it. Now, if only I could just leave things alone and say "hey, this is what I want, if you can't give it, take a hike" I'm getting close. I am thinking of how stupid I am being and I know that I can't stay that way for long. *sigh* I hope not for long. My heart hurts so bad...just when I think it can't take anymore, there it is saying "hit me", and I do.

I can't...

2006-10-17T12:41:00.000-07:00

I can’t, I can not, I just cain’t!
I do not have the ability
To love you
To keep you
To make you mine
To possess you
Because you don’t want me to
Oh! How hard I tried.
I wanted to make a solution of us
The thick oil of my hope
Settled for what you gave me to the bottom
While the shallow water of what you wish you could be for me
Pressed down on top
We separated
All the arms that I used to hold onto you have been amputated
The “ghost limb” theory is true even metaphorically, because I still feel like I have a hold on you
I gave you a slice of my heart and you sandwiched that with your pain
It satisfied your hunger for an unconditional love
Now I don’t feel whole because of the hole you left
Our perfect dysfunction always malfunctions
I want to dig my claws in your back because that’s the closest part of you that I can reach
You always face another
Always place another before me
I lose indefinitely
There’s precision in the way you diss me
Calculated words that always equal up to
Me minus you
Am I better off? Sure…maybe
I look to the sky after our lovestorm
I see that our rainbow has 7 colors
Black misunderstanding
Blue sadness
Purple passion
Green envy
Yellow cowardice
Red anger
White hope
I pray for true reconciliation with you
I pray for contentment with myself
Until the answers come I will pry my grip from your back and let you go
I will cry all the tears of resentment that I hold
Wholeness will come and love won’t be born out of fear
It won’t hurt to love you
I can, I will I have the ability
To love
To heal
To move on
To be

As I wait for atonement...

2006-10-14T21:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, I really like J*Davey. I want their CD.

*sigh* so the poetry show went very well. i'm happy with how it went down. my mom came in to support me. nice, she loves me. then we kicked it and that was cool, my young cousin was at a place that i went to. i knew i was too old to be in there, but hanging with my homeboy and his friend made it fun.
okay, this is why i am writing in here. i want to buy a house, but i'm broke. i am tired of not having money, it's getting on my nerves. i know that things will get better, but i don't like that it's such an issue. i want to be okay where i am, know that i will have better and have the patience to wait for what's for me.
i also want a boyfriend. i think. maybe. i get involved with unavailable men on purpose. i get hurt. then i am convinced that i won't be with anyone. no one is every right, i don't let anyone get close. with the past dudes i've dealt with it really seems that way. i know i chose wrong, but it does not seem like there is anyone right being shown to me. that sucks. i see men all the time. i just don't want to deal with them if i am not attracted to them or i don't feel they are right. the thing is, is that i've been attracted the the wrong men. *sigh*
so, tortured soul and i are on the outs again. there is obviously something wrong with our being "friends" because it does not work out for us. so i think it's best that i leave him alone, like my original plan was. i am too possessive over him and he is not letting me possess him. he can't not with all the issues he has. he can't even be a good friend to me. did he come to my show, nope. and why, because of his stupid choices and situations. UGH! so what's the point? there is no point to us being friends. we are not friends, we are acquaintences. FINE THEN!

i guess i'll just be waiting for the time to come when things work out the way i am praying for them to. i wait and wait for something to happen. i have tried to make things happen and they do, but they have been some wrong things. i need to keep my hands out of it and let god do his work. it's hard to sit still.

Just when you think you're okay...

2006-09-27T13:44:00.000-07:00

you're really not okay...or maybe you are and you just have a minor set back in your progress...
before i begin: i am a horrble typer, i really want to go back and proofread my entries, but i think that it makes them more raw and real...basically i'm lazy; i am going to continue to type all wrong...no caps unless it's for emphasis.

okay, the latest.

i just had a run in with one of the three men. i see him and realize...i really care about this man...that sucks. i want to be there for him and comfort him and talk to him. seeing him was not so bad. talking to him not so bad. i just know i could get drawn back in. i'm not strong enough yet. i re-read what i wrote about the men...i was UPSET, highly pissed. i'm much better now. it's okay. i don't feel as much hostility. being away from them has helped me out considerably. a lady told me yesterday that a friendship should be able to make it through trials. then she said that only i know what i can handle. i can't be around the dudes...yet right now i am awaiting another e-mail from him that gives me some kind of connection to him. i don't even want to know about his girl situation or his troubles...but i do...know what i mean? i want to be there for him. i love him...i can't be there, it would hurt me too much. i don't want to be with him, but it's hard for me to be there for him...this is too much. i'm not as shook as i was the first time i saw him after his return. i just know that i still care. i still care so much. DANG IT!! *sigh* this sucks. i waited until he came out of the bathroom so that i could speak with him. i wanted to let him know that i did not mean to be rude to him last time. i didn't, my frustration came out. i wanted to show him that even though i can't be involved with him like i was...i still care. i can't get too close...my heart would suffer...i would be too crushed. even now, i feel it. our simple e-mails are pulling me in. i refrain from going into detail, or asking about what he's been up to, or telling him that i care for him. he may need to hear it, i'm afraid of where that will put me.

selfish...confused...defensive.

the others that i left alone were easier, i see that now. we were not as involved. this one...is rough. how can i be a friend and stil preserve my sanity? i wait, until i feel confident that i can take it...that i can handle being jealous and upset, and possessive. i am possessive. i realize that. i don't really like it when others are that way, i guess i did not like that about myself. i really never knew it though...anyways, i am.
*sigh* what have we learned...i am still getting over the men that i let get close to me. one of them is definitely in my heart more that the others, not sure if he'll ever just go away. maybe if i moved...i don't know.

i am committed to getting through this and not being sucked back in. i will be strong for myself and for others who think that i am strong to make sure it's not a false strength. no facades.

i feel better. oooo, i am going to do a poem tonight. i am excited, it's for my grams. i'm nervous already but i want to share this...i'll post it later.

wal-mart...the pick up joint.

2006-09-12T20:55:00.000-07:00

so i was in wal-mart with my cousin. this dude in the toothpaste isle looks at me and says "don't i know you?" i say "do you?" he realizes he's seen me at work before. i say "oh" and move along. he proceeds to talk to me and while i was not intersted in him i decided to be nice because i don't want be accused of being a black woman with an attitude. we make small talk and i notice there are roses in his basket so i think that he is going to have a nice evening with his girl and he'll leave me alone... no "can i have your number?" moments. i move to another isle and he's there again. he asks me to help him look for razors with aloe for a woman. i help him and move along. i notice that it's just he and i in the isle. he says, so do you think that i can have your number. i told him no. he asked why not. i told him i am not interested in starting anything with anyone, then he says i don't want to start anything we could talk as friends. i told him that i am not intersted in that either. then we move along. my issue is: how you gonna ask me for my phone number when you have roses in your basket and you are shopping for women's razors??? i don't know. even if i found him attractive, that would be an even worse situation for me to be in. what are we going to talk about, his girlfriend...we were in wal-mart...that's not where you meet friends, that's where you pick up women. *sigh*....men...they suck.

so, i can not and will not be entertaining the advances of any men until 2007. there's no point. i need time to heal up some. if a dude is really interested, he can wait and try again next year, until then...it's just me.

so...i'm tired...

2006-09-12T13:52:00.000-07:00

well now that i have typed the rest of the poem i wrote, i am tired. but i do want to give a little synopsis of my past week.

i went to dallas this weekend, fun times. i saw eric roberson...he great, i love him. he did not perfome my song, but he signed my cd "marchele, i ask you for clarity" at least i was happy about that. i got a perm...she had to cut about an inch off...so sick about that. it wil grow again, i'm sure. :( i was going to go to houston this weekend but, i have rescheduled that trip. i need to go there to see grams. my dad said her brain is getting worse. i don't have her mentally, i have not had her that way in a long time...but now with the acceleration in the deterioration(sp) i will lose her physically...i will be a sick mess thinking when that happens. i might not be at work...i already know. *sigh*...so, not ready.

okay now for something happier. i get to stay home this weekend. i need to sell my old car. i want to go to europe. i know someone there...kind of...i have not met this person, but i don't feel like there will be anything wrong with going to hang with him. why not i meet crazy people all the time...that would not be a surprise...now if i lost my life, that would not work for me. i'm just saying.

i need money and a new job, i should put my resume on here, that would be COOL!!...well not so cool, but if i got a job out of it...why not...wait...then they would see how crazy i am, then i would do it under a new name. a professional blog. i would put my...WAIT, i am so sure someone else has done this, i need to do some research.

i have been in a blah mood lately, nothing really excites me, i am in an "i don't care" mood. maybe i'm numb...that sucks. i need to feel like life is full of things to experience and actually feel those experiences. i thought it was hormonal, but i'm not a girl right now, and i still feel that way, what is wrong with me? no clue.

you ever feel like you have so much potential it's overwhelming, i need to hone in my powers and focus them on a few things. i could get so caught up in a lot of things...how do people do it? have 6 companies, 5 kids, 4 homes, 3 hobbies, 2 lovers and one at at time to do it in... like the time i have to waste and not be stressed. i like that i have the time to do what i want, and not be bothered. my stress should be nil. i need to get my eyebrows done. anyways, i stress and i need to work on that...it's not necessary. for a while i have been bombarded with messages that i need to love myself more. *sigh* i know it's god trying to tell me something...has to be...that's all i am hearing. i hear friends being concerned about me, enjoying my company, talking to me, telling me good things about myself. then there's the things on tv i see, and the random "you are cool ****" moments that i have. so, clearly i need to think better of myself. *sigh* it's hard. i'm trying though. i get tired of fighting what needs to happen in my life...just let the stuff happen, go through the changes and be done.

you know, i am a funny person, but i can't think of not a one funny story to put on here... i need comice relief. this blog can't be about my issues all that time...someone is going to read this and be like "ugh, i thought i had issues, this chick has issues AND she's boring." can't have that.

i'll work on it.

This is the rest...of my first entry...

2006-09-12T09:31:00.000-07:00

One day I woke up. I had already been awake physically, but now I was truly awake.One day I woke up and I opened up. I purged the darkness from my mind and I swept out the lies. I rearranged my thinking. I pulled back the drapes that covered my soul’s window. The light almost blinded me. My eyes readjusted, my vision was altered. Things I saw clearly before became blurred. What was missing from my sight was clear. I began to notice the dust on the things I never chose to use in my life. I had gifts that were never opened and tools that I never allowed to do work in my life. Did I really consider this place a home? The air was stale and thick with tension and negative energy. How had I survived here? The trash of hurt and unforgiveness was piled up in every corner. I had pushed it out of the way but never taken it out. The light revealed it was all the way to the ceiling a whisper away from falling over in a tidal wave. I walk around and hear the squish beneath me feet. The floor, the carpet is soaked. I kneel down and press my fingers into the wetness…tears. Millions and millions of tear I never cried, had filled the floor of my soul, making the bottom heavy and sagging. I would need so much to clean up the mess in my soul.
I have been walking on fragile ground, at any moment the bottom could fall out and would be washed away.
But, today I woke up.
What was that smell? Oh, I can see now. Bitterness rises fromthe trash. It has been my perfume for years. An odor so strong it was almost visible. No one told me, they just avoided me. Maybe they did tell me. I wouldn't have heard them. My soul's stereo has been tuned into the lies of the enemy. The volume is maxed out and the lies are on all my CD's and on every radion station. I pulled the plug. Peace. I would need so much to clean up the mess in my soul. Thousands of trash bags. Hundreds of candles. Many vacuums and dust rags and cleaning solutions. I look around to evaluate the damage done, the damage I did. I'm overwhelmed by the work ahead of me. I should close the drapes and try to go back to sleep. I feel myself getting weary. I feel my weakness now. I can't do this alone. I give up. I surrender. I realize I am nothing...I feel more tears rushing onto the floor. Dust falls in the gifts and tools. The trash seem to bulge with a great volume. The songs of the lies begin to play in my mind.
Why did I wake up?
I look for an escape. The doors and windows are locked from the outside. I'm trapped. I'm scared. I look...my eyes dart all around...a gun, a knife, some poison...something to end it all. Nothing is there. Something does catch my eye. I had not noticed it before among all the chaos. There was something sitting out in the open, without dust, without trash, without the stench of bitterness and not drowned in tears. This thing was clean and it spoke... It called me by my full name. I approach it cautiously, curious.

"Take me, I am Love"
"Take me, I am Freedom"
"Take me, I am I am Forgiveness"
"Take me, I have already taken you"

In the form of a book yet so much more that literature I took Him in. I was embraced by His words and I closed my eyes. A moment of serene calm that seemed like a full night's sleep passed. I opened my eyes. I saw the trash of my life shrinking away slowly. The floor was becoming drier under my feet. The air was circulating and the dust had been wiped away.

"Thank you!! Thank you!! What can I do to repay you? Tell me."
"You've accepted my love, let me embrace you and most of all you surrendered so that I could take care of you. You don't owe anything. I thank you."

One day I woke up. I saw that my sould was filled with hurtful things. I gave up trying to fix it and received the help He was trying to give me all along.

I mean...

2006-08-29T12:32:00.000-07:00

i know that things are never as bad as i think they are and the God will always come through, but last week sucked. i felt judged and like the world was coming to an end. i had to end some "friendships" and pray that this was me listening to God and not running away. i have cut ties with three men mr. guilt, tortured soul, and good on paper. all three of them were cool and they got to me. i let them. i chose to do the things i did with them because at the time, it felt like something i could handle and something that was far less risky than opening up to a real relationship. *sigh* needless to say, it did not work. i ended up hurt in a big way...and it sucked. so now i have cleaned house. i feel better, this was good. while i have the ability to be in touch with all three of these men, i have refrained. my friend said they won't take me seriously if i come in and out...she's right. so, i am alone...i am with myself. no distractions from the affections of some dude who has no clue how he's affecting me...or maybe they did know...bastards! anyways, it's just me now...no action. i am okay with that. kind of. i mean i have gone so long hiding from myself...(psychobabble may come at any moment) that i have not really gotten acquainted with who i am and what i want. well, i know what i want, i have not been secure in stating it, claiming it, and not settling for anything else. one of the dudes pointed some of my issues out. too bad he can't be in my life while i become the person i need to be. it's just not healthy...let him tell it. things should be fine...whatever...i digress. i am with myself. accepting the love that others give and not thinking that i am a source of entertainment, that people love me and want to be around me because they like me. that's it...nothing more. in my good moods and bad moods, they accept all of me. how lovely is that? i think it's great.

so, that's my personal issues...here are my work issue updates. one guy that i worked with has gone away...him being around made me feel judged and feeling like i can't do anything right. i'm sure he could careless, but there was an aura about him that made me feel weird. he's gone. the person i'm left with is okay. but i feel like i can do more...that what i am doing is okay... and that i am getting my job done...he REALLY does not care...he's handling his wife's insurance right now...and i'm talking to you. LOL!! i'm still a slacker...but now i'm a slacker who works if that makes sense. i hope to get a trip to dallas, i get to see my friend and maybe hit up a concert...i'm going to finnagle something, watch.

one day (i am writing a lot) i wrote down all the bad things that i saw about myself. the list was SO long...and it made me cry. then i tried to write the good things...and that was HARD. i thought of things but not nearly as many as the bad and i did not really feel that they were good or true...that's craziness. it made me cry a bit too. i still need to work on that. even now i am dwelling on the bad. the good seems very distant right now...maybe it's hormonal...seems like an everyday thing though...i went to counseling about these things. it just brought them all to the surface...it did not remove them...guess that's my job.

why is the tomato basil soup at la madeleine SO good?

why is it not time to go home yet? i thought i was killing a lot of time.

i guess i'll talk about my trip next time. i'm going to north carolina...never been before...i hope it's crunk...might get a job out there. i'm open to move.

peace

Couch Potato

2006-08-23T13:15:00.000-07:00

I sat on the couch...
I turned on the TV.

I watched as others lived my life.

Sometimes I press my face to the screen as I change the channels.
Every flicker, was my heartbeat.

*click* Love unfulfilled...thump-thump
*click* Dreams deferred...thump-thump
*click* Opportunities missed...thump-thump

I became entertained with possibilities.
I laughed...I cried...I learned...I was kept in suspense.

Once, I saw a drama about a woman who risked everything to accomplish her dreams. She did not come close... She did gain valuable life experience and she was happy.
I admired her,
then I hated her.
I changed the channel.

A hilarious comedy about friends who were close like family, sharing life experiences, depending on each other and having a big laugh at the end...
Had me rolling,
then accentuated my loneliness.
I changed the channel.

A romantic love story about soulmates who find each other during trying times and do whatever it takes to make sure nothing stands in the way of their love, while thy fight the good fight for a love that last a lifetime...
Made my heart swell with warm fuzzy feelings,
then an aching tightening pain.
I changed the channel.

Ah! A one woman show starring someone sitting at home watching TV, letting her life pass her by, while feelinf self-pity and hopelessness, settling for watching others live her life for...
Captivated me,
then pissed me off.

She was being ridiculous! I could not watch her anymore.
I tried to change the channel.
She would not go away.
I realized the TV was off.
I had watched myself watching my life be played out by others.

So...

I got up.

2006-08-23T08:15:00.000-07:00

*sigh* so today, i woke up and prayed that God would keep me level headed and that he would help me get things done so that I would not have to be on the defense when it comes to how i do my job. i have to remember...what's for me is for me...no one else is supposed to have the same struggle i do...no one else is supposed to have the rewards i have...they may have similar issues, but never the exact same. so, i accept that, i am trying to rest in it. *sigh* today, i saw God come through again...my memory about what he's done is SO short...i've gone through something a month ago and He was there and He came through, yet here i am now...feeling anxious about things. He came through, my job issue...handled...i have a trip somewhere tomorrow. YEAH! not too far away, but it is a trip nonetheless, and i have another issue to try and solve at work...this will keep my busy, or at least with the appearance of being busy for today. this is great. i love to see God move...the day will come when i don't panic first, i trust first...then i chill. today, i'm good. i'll be back...something else always happens to me...maybe i'll talk about something funny. laughter is needed right?

going through...

2006-08-22T16:04:00.000-07:00

i have been going through it.
i have been trying to become a better less segmented person.
i have been seeing myself from the outside in.

i base how i feel about myself on what other people think...i know this to be a wrong way to see myself, but until this year and some counseling, i really had no clue i was doing this. i jus thought i was depressed because i did not have a better paying job or because i did not have a successful relationship or whatever. i have believed a lot of lies about myself and how i should see myself. anyways, there are many parts to me, that i have not accpeted as really me. like people are used to seeing a nice me, a kind funny, entertaining me...they don't get the sad, down, wants to be alone me. they are not used to the indifferent me. and this is not because of that time of the month or anything, these are just regular parts of me that are shown as much. so when they come out it seems like i am not myself. and i think that it's not really me. so i feel like i am not myself and i want to be what others expect. now that i am writing this and i have been talking about this, it seems ridiculous. silly, crazy. i have recently accepted that i am all the things that i show, the good the bad and the ugly...

i know that i need to see myself from the inside out. i need to see the christ that is in me and then tell myself positive affirmations and really believe them, then i need to accept that when people see good in me, that it's true, and when they see that i am not my usual happy self...that i am still good...not a different person, not unlike myself, but the same person. i have been fooling myself for so long, so many failed relationships, and a lot of time wasted feeling worthless and not deserving of good things, and always feeling anxious and on the verge of losing things. not being in control. i don't know why i think i need to hold everything together, but i'm tired of doing that now.

i'm going through it now...i'm going to go through it.

I feel like a slacker

2006-08-22T15:35:00.000-07:00

So...I have a job and while it does not consume my whole day and stress me out, there are things that stress me and make me not want to work there anymore. *sigh* I mean I do my work, I get things done, I collect my check, but I am not satisfied, nor do I feel like I am doing a good job. Not because I am constantly not doing work, but because every so often a co-worker will bring up something in how I handle my contracts that makes me feel like I am not as good as he is. The issue today was travel. I WANT to go on a trip or six and visit my clients and waste time away from the office and rack up frequent flyer miles...the American dream, right? However my approach has not opened the door for those opportunities...I am not aggressive enough or whatever. I still get my work done. I chill at work basically. I have time to surf, chat online, talk an the phone and with others...and take long lunches, etc. It's cool. I want more. I want another job. Anyways, I feel like a slacker because of one fault being pointed out...I feel like my job is on the line and that I'm not doing what I need to do, even though I am. I spoke with my mom about it...and my best friend. I am going to be more aggressive...and I am going to make up a trip and go kick it. Have a short meeting and then hang out in Dallas or Cuero... somewhere. If they want to spend money then I'll do my best to spend it. I have not been opposed to going somewhere...I just have not put that major effort into doing it. There's other stuff, but I just had to get that out. Now I can talk about other stuff on my mind.

The beginning of my book, I think...

2006-08-21T20:37:00.000-07:00

“Uh…Do you Kayden take Naliya to be your lawfully wedded wife?” The pastor was uncomfortable asking this question for the second time. Naliya felt like the temperature of the church was at least 200 degrees. Even though she was wearing a Cinderella style wedding gown she felt naked. “I can’t believe this is happening” she thought. Kayden’s eyes were locked on hers. Her eyes saw the hesitation in his face. He could see her heart breaking. He finally decided ten seconds ago that he could not marry Naliya. “Why could I not stop this before we got here” he thought. As he looked at Naliya looking more beautiful than ever he knew why he wanted to marry Naliya. As he looked out into the mass of faces waiting for an answer he saw the reason he couldn’t. His lips parted and all that came out was a faint whisper “I can’t.” Naliya cocked her head to the side as if she did not hear him but she heard him as if he yelled it in her ear. “I can’t” a little louder this time. Tears flooded Naliya’s eyes. Then a fired sparked in her. “What the hell do you mean ‘I can’t’? Oh yes you can!!!!” The pastor was not even appalled by her somewhat profane outburst in the sanctuary, it was quite understandable. The guests shifted in their seats wondering if the bride’s side was going to lay hands on the groom and his family. The groom’s family made apologetic faces because they had no idea what was going on or how to handle it. “Liya, please not here. Let me explain privately.”
Kayden grabbed Naliya’s hand and led her toward the back of the church. As she followed him she saw the faces of her family and friends waiting to receive a sign of what they should do. They rushed past the audience and into the pastoral offices of the church. Once the door was shut a sudden calm hit Naliya. She reasoned with herself that she was being set up or that this was a dream. There was no way that this nightmare as real. “Liya, I love you,”
“Don’t say that after what you just did.”
“Okay. Liya, I can’t marry you and I can’t even really tell you why because it’s complicated.”
“Complicated?”
“Yes.”
“Please stop bullshitting me, Kay. We know each other too well for that, don’t we?”
“Well, it is complicated and well…I am just not right for you.”
“How can you realize that now? Not at the rehearsal, not last week…why now in front of my family and friends. Let’s not mention after my parents have spent $60,000 on this wedding.”
“Liya, this is for the best. One day, maybe you’ll see I did you a favor, but for now I have to say that I can’t marry you.”
What Naliya did not know was that Kayden had been debating this for months. He loved Naliya but the lies, secrets and someone from his past had come back to haunt him and they were in the church pews at that very moment. As much as Kayden wanted to begin a life with Naliya he knew that it would never work with his demons staring him in the face.

Not finished yet...

2006-08-21T20:31:00.000-07:00